A pear threatens to fall
Dew wet upon its thin skin
Inaminimate for now
It's future, an abyss.
Pale columns crash
And ocean's spray drips
from the virgin membrane,
Bleeding into eager blackness. . .
But in the pit
There lay traces
Of death's face
And arsenic laces.
This is not enough. . .
Fall back,
Cracking your skull,
A silent cackle,
Lulled into lifelessness.
Author notes
Inspired by the song "Ripe," alternately called "Ripe [With Decay] by Nine Inch Nails. One of the most beautiful instrumentals I have ever heard, along with Metallica's "Orion," and countless others. . . maybe also Do Make Say Think's "Goodbye Enemy Airship," and "The Fare to Get There".
This is also (obviously) about a pear, and I guess it could be seen from almost all of the other views, except of course, the weightloss thing. I recommend re-reading this, applying another one of the given meanings to it.
~James Brush, March 30th, 2007. (11:36 AM)
P.S.: I also wanted to work the word "Opaque" in here, but it didn't fit.
A contest entry
- : t . e . n : by sweetpearl.
330 points, ended March 30, 2007, 5 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - The I'm-sick-of-reading-crap contest. by AutumnsFlame.
507 points, ended May 12, 2007, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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Woah... It's like.... FRUIT OF DEATH!!!
Haha... I thought this was well written. Your description was right on! Good job and good luck in my contest! -
I like this a lot. And I like the word opaque.
You should've added it at the end, just in a paragraph by itself.
Like it doesn't deserve it!
Seriously though, awesome write and thanks for your comment on my pirece. -
Yeah, man...I don't know. On one hand I feel really awkward sitting here feeling empathetic towards pear...but on the other hand...you got me to feel empathetic towards a pear. That's pretty brilliant.
Two things:
1.I'm sure this is just a typo -- should be "upon"
2.To me this is a beautifully lucid piece...but the first line is a bit too blatant for me. Then again I don't have any suggestions and I DO like the subtle rhymes with "all" and "now"...so take it as you will.
Pretty great, though. I enjoyed it a lot.
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wooo! That was friggen nice! I love your ability to use imagery nicely and, when combined with metaphor, you produced an incredibly well-penned piece. I dig it.
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Very interesting... creative, and a little disturbing (in a good way). I don't think you could read this through without getting many different meanings from it, at least for me that is true.
This is a very strong poem. I'm not great at critiquing, but I think that one thing could be fixed. If you want your 2nd stanza to be even more edgy, i would suggest using 'bleeds' instead of 'bleeding' and adding a comma after membrane. Perhaps just my personal opinion.
Also, in the last line, I think you mean lifeLessness instead of lifeNessness.
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You were right about the comma thing, and also about the lifelessness. That was a careless mistake. However, if I changed "bleeding" into "bleeds," the entire tense would shift, thus causing a different meaning. I'm actually not even sure what it would mean then. Let me explain the stanza. Perhaps I fucked up in not showing this well enough. . .
Pale columns crash---these are teeth, as I'm sure you know, but this is meant to be one, fragmented phrase. "Pale columns crash" period. (I'm sorry if this seems like I'm dope-slapping you, lol. I'm just explaining the whole thing. . . so if it seems like I'm going over obvious bits, I'm sorry. . . This is also for anyone who reads this, too, not just you.)
"Ocean's srpay drips from the virgin's membrane," that is supposed to be the first half of another sentence. . . The reason why I have "And" at the beginning is to keep the flow consistent. The ocean's spray are the juices from the pear, (I think I got this from a juice brand,) which in turn are "bleeding into eager blackness." That is the mouth. I hope that helps explain some things, or at least why I can't change the tense of that word, without also chaning some other things around.
Also, I hope my long-windedness didn't discourage you from leaving future comments. I really did appreciate your comment. It helped me out more than you probably realize. -
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Haha, you must type fast.
Alright, I understand this stanza better now. Don't change it. :]
I'm off to get some mexican food (my favorite) so I'll read some of your others later.
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For a poem about a pear, it's quite sad and hollow. I feel pity for the poor thing. It could definitely be applied to more than one thing.
"Pale columns crash... - ...Bleeding into eager blackness"
--the wording here is, ah, brilliant to say the least. Love the inspiration, quite different than many would choose, I feel. NIN have some of the best instrumentals ever. I swear this could be about* hell. Thanks for the entry.
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