A boy
Hidden away
In an airvent
Crying, and pleading
"What the heck!
My mom said
That this school would be better
Its Not!
I get to be beat-up everyday
After school I'm worried
About getting shot
About my friends the same
So I found this shelter
For myself and them
This airvent
We wait here together
In close silence
Only sound,
Being us individually scraping the metal
But when nightfall hits
We get out
In an organized fashion
Then protect each other
Going from close to far appartments
But we don't walk
We're not stupid
We don't have deathwishes
We run!
During the winters
Its especially hard
Its so Damn cold
I keep my mind off
O-off the C-cold
Buhbuhby scraping poetry
In-into the metal
That surrounds me
We do our usual to get out
Jump to grasp the metal
To get out
Then step off the edge of the building
Catching the others
Today is my turn
To be the first down
I jump out
Of my safe haven
And start to the edge
But as I begin to step off
I meet for my first and last time
Mr. Stray Bullet
From the town
Of Black Death
Not what I was expecting today
The day I die
It was so soon
Exactly 4 years ago
And now as an ode
I'm talking through my old friend
Who would've thought he was the weakest then
But now, he's the last one left
Now to finish his poem
This was real life
It wasn't expected
No one knows the future
No one knows what to expect
Nor does anyone ever truely win"
Author notes
option Lost Love
(Love of a friend)
I fell asleep for a nap on the couch, when i woke up. I had all this for inspiration, it felt like someone else(Yoni) was guiding my fingers.
What he said in there, that this is the 4th year aniversary. That's true, I had honestly forgotten.
In a list
A contest entry
- Bury Me In Black #2 (dark poetry) by EvenStarsBreak--x.
450 points, ended April 2, 2007, 25 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - The Beautiful, The Ugly - - The Best. by saartha.
650 points, ended June 1, 2007, 25 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Options..Options..Options by fallenangel671.
1200 points, ended July 13, 2007, 52 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
-
wow awesome poem, i will defiantly read the first part, i loved this, even though it was the lose of a friend it suited the option perfectly and i loved this, so sad to hear about your friend though, this reminds me of the friend i lost back in grade 2, i still remember that day when they told us daniel died, but anyways yah, i loved this poem, and i loved it soo much,
good luck in the contest
keep writing
~Ashley~<3 -
Nice write!!!! I thoroughly enjoyed the entire thing~ now I'm heading to your page to check out the 1st part~
Thanks so much~ Good luck on the contest!
-
-
hope you weren't disappointed because part 1 shows that losing doesn't only happen with humans, but with animals as well.
-
-
Interesting subject, but there's definitely a lot
you need to do to make it a good poem.
Typo error in the first stanza. Should be 'hidden.' Pleading isn't really the verb you want to use here. He's not begging or appealing to someone, he's complaining.
The language used in this poem is really rough. You start off with 'heck' and then progress to 'fuck' later on. It doesn't feel real. Listen to people talking around you, pay attention to the words they use. When you've got a person speaking in a poem, you want them to be consistent in their speech mannerisms. I'd also intersperse the character's monologue with descriptions. Use literary devices (similes, metaphors, personification, etc) to drive home to the readers exactly the situation this boy's in, how afraid he is, how terrible things are for him.
Really, I'm not to fond of monologue poems to begin with. If I were to be rewriting this poem, I'd completely take out his words and express it entirely in description. Personal opinion, though.
Good attempt at stutters in the third stanza, but be careful about putting in extra letters that don't belong. Cold should probably not have a K in it, just stick with something like c-cold. Same with scraping...though I think that was just a typo. Surounds = surrounds. Ininto = Into.
The fourth stanza is boring and unnecessary. Remove it, or replace it with something of importance.
The rest of the poem follows the same things I've been saying. Describe, describe, describe. Don't just tell me what this is about, SHOW me.
Good luck with your revision
-
-
i changed much of it. But I don't feel like its mine to entirely change, but things such as mispellings and deleting the 4th stanza. I did that kind of stuff.
And as for the swearing, I'm going to change fuck to hell. Have a good day.
-
-
it's so tense at first, and then at the end, it just completely unwinds with that undeniable tidbit.
yoni's got a good friend... -
This is wonderful. Extremely touching. The idea of someone else writing through you sounds amazing, but I think I can honestly believe it.
Far be it from my right to deny what we cannot know.
Goodluck in the contest ^^
-
Oh. This is very good. I like the concept because in today's society people actually do feel like that in certain places. Almost like no place is safe.
I like the quick flow of the poem. It seems how (pace, not wording) a child would talk.
I like the last stanza because it is so true. Thanks for sharing. I enjoyed reading it. -
I agree with what siberhawk said about that part being her favorite. I think it was mine too. I liked how it says today, in the present, and then four years ago, in the past. It's like you said, you felt like someone was writing through you and it was kinda cool to read it like that. I like how you tied the last line to the title. Good job. =)
-
"Not what I was expecting today
The day I die
It was so soon
Exactly 4 years ago
And now as an ode
I'm talking through my old friend"
Was my favourite part... good job and thanks for entering my contest. ^-^
Adding your comment:
1 - 10 of 10
