A medow light green
With light blue skys,
Not a single cloud
Wind blowing
Ever so slightly
Creating the look of waves
Of deeper surrounding
A lighter green
But it last
For a couple of seconds
In each indentation
Of a fast moving spot
Up above
The scean changes
An erie green
While clouds
Darker than the oceans' depths
Cover the green sky
Bolts of electricity
Crashes down
Chrisping the blades of grass
But fires don't burst out
There's too many walls
Of tightly wound
Water droplets preventing it
Author notes
its a work in progress but I hope you like it
its free write practice that i did at work when we weren't busy. I personally Don't think its very good, tell me if you think otherwise.
I'm planning to add more to this.
#5 - Describe a storm with detail and imagery
Blow
I think this is applicable to this contest, if only for the part before the storm, but i am unsure, if you deem it unworthy go ahead and delete it
In a list
A contest entry
- Options are scattered across the floor.... by AutumnsFlame.
501 points, ended May 28, 2007, 17 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Anything. by Sonofdead.
800 points, ended June 26, 2007, 138 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - My favorite poem!!! by Lola Green.
530 points, ended November 23, 2007, 51 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - CONTEST: Blowing by Edna Sweetlove.
321 points, ended January 18, 2008, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - BLOW (repaired) by Kali-Mus.
600 points, ended March 2, 2008, 5 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - 193rd Contest by Tarja.
425 points, ended February 3, 2008, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
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This was wonderful piece of poetry... I love the way you captured the moment and the beauty was felt with the read. There were a few small errors, such as "Medow" is spelled incorrectly, as it should be "Meadow".
Other than that... stunning.
Sincerely,
Mel
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TYPOS:
A medow light green
With light blue skys,
The scean changes
An erie green
Chrisping the blades of grass
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I Like the imagery of this one.
Some spelling errors, but other than that
I like the descriptions you provide.
Thank you for entering :]]
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I'm glad you don't think it's very good. I'm off for a wawk in the medow.
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What's a medow? What's a scean? This is exoeterocic 2B shooer.
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This had... imagery
and that's about it. I thought this lacked meaning and just that "X" factor that makes poems good... Thank you for entering and good luck in my contest. -
Please put the option number.
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sorry about that, but i did it
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I like the intensity of this poem, the form creates that. What I'm not wild about is the capital letters at the beginning of each line, it makes it hard to know where to begin a line. Other than that it's well written
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this is a good write. you had two misspelled words but it was a good write. medow should be meadow and scean should be scene. THis was a good write though.
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Hmmm
You weren't kidding about the wonderful imagery one bit! This is lovely in parts and others, well it seems as though you were struggling to get it out...even for a freewrite. It feels incomplete in places.
"Creating the look of waves
Of deeper surrounding"
I think if you got rid of 'the look of' these two lines would harmonize much more beautifuly.
It seemed to me that if you dropped "Up above" or replaced it with something along the lines of "In an instant" it would allow for the scene or portrait that you are creating for the reader to flow with a bit more grace.
"Bolts of electricity
Crashes down" Crashes should be crash...as bolts is plural.
"There's too many walls
Of tightly wound
Water droplets preventing it" Now, here I am asuming that you mean that fire will not spread due to tightly wound water droplets...which is quite clever btw, but just some simple reorganizing of lines can bring it across with a bit more ease.
There are five words that are not spelled correctly that I know if for sure and I am not sure what this one is.."Chrisping". I see that you are planning to add more to this....I would love to come back and read....let me know! I really did enjoy this....would just like to see it reach it's full potential! I have bookmarked this and will come back to read about your beautiful meadow!
Misspelled words medow = meadow
skys = skies
erie = eerie
scean = scene
last = lasts
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this is smashin'
wow, it's been a while since i read your poems and this is...PRETTY..i like how you start and end, I like the middle parts ...i like inside out of your poem...this poem is NICE...the words:
Not a single cloud
Wind blowing
Ever so slightly
Creating the look of waves
Of deeper surrounding
A lighter green
But it last
For a couple of seconds
Like this...really brilliant!!!
this whole poem is interesting to read!
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this a good start, if that's what it really is...I think it's pretty complete as it is, because it says to me that even the most innocent-seeming things like a medow in summer have something to protect them from harm...I would suggest, though that you put more of a transition from the peaceful scene to the storm coming, it's kinda abrupt and doesn't really fit the tone of the rest of the poem...
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The imagery is working wonderfully I think, but it's lacking substance. It seems that you are intending to say so much more metaphorically, and I look forward to it.
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um, i never know what people mean when they say its lacking substance, can you please explain?
And as for being metaphoric, in the futrure maybe but how it is since it was forced practice it has no hidden meaning
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It is indeed description of nature as it is. You rhyme it by tinkering with it several times it becomes a good poem. As the mind so the man and so the poem.You have in you the instincts to pen poetry..Keep it flowing..Thanks also for commenting on my poem.
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Good comment, except I don't know if this is a typo, "As the mind so the man and so the poem" if that's not a typo i have absolutely no clue what it means.
I'm going to change your comment to 5 stars once you reply. Because long as its more than the ever classic "terrific, it really spoke to me, great job" or anything else like that I give it five because you actually read and understood.
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