Hey...
you understand what you did to me?
You have just commanded all the segments of my body
now I can't do anything else except to program
innocently the conduct of
my arms only to drive out for you to hug
my lips also mutinied detrimentally
and submitted an ultimatum
to me to consume all the sugar of your lips
my eyes too are not willing to witness at
landscapes of this great nature
they are suspecting the luminaries of your
stunning splendor which prevails in you when
you are Unclothed for me
hey...
Author notes
Option...Prompt 3
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
H. L. Mencken
A contest entry
- picture of grace by thepoeticone.
900 points, ended April 14, 2008, 8 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Love Is A Verb by SerenityNChains.
700 points, ended August 4, 2008, 25 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 25 of 25
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very sensual great piece
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Sweet and Sensual
Beautiful, sweet piece. It expresses passion, playfulness and joy in one who has mesmerized you. This appears to my senses to be a mature love, not a fling. The best kind there is is mature love. The best expression physically is between mature and knowing lovers. Thank you for writing such a tender and honest piece.
Jennifer
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i love, love, love this piece. it sounds like something ou would be saying to someone, or thoughts perhaps.
loves.
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A wonderful pen just ever so slightly out of emotional control as love always is. God, is it huh?
one of your best my brother, one of your best.
len
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A very casual write that describes the inability to control our emotions and actions when in love. The style is slightly reminiscent of Pablo Nerudas. Very well penned. A fantastic entry.
Serenity~
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Oh my goodness this is amazing!
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'they are suspecting the luminaries of your stunning splendor which prevails in you when you are Unclothed for me'
Those 2lines got me..
This is fantastic piece my friend...nice to see different type other than spirituality ones plus even this it have your spirit touch anyway lol..great job..
Ruby
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I love it, really had a good connection with the photo, the content was very good, very nice flow, and lovely vibe, kind of a sway in the wind, I really enjoyed this ,..good luck
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I like this.
It's very unique.
I like the length of it. It's short. But sweet, and has some really good imagery.
I love -love- the last two lines :]
They finnish the poem perfectly.
Thank you for entering and good luck!! -
Gross, really. Not that you're an old man, but yeah maybe.
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Very creative use of words. Unique and out there. Pretty cool. Nice wook. Luck.
~Oka/KC -
unusual
Yet again you present in a really unusual form, which to be honest at first I read and thought, no, then I find myself going back to read, looking at individual words and picking out phrases, that is good, you should always challenge the reader.
Too often a reader has expectations of simplicity - anything piece of writing that offers itself up as different is rejected and likewise too many authors simply pander to the reader.
There is a mechanical feel to this, the words are quite - hmmm - I guess clunky - ill fitting - but i like it - because they express such emotion, it is almost a paradox. Kind of sums up feelings though, in poetry often smooth, in reality often clumsy and ill fitting!
Like the use of 'hey' - capped the piece nicely.
James
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This is excellent1 I dont think I have read any like this from you before.You have done very well here with this erotic and yet magical write. Thanks for sharing this. I enjoed it ver much
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I love the way you started and ended this piece, very well done!!!
"my arms only to drive out for you to hug"
That line was so brillantly thought about and purely amazing, well done.
Goodluck in the contest you entered!!!
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This is deffinately very different to some of the other stuff i have read and although im pretty new at the whole poetry writting, reading and commenting i must say that i really like this one.
Like i said, im pretty new to the whole thing so if you have any hints of tips of general comments you could give me i would be very grateful indeed. So, erm, message me back if you want with anything that might help me (obviously you dont have to...) but if you do it would be a great help!!
Thanks loads,
zas51zas -
AN EROTIC PIECE
An erotic piece submitted in the columns of peace.
the poet had a commanding control over words and their proper usage. it smells scent
"You have just commanded all the segments of my body"
a total surrender to the love is evident -
This definitely was passionate. I thought this was such a great description of being completely captivated by someone, or overwhelmed by your attraction. Like rhondasail, I thought the hey was a wonderful choice. It made this conversational and personal. Thanks for the read and good luck in the contest.
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I am hypnotized...
I appreciate the 'hey' at the beginning and end of this write...it is as if you are holding the face of your beloved in your hands as you speak to her...and I adore that you included Nizar Qabbani's "Letter From Under the Sea" as the song of inspiration, it is one of my favorite love poems...Well done, Poet. You are a master of description of 'this nature', as you say...Peace, Rhonda
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Just a wonderful piece, Prabhu -
it is sensual and written in the
style I now think of as, "Prabhu Poetry."
You are subtle, but oh, do your words
ring...
Love, Lane
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I really liked this one for its simple beauty.
Favorite stanza:
"they are suspecting the luminaries of your stunning splendor which prevails in you when you are Unclothed for me"
I am not sure about the "hey" in the poem. Although, if you say this often than it is apart of your character and should go in.
Great Write! I loved it.
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Such a sexy write...
Such a sexy write; "the sugar of your lips..." is a wonderful title - it gets the juices of one's imagination flowing ever so sweetly; the phrase "when you are unclothed for me" is a better substitution for the word "naked"; nicely done. --Joe
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splendid
just splendid :-) can't say anything more... keep up...
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I am in love with the title of your poem for a start, its amazing and draws in the audience you are aiming for! well done! The whole piece is a pleasure to read. nicely worked out! Lexy xx
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This is absolutely breathtaking, my friend! Your words always leaves the reader in awe and in complete beauty and to look forward to your next piece....Keep up the great work! Smiles, Terry
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" suspecting the luminaries of your stunning splendor which prevails in you when you are unclothed for me"
that is a stunning line...truly stunning.
The "hey" sounds so sweet and lonely at the begining at the end. Very nice idea.
Beautiful poem here...nice piece! Thanks for entering
lizz
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