A vast and wide chasm separates two polar lands
One a paradise with streets of gold, crystal clear water, and fruitful trees
One with paths to nowhere; a dry place, stripped, and covered by sands
One healthy and full of life; the other weak and filled with disease
A bridge from the wasteland to paradise runs over the river of life
At its gates stands a troll guarding the approach across
A monstrous beast whose pleasure is to create strife
Exacting unbearable tolls for his gain and others' loss
For elves full of wisdom, answers to riddles were required
For dwarfs of great strength, deeds of mighty ability were demanded
For kings rich and famous, he exacted sacrifice of all they acquired
For sprites gifted with song and healing, benevolent acts were commanded
All paid the price but none made it over the bridge
Some started the journey, some never tried
Many crashed upon the bottom of the ridge
Every one of them, elves, dwarfs, sprites and kings, died
The sprite's pride kept them from reaching the end of the bridge
Kings were distracted by new treasures to apprehend
Elves became lost in the dense fogs of wisdom and knowledge
Dwarfs fell from exhaustion as they tried to run across to the end
No one could cross from the wasteland to paradise
Until one brave son of paradise crossed over to the wasteland
He offered the troll the highest most sacrificial price
In exchange for his life, no one further could he band
The troll laughed with a hearty and deceptive delight
Thinking if the son were gone he would rule paradise too
The terms were accepted and the troll tortured the noble knight
As the son slowly died, the troll thought he had played him for a fool
Victory was won that day but not by the evil troll
The sacrifice made in love opened the bridge for all to cross
So the troll tried to deceive that he still had the right to a toll
Many still believed his lies and found they could not make it across
Peasants and fools believed the truth and made it across
The troll denied that anyone had entered paradise
The rich, wise and strong feared they would become lost
If they ceased to pay the troll's burdensome price
The way to paradise remains open to those who will see
The blind, the poor, and the lame have been set free
But those rich, wise and strong in their own eyes
Remain deceived and burdened down by their own lies
Author notes
It's a fantasy poem but based on a true story with a real message.
In a list
A contest entry
- Hunker Down......and Tell Me a Story by hoodoolover.
525 points, ended March 31, 2007, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - #48 Spring and Easter Sunday by daviscth.
450 points, ended March 5, 2008, 12 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Did the story keep your attention? Did you get the message? How's the rhyme scheme?
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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This is a beautiful story you have composed. Our younger generation and a few of the older ones as well will great benefit from the way you have managed to convey Jesus' gift to us all. This is an awesome piece of work you have written.
Thanks so much for posting this in my contest and all the best to you at judging, Cathy
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I love this allegorical story..And the message is clear..You did an awesome job..Wonderful writing here..~Pastel
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Very well done, and very true. It most cetainly did keep my attention and the rhyme scheme was well done! I think I got the message... is the true story it is based on about Jesus and His death on the cross and the redemption that brought about for His people? That is what I thought of and you did such a good job bringing about and across the message in a very fantasy like way sort of like what you see nowadays in a lot of movies like Lord of the Rings, and The Chronicles of Narnia, and The Bridge to Terabithia and the like. Anyways nicely done, I applaud you!
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correct
You are correct. It is an allegory about Christ, the devil and the many ways the devil deceives
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The rhyme scheme was very brilliant and enjoyable to read. I could see many factos hidden in this poem. At first, I thought about the Bible and its message. The imagery was amazing, and it drew my attention in from the very beginning. Reading of a noble knight's sacrifice is always a welcome change and acknowledges true bravery. Great write, I thourgholy enjoyed it, and look forward to reading more! Fantasy poems always entruige me, and this one did just that.
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Nicely done, I enjoyed this tale and the moral within, great rhyme as well, would make a great campfire story, thanks very much for entering!
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Victory was won that day but not by the evil troll
The sacrifice made in love opened the bridge for all to cross
So the troll tried to deceive that he still had the right to a toll
Many still believed his lies and found they could not make it across
Peasants and fools believed the truth and made it across
The troll denied that anyone had entered paradise
The rich, wise and strong feared they would become lost
If they ceased to pay the troll's burdensome price
The way to paradise remains open to those who will see
The blind, the poor, and the lame have been set free
But those rich, wise and strong in their own eyes
Remain deceived and burdened down by their own lies
this story really kept my attention..it was stunning. -
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Thanks
It's good to know it kept your attention.
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The last stanza is so true. We have to open our eyes to what is around us, not what we precieve! Nicely done! ~Sie
, good luck in your contest.
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i ilke the strong bridge image, though 'wasteleand' and 'paradise' following it gave me a hard time to picture the real surroundings in a concrete way...
'impeccable' felt too wordy. I like the fantasy-story method though, nice! "Costly benevelence" == what?
"but sprite's pride" -> maybe make it a specific sprite? or at least "but a sprite's pride".
"he'd would" -> typo
"Victory had been won" -> "Victory was run", keep the verbs active, not passive..
Beautiful piece, thanks -
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Thanks
Thank you much for reading and commenting. Your critiques were very useful. I've edited the piece based one some of your comments.
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Well the story did grab my attention and I enjoyed reading it. The rhyme was okay. I think the lines need to be a little shorter. The message could be clearer.
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