Her hair is a mess
Knotted up and dirty
like the heart inside
Dirt covers her skin
Darkening the pale patches it finds
Like the soul she left behind
She's along way from home
All alone, dieing inside
The people around
They look down on her
As she sleeps, near the side
of the road that she walks, alone
The tears no longer fall
eyes dried out like
the lone desert of her mind
No one wants her anymore
No one sees the real her
She's along way from home
All alone, dieing inside
The people around
They look down on her
As she sleep, near the side
of the road that she walks, alone
All alone, walking alone
No one there to save her
From the one death
that can kill her
She's all alone
She's along way from home
All alone, dieing inside
The people around
They look down on her
As she sleep, near the side
of the road that she walks, alone
A contest entry
- Reflections in a Jaded Mirror by Vae Victis.
1400 points, ended April 12, 2007, 21 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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Great imagery!
I'm going to assume that this isn't literal... with that assumption, I really like the idea you're using to outline loneliness here. I like a lot of your imagery. However, I feel as though your words might pack more of a punch if you left the "like" out of your metaphors and connected the imagery in a different way. My best!
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dying
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pretty good!
Indeed this is a good write about a serious subject that i didnt even imagin would be in this contest. I really did enjoy this write. thanks for entering and good luck! Peace out! -
I love this part here:
She's along way from home
All alone, dieing inside
The people around
They look down on her
As she sleep, near the side
of the road that she walks, alone
The stanza, I guess it is. It is phenominal. I can just image what it would look like. This poem, however, lacks discription that would just bring it to the level of raw-ness that would make people not be able to stop reading it. What you need to do is describe in brutal honesty the scene or the girl in her tragic state. Thanks for sharing. Love and Peace, Charlene. -
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your comment to shes alone
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Pretty good. Her emptiness really comes out very well. Other than spelling two things come to mind: First, since this is supposed to by lyrics to a song, shouldn't the verses be the same length? The first verse is a line longer. I'm sure you thought about it, I was just wondering since I don't have the music to go with it. Second, the line 'the death that can kill her' really bothers me. It's redundant. Overall, good poem.
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Very good lyrical quality a few spelling mistakes and grammaticla errors but overall is a good write. shows good passion and a great understanding of pain and grief you really capture the feeling of bieng alone
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