Thus darkness foretold to thee by masters teeth.
Wishes sought to thy brain unknown,
of waking death to thou blackest art thy sown.
All those pieces together that tries to be woven.
Each inch that curls the blade and power through each circled coven;
with star held to the high moonlit sky,
sparks of even cruder magic flown from eye to eye.
Somewhere thy tactful brilliances are born of night.
No doubt that in the eastern winds has carried in the mark of sight.
Still vast masses seep the breath
chants that caresses the wanting of death.
Like fire, air, earth, and water,
Had made the ground tremor and flicker,
as the tea brew makes all minds’ aware of the dead men walking.
Through and through three spirits’ laughing
with the night of thought taught chanters dancing.
In a world thou called to live with evening cries,
thou unfurled this tragic master-piece unto the skies.
Not one thought stained over the sacrificed animal at the fire pit,
nor careful judgment of what could happen when thou had released it.
Author notes
Brother
A contest entry
- Rhyming Ramblings by piccola.
700 points, ended July 20, 2007, 29 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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If I wasn't a dunce, I might understand this; I might also have a better idea of the rhyme scheme too...it sounds kind of like a sonnet in places, but then it goes off. I just don't get it...thanks for the time and the entry though.
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i like the way you worded this...the imagery is clear
i like this a lot
i might be in need of a brother--
good luck in my contest -
wow
This piece took my breath away, it is very deep which enables you to get your teeth into it and pick the bones of what the writer wants you to understand.I really enjoyed this and although I don't profess to have understood it all I still rate it as one of the best I have read for a long time. Well done my elf friend. Val
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This was a clever piece! I like something fantastical for a change as I am mostly used to realistic and political writes as I somewhat struggle to write fantasy unless I am in the right mood to do so.
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It a good write! Confusing at first but you get it in the end.
Still vast masses seep the breath
Chants that carress the wanting of death...
Thats my favorite part!! I love it!! Godd write!!!
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a little hard to read due to the format...but I'm glad I did...I liked your ability to tell a story in the way you do. Thank you for sharing. peace and light, Kendal
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Really good
I really like it. the words flow so greatly together nad it is just such an enchanting story! -
This has such a great flow to it, the words just roll of the tounge...very good vocab usage as well I thought, the only part that had my lips stuck was this part:
"Somewhere thy tactful brilliances are born of night.
No doubt that in the eastern winds has carried in the mark of sight." ...not sure what exactly, but it was like my mind kept wanting to take out the "in" before the eastern winds....Some great images and I thought the title was perfect fit as well...and my fav line of all:
"Through and through three spirits’ laughing
with the night of thought taught chanters dancing."
ok that is just fun to say and the words go so well together
I give two thumbs up!! take care
Michelle Fey
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Blown away
This is incredible, the way you have created this is really amazing. I think i need to read it some more, there's a lot of it i got lost in the words rather than the meaning. A pleasure to read!
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Very impressive, I wish I had the talent to write in this form, my poetry is very modern. I loved it
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Pure talent. That is what you have. I loved the usage of your old-fashioned words, like thee and thy. Charming poem!
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I really like how you use words such as "thee" and "thy" in your poem, it adds kind of an old school charm to the piece and really brings life to it. I also enjoy how you use rhyme but not throughout the whole poem. too much rhyme can make or break a piece, and I think you've used the perfect amount here. congratulations on an amazing job.
~ImperfectPerfection
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This is pretty good, but yah sure we can do that some day. That would be really kewl. But yah I love this poem there is so much efert into it. I will never wright better then u, u are really, really, really good!...Keep the good work up!...
~Luv~
Brittany
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