welling
watering
tear drops
no pain
nor agony
je n'ai pas triste
only dry
arid heater air
characteristic of winter
yab
Comments
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confused?
this is very much different from the other one that's just slightly older than this. a couple things: um..in the first three lines(?, more like words) you use images of moisture. contrasting it with the last three lines using dry imagery is a good idea, but it didn't seem very clearly expressed at all. perhaps mirror the last three lines with the first three in terms of number of words and word length. also, in the middle three lines, you use some powerful words, that, although powerful, didn't seem to correspond with anything. and definitely ruined the ability for the reader to "feel" bone-dry. also, the little bit of french there...i understand why it works, but at the same time, in the context of the over all poem, it doesn't seem to fit. perhaps sticking to english is best. besides all of that, the one piece that confused me the most, was your message. i understand that you want the reader to feel as if you are "dry," but using words like "pain" and "agony" quite possibly aren't the best words to fit your overall meaning. personally, i also felt if you truly weren't feeling agony, or pain, or disdain or even "triste," then you probably wouldn't be thinking about it in the first place, and therefore wouldn't use them in a poem depicting the fact that you don't have them. i could be wrong, it's just my opinion.
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The problem you seem to have with reading my poems is you look for some sort of hidden meaning. I am not referring to any sadness....at all. Really.
My bedroom was dry....and it made my eyes water. It made me look as though I had been crying. But....I wasn't the room was only dry. I was using the references to being sad just so the reader would get the visual that I looked like I had been crying....then I came up from behind and smacked them with the fact that I wasn't.(Maybe I should have stated that in my authors comments.)
Also, my intention wasn't to make the reader feel bone-dry. It was for them to read a poem about how winter makes my fricken eyes water.
Sure, the reader is allowed the chance to imply their own meaning...as with any poem.
It seems that you and I have different views on how poetry should be written...I admit I am no poetry expert by no means...nor am I an English major but, how I feel about my poetry....or how I write it rather is by letting words pour out...if you will....that’s how I get across what I want in the poetic form that I want. I rarely go back and edit them (unless it's in a contest or has bad grammatical errors that ruin the meaning) and the reason why is when I wrote it....that is how I was feeling...the order in which the words come out...or my word choice or what ever...is part of that. I have never really been the one to sit in a thesaurus all day long looking for words (maybe when I first started attempting this poetry-thing).
Anyways....your comment got me all fired up.
I actually appreciate your comments and don't stop. Your review made me look at my overall style and become more comfortable with how I want it to be.
Thx.
Chels
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hmmmm
nevertheless the actual reason or meaning behind your poem, a kind of confusion that the reader may about about something that you've written may be an indication that perhaps your thoughts weren't presented clearly enough.
if there is no deep meaning to a particular poem, then make sure that that is evident as well, so as not to send the reader mixed ideas.
thanks,
Abdul-Jafar Akhministahd
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The winter of our discontent
It's spring, it's supposed to bring thoughts of renewal, love and all that good stuff. Turn off the heater...
When the emotions die, bone-dry is what is left...April showers bring May flowers and hopefully less aridity for you.
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