My Heart

Wondering if you truly have a place in the world around you.
Only wanting to shrink back into the darkness.
Never truly understanding what is happening to you.
Crying yourself to sleep at night feels normal to you now.
Like it has been a daily routine for you each day of your life.
And if you manage to sleep, you awake the next morning wondering why.
All you ever wanted was to be able to smile.
But that wish has always seemed too farfetched to care about.
Everytime you think you find a friend, it turns out that it was false.
For if they find out your dark secret, your dark pain,
They run from you and never wants to speak to you again.
Which realizing this only makes you want to feel the cold steel even more.
Feeling it slide down your arm, bringing with it the small pain.
But feeling the pain of life is even worse, wanting it all to end.
Knowing what it feels like to be rejected, no longer wanting to feel it.
Loving someone so much it hurts, but seeing them with another.
Makes you feel like they, themselves put a knife through your heart.
Wanting only to hold them, to tell them how much they mean to you but never getting the chance.
Hating the feeling of disappointment when they just dont understand.
Hearing them tell you time after time that thy dont want to hurt you anymore and that they love you.
But yet all they do is hurt you over and over, killing your heart more and more each time.
So you ask yourself, what am I to do now?
They only thing that you can come up with is to let go but yet it seems your heart wont allow it.
It kills you more and more to hold on but if you dont, you fear you will have nothing left.
That your heart will just die with no way to recover it.
So that is the way I choose to live my life.
Loving someone with all my heart, and slowly killing myself because of of it.
I will never be able to let go, but that is the price I willingly pay for being able to feel love for someone so special.