To Barbara
If we returned to our infancy,
we would have seen
our awkward mating dance,
defensive questions loaded
with hot lead
into the black powder guns of the patriots
delivered by the ton
in crates
and ready to kill.
A contest entry
- love poems that don't make me vomit by vaguelyfamiliar.
650 points, ended April 27, 2008, 27 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
-
I must agree with Lisa. I think that this had great potential but is maybe not quite there. The use of tense is definitely off in that first stanza, and there are too many "we"s and "our"s floating about.
My fingers are starting to get tired, which is unfair to you. I do enjoy this, I am going to add it to my finalists list, and I may come back and leave a more thorough critique soon.
Thank you for entering. -
I happen to love the American Revolutionary time period (and with all this John Adams craze who can resist?)
For me, there are a few rough spots in this otherwise delightful little, strange, love poem.
I think "we" and "our" in the first line is pronoun overkill.
I think the tense feels off between:
if we returned to our infancy and we would have seen? Feels awkward to me. Perhaps a form suggestion:
If returned to our infancy, we
would see our awkward mating dance,
defensive questions loaded
with hot lead into the black powder guns
of the patriots, delivered by the ton
in crates, ready to kill.
Like this -- and hope you don't mind my honest crit. Good luck in the contest.
Lisa
Adding your comment:
