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[ i have too many things going wrong ]

i have too many things going wrong
all the time for me
to still want to live
to still want to breath
but yet i am a soldier
so i keep putting one boot
in front of the other
i keep marching
all day every day
patiently waiting
for everything to go away

the nightmares that haunt me
will they ever leave
will they ever let me move on
move on with my life
will my fiance always be by myside
oh wait i forgot
he is now my guardian angel
watching me
pushing me
helping me
wishing he could hold me
he gave up his life for you and me
he was my warrior
my marine
he was captured in iraq
he was mia for two months
he was tortured
mental and physically
they found pieces of a body
a few weeks before christmas
christmas eve i got a phone call
we positively id'd they body
"IT WAS HIM"
i told his buddies they were wrong
he would come back to me
we would get married in a few months
he would never leave me
but he did
three years of dating
engaged for almost a year
he proposed
superbowl halftime
i will never forget
our life together
nothing but a never ending dream

my brother
he is two years younger
we were so close
we could tell
each other everything
but now nothing
he is killing himself
because of his love for me
why do people use the knife
cutting a line down the middle
middle of their forearm
do they get a rush
does it make them feel better
why couldnt he tell me
tell me his feelings
tell me how he felt
is that so hard
am i such a bad sister

i am losing
so many friends
to that thing we swore too
the military life
they are getting deployed
and not getting back
some ied explosions
some sniper attaches
some accidents
some small arms fire
i cant seem to find
enough friends
to make up for those
im losing
do we have to fight
but thats our orders
we must obey
as they fall
more and more
everyday

there are somethings
better left in the past
there are somethings
that you just cant forget
but dont know how to say
here is the simplest
i have been raped
more than once
more than twice
more than thrice
more than four times
just five times
over all my life
im only 19 years old now
i was seven my first
i was twelve my second
i was thirteen my third
i was fifteen my fourth
i was sixteen my last
twice by females
thrice by males
its not something
easy to talk about
easy to discuss
simply because
you dont want to remember
not one single detail
but you cant help it

this is my life
this is what i deal with
every night and day
my depression

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 5 of 5

  • Symphony
    April 26

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    "all day every day
    patiently waiting
    for everything to go away"

    that's what soldiers do on the front line isn't it ... put their own lives aside, and serve their time even though the laws they uphold don't always serve them back :s

    Very powerful, emotional write - thank you for entering.


  • Avatar of Innocence
    September 7, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Thank you very much for being patient with me, and entering my contest.

    Thanks for writing a heart-wrenchingly didactic poem on the graces of supporting our troops and personal protectors.


  • xxRainbowDawnxx
    July 5, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I can relate to some of these, though obviously some are not what I have gone through. Understandable why you feel everything is messed up and not progressing.


  • skye01 gold member
    June 23, 2008

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    Your words can only touch the tip of the ice burg of the pain you must live with each day. So eloquently spoken and emotionally conveyed but your spirit is so strong and you have marched on. Your life lessons are so traumatic but you are a survivor. You must have some awesome Guides and Guardian Angels. May you be Blessed and surrounded by the Light of Love, Protection, Happiness, Harmony and Peace and may this Light Flow Though YOU!


  • Pollycheck
    April 19, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Thank you for entering my military contest. I don't think there is a person in the United states that has not felt some type of loss because of Iraq.

1 - 5 of 5