His eyes seep through his pane glass
Where the smile shines the young lady's room
His eyes explore for her facade once again
Her sheets stare wholesome,
Skilled in such flimsiness
Her curtains seems to skip with such poise
To the audience of the watched wind.
The extent embroiders her every brogue
How it leaves his nose to dwell
in the bouquet of her beauty.
Keenness begins to vision
When his love will arrive again,
To his eyes of a firm leaf.
She not knowing
For her mind molded this claylike vow
Laid on a staircase of yarned weeps
To never again deem love's bid
It shall never give to her.
His eyes wait through the pane glass
Where the smile lights the young lady's house
he shall never see her again
and she shall never know...
A contest entry
- ---gold takes it all- - - by Xx.Toxic.xX.
1003 points, ended February 28, 38 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Prewrites Preretites Prewrites! 2 by pain is love..
490 points, ended August 2, 137 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please express the tone and imagery
Comments
1 - 78 of 78
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His eyes seep through his pane glass
Where the smile shines the young lady's room
His eyes wait through the pane glass
Where the smile lights the young lady's house
he shall never see her again
and she shall never know...
I love the images, the mood and the emotions in between the images
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Wow, you did a great job with that! I admire how you tied the first stanza to the end of the piece. I like the personification, but I'm not sure about the phrase "His eyes seep through his pane glass", I think "seep" could be replaced with something better, it just seemed a little awkward. Other than that, I enjoyed reading this, and I appreciated the fact that it stood out from a lot of poetry of lost love.
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This was a nice write, well expressed with a nice flow.Thanks for entering
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I thought you did a nice job here on your piece.The Imagery does amaze me nice job again and hope you win in those contest entry's.
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I love this piece you have created a great deal of emotion and imagery for the reader to mull over, wonderfully done
Karen -
The imagery in this piece amazes me. The wording makes this piece sound extremely sophisticated. You've done an excellent job!
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You made something so applauling into something so beautiful. Good insight. I like the way your mind expands. You write beautifully. Keep doing it!
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ooh, this one sent shivers up my spine! such a work of art, it seemed so warm and welcoming and yet so cold and chilling at the same time... a remarkable talent, that.
very well done!
keep it up, this is wonderful stuff
ELW xx -
Very wonderful and unique. I love your wording and the story you seem to tell.
Thank you for entering!
~Phoenix
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wow this is very unusual poem! I definately enjoyed it though so unique! nice job!
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. . . .Okay, well, the ending is wonderful, if not incredably creepy. It ties the rest of it together. In the middle, it gets confusing and loses its point, but the end gives it a purpose. Good luck in my contest.
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This is rather a creepy piece about spying on your lost love. Great job on that score. Nice metaphors you used in describing her.
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good job
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Her sheets stare wholesome,
Skilled in such flimsiness
Her curtains seems to skip with such poise
To the audience of the watched wind.
For her mind molded this claylike vow
Laid on a staircase of yarned weeps
To never again deem love's bid
It shall never give to her.
His eyes wait through the pane glass
Where the smile lights the young lady's house
he shall never see her again
and she(I) shall never know...
i have copied the 3rd and last three stanza to make a point: beauty in a poem at its height creates another poem, as the mother poem creates itself over and over within the poem. The images are beautiful, and the story would be unremarkable, and though stories in great poems need not be remakable, this one is, because i see not only his reflection in his own glass of himself, but her knowing he is there, last line tells me this, my reading and opinion only. The remarkable irony of this poem of sadness and perhaps edgy satisfaction, is that she does know and she has arranged her room to torture this fool. I love this poem. I may have read it beyond your intention, but often a poem gives more to the reader than it gives to the poet. This is a polished and beautiful poem in all respects. it is just breathtakingly lovely and delightfully wicked. cool. ;
) ,,,Moqui
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Very very beautifully written!!
"Skilled in such flimsiness"
I have no idea why, but I love that line. To me, it's a nice oxymoron, which adds to the theme of some kind of confusion (at least to me it does)
Nicely done, and good luck in the contest!
-System of Cyanide
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uh...
like the person below said..kinda creep but good. very emotional...nto a whole lot to say i guess...very good..keep on writing and improving and good luck -
Creepy, in a way, but still really good. I don't know if there were hidden meanings (not usually good at catching them) but the surface meaning was interesting. Good luck in the contest.
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Very Good
This is very well written
I don`t understand all the metaphores
but that is OK as well, it may be my reading
Like the ending
His eyes wait through the pane glass
Where the smile lights the young lady's house
he shall never see her again
and she(I) shall never know...
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wow
great poem.
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Kinda creepy if you think about it...*shiver* and not my forte, but an interesting piece none the less. good job!
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I really enjoyed your imagery and the lingering end. I love that pause, reinforcing the dark spots of not knowing. Beautiful write. I must admit I got a bit confused with the imagery and where it was leading to at some point but it was still a great read. Oh, nevermind, sorry. I read it again and all is clear.
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wow...this is an amazing write. absolutely brilliant. i could never speak of such beauties. well done. very well done. *ROSE*
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touching
You have a wonderful heartfelt gentle flow with words..they project vivid images that come alive in the mind's eye.
An effortless but unique command of language.
Thanks for the read..)
Ber -
Amazing imagery
a very inaginative and well written piece. it sort of reminds me of a modern romeo and juliet but prehaps more errie then romantic.which gives it its mysteriousness about it.as i read it it made me look to my window as it unnevred me a little but i think that poetry should effect the emotions like your poem has. i love the structure as it has a slight unpredicabiliy about similar to the someone watching in the distance.
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To watch from a distance as the other has no idea they are even being watched. What a clever write you have penned here.
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you commented on this with an applause
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nice poem!
I really liked it.
it was sad as well though cause the guy just looked at her from a far, admirering her beauty but never really telling her.
but it was a great read!
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wow i liked the poem but in some parts it was a lil peepin tom ish but never the less a good write
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bravo
i enjoyed that some what eerie too -
Sounds like you have a secret admirer watching out for you or just admiring you. Of course we wi;; never know
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Nicely Written!!!!!!!!
Very nicely written!!!I enjoyed the journey from the window into the window of a love he'll never have who also will never know!!!Nice way of conveying this to your readers!!!Thanks for sharing!!!~~Toni~~ -
very touching
very touching and exquisitely written-wow! What more can I say but best of luck to you in the contest...surely is a winner! peace & blessings
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who knows who is watching. well done.
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i am not certain if this is a starcrossed lover or a stalker. either way, having someone peek in on me without my knowledge is weird. why not just knock on the darn door?! at any rate, a good write and i wish you the best of luck in this contest. viyanna rosemarie
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I have to agree with Mark...this is filled with shadows of brillance
Had to read a few times, for the language is unique and rich
best wishes
Peace Muddy
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I will go in the other direction
Your metaphors were great the only thing is there were so many of them the people sort of lost their humanity in all the leaves and sheets. It seems sad and whimsical in a way but all so as if there is more to say. Maybe she should have told him her feelings outright. -
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and the sheets and such s off the bed how its expreseds her. Her room is white and clean the curtains and bedsheet...and such he amwazed at how the scent of her and the rom is so pure must be like her soul he's then in love with her. she kills her self lateer on as I say
he shall never see again
because she don't believe in find love for her
"and she sall never know"
for she shall never the one that loved her
poor her
that's the setting of the story
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Very nice use of metaphore....creates some wonderfull imagery. Best of luck!
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This was amazing, I'm very impressed, and I think I'll have to go to your site and check out your other poems, to see just how amazing you are. This had amazing imagery, you could just imagine what was happening, very well done.
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OOPS, commented on this one before. See you are getting some good reviews of this awesome poem. Good to go.
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This is a wonderful piece. Your imagery is fantistic.. and your use of metaphore is superb. Good luck in the contest. Blessings. Debby
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wow this is a great poem you have used great imagery skills with this one love....
For her mind molded this claylike vow
Laid on a staircase of yarned weeps
To never again deem love's bid
It shall never give to her.
amazing utterly amazing well done
laura xxx -
a very powerful write with simply wonderful imagery, i love the lines
Her sheets stare wholesome,
Skilled in such flimsiness
wonderful write, i wish you best of luck in the contests
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A somewhat sad but excellent piece of writing . . . I also really was intrigued by the way you used your words, they left me feeling like I was viewing a shadow through a thin veil of sorts . . . a most interesting and arresting write . . . WELL DONE!!!!!
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wow
His eyes wait through the pane glass
Where the smile lights the young lady's house
he shall never see her again
and she(I) shall never know...
I reserve the word Brilliant for pieces such as this...bravo...
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This wa a very descriptive and detailed piece and for that I think you be great at story telling also. great write. Thanks for entering in my contest. Best of luck.
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Some good alliteration in these lines - easy to read and understand the sentiments you have expressed so well in these lines - good flow and message you share in this poem. Sadness permeates throughout, loving from afar is not the real thing, but maybe one day the real thing will come along.
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so romantic and each word you penned lingers, and is almost melodic(is that a word?)....great job my fav was ..."laid on a staircase of yarned weeps..." oh such sadness in those words....
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One word: wow
good job on this poem ^_^ keep it up way way up ^_^
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Such a beautifully sad poem.....really showed your poetic talent in this one...good luck in the contest! Smiles, Terry
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O WOW!! This is GREAT!!! Good Luck in the contest, I'd give u first place!!
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dark romance
Weaved with fine dark threads of metaphore as the
tale goes to this love unrequited in shadows and glass.Original and full of tragedy ..images of mystery.
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this is good girl. i had to read it and i love it. i think i'm going to enter this contest. nicely done and return the favor.
~Dani~
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bravo
A wistfully sad, almost meditative piece of poetry...well done ...bravo...bravo...bravo...
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woah...this blew me away man...it's given me a whole new perspective on events in my life at the moment...whoa, I need to go away and think for a while...
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Love is sad. It always will be no matter how you look at it. Your poem is sad and relateable for some
NoL -
Yeh This is good piece because its a little sad .A bit of sad ness makes some good sense to poem.great work.u should be simple words user in poem 4 understanding others.
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Such a sad and sweet piece. We never know sometimes the people that love us from afar..kind of romantic in a sense..This was well done with the imagery vivid and sharp.
Thank you for sharing.
Soulful Woman
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a beautiful piece intertwined with sadness and subtle innuendo's of love's sorrow with the yearning of love. A shaded image came to mind of the colors of pastel faded for his delay of love.
I look forward to looking more at your work.
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The ending leaves me feelings a little sad and empty. Sad that, when love probably should be, it never is. Made me think of "Rear Window."
One suggestion. I felt that the word "nose" in this line stuck out somewhat bluntly.
"How it leaves his nose to dwell"
I thought there might be some better and poetic way to say that. Maybe not mention the nose but just how he smelt the sweet aroma or something.
When you return the favor, could please comment on one of my most recent pieces? Thanks.
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Great piece with a lot of style and imagery.You bring out each feeling well.Very emotional.I liked it
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This is a rather sad story, but surprisingly (or maybe as should have been expected) I think it could bring hope to many. There are plenty of girls who think very low of themselves and even consider suicide, and your poem reveal "what could be". Of course this is a cliched phrase everyone uses, but it can possibly mean the world to a hopeless person. I think you have done a great job posting this, it could rteally make feel better some people who actually need it. The only thing that slightly bothered me was the "oh" in the end - the poem could do much better without it, I would say. I also want to point out my favorite phrase in the whole poem - "the bouquet of her beauty." This is beautifully said and sounds melodic.
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WE GENTLE SOULS
to answer in comment form just cannot be,
even deeper poems shan't set the reader free.
but when we feel the firefly free,
we wonder why two souls couldn't see.
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Very subtle, sensual and sad... It is pitiful that we at times hide our love, our true feelings, being afraid to open up and be rejected or for any other reasons. Unfortunately we don't realize that these words can save someone if not from death, but from lonelines at the very least.
Some of the epithets are just so tasty - if one can say so.
"How it leaves his nose to dwell
in the bouquet of her beauty." - Oh, my, that is so unique and speaking. I liked the flow of it too - it goes very naturally and effortlessly.
One thing, it is only from the Author notes that I understood about the Girl's suicide. Maybe it is for the better - you know, leaves more choice, adds more mystery.
Beautifully done,
regards,
Jan
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An interesting write...I'm still taking it all in! Unusually differant...and inspiring! Everyone is unique and you have shown this by delving into something that is completely differant.
I'm amazed really!
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it is a said fact but it is a strange one, i cna see the saddness in this poem, keep it flowing this is something
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Wow. This is really sad, but poetic if anything else. I actually really liked the form and style of your poem. When I read poems I read them as a critic (or attempt it at least ) and I'm not usually sucked into the writing. You did a wonderful job with this poem. Other then some grammar mistakes you made such as "His eyes seeps through" I believe it should be his eyes seep through. And other points where you used double plurals back to back. All in all though this is a fantastic write and I enjoyed reading it very much.
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Tender, Innocent Sensuality
This was quite a write, with a symmetry of beauty that is genuine and rare. This is a motivating piece, agreeing with Maddogk, this stimulates the thought processes, for sure.
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thank u so much!!!!
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But she will know!
When not looking it shall slide through the cracks in
the atmosphere, to sneak upon her soul, silently
enveloping her sanity....
And set free she will be, free to love the dawning day,
Free to love him, and he ~ her....
She shall not know when, only the certainty that it
will....
Yes, this got me in an inspired mood. Thank you, and well done..
Jeffro -
Reads softly almost with the sense of old world charm within its style and words, it is breathtakingly beautiful of love given and taken. Lovely job.
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thank u so much
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Good
I really like this poem I believe it is a good demonstrate of love being given and taken -
OMG!! It's beautiful. Such emotional feelings of desire and love and yet the feeling of why? Why can't it be. This is great.
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oh my gosh! i am going to cry. this is so heartbreaking. i should hope that she does know. thank you for sharing your talent with me tonight. viyanna rosemarie
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Beautiful!!
This was just wonderful! such imagery and emotion you have penned a great piece here!
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love it!!!!!!!!!!
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