[i am feeling awash in sacrilege
your vagrant fragrant skin
your hair like lace
i am trapped in
your heart-shaped box
your lips and your words
you are life]
a quiet breath fails to compete with the winds of hours that are carried through the ages and across the earth they crumble empires and stop the hordes of madness there is little to do in the face of comfort when i feel as though i can bare my heart and put it to the grindstone there is truth reality is awakened and existence is paramount and life once again has meaning
[the late night
early morning
conversations heal and
the back seat of the car
the faux leather
the heated sweaty skin
is what life is all about]
the winds of hours fail to compete with the brush of eternity in the hourafterhour and the nightafternight there is a forward and backward learning and living when everything is connected we feel holistically intertwined but there can be no other way when every moment bathes in the perfection of permanence
[i am feeling awash in the slipstream
your every word is the catharsis in
the wilderness brought on by wild
brushfire]
Author notes
'Fragrant skin and hair like lace' from "Lovers in a Dangerous Time" by the Barenaked Ladies. 'Trapped in your heartshaped box' from "Heartshaped Box" by Nirvana.
If your name is Cody Max Becker, this is to you.
I'm really proud of this one because it's a really nice break from what I really like, as well as being a fresh take at love poetry.
*forty-two*
A contest entry
- Hopelessy Romantic Guys by Ice queen 17.
300 points, ended April 5, 2007, 40 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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Love the images here. Such powerful words, put in such a powerful manner.
My only suggestion would be to perhaps space it out more. It seems a little clumped together for my liking.
Thanks for entering!
DancingRed.
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I just got around to reading this... damn. You've got a hell of a piece here kid. I'm speechless.
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But know that I love it, even if I'm too stunned to tell you why/how much right now. You are amazing. Remember that.
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Well thanks! I really appreciate that.
It's funny how this was a fifteen-day-drama for me. Like..the romantic feelings attached to it are altogether over. Whether I still have them or not is irrelevant. We're friends and nothing more. I still mean a lot of what I say in this poem, but it's no longer a love poem. -
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I think it's nice when it can work out like that. It's a sign of initial stability. Though it is a bit odd that it ended so fast, you got a friend and a damn good poem from it!
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"wow"
"Wow"--that was the first thing that came out of my mouth when I read this.
I love the form. The bracketed pieces of poetry and the stream of consciousness writing really adds dimension to this piece. It makes it seem more real, in a way. Real in the way that this is here and now, this is feeling, this is more than some myth read in a book or some fictional story on the bestsellers list in the paper. It just adds something to it that makes it seem vivid. Since you dedicated it to someone, my guess is that it is real (not that I've noticed Codys name in your bulletins or anything..=P)
This brings a "love poem" to a whole new level. There isnt a declaration of love, but the feelings of intense connection and romantic intent is clear. I like how you can do that without making it cliche--this is fresh, it's not some rhyming lullaby about the stars in his eyes or something like that, it's much more. It's more passionate, so when you brought in the image of fire in the end, it just seemed to fit so, so well.
My favorite part is the stream oc consciousness. I love the whole thing, but because it's unique and different and really poeticly written, it just has this captivating essence to it. I love the words you use, they are definately the "right" words and not the "nearly right" ones. It makes it feel finished, complete. There isnt a single thing you could do to make this better; it feels whole.
Incredible job, Ross. I'm glad you found some positive inspiration =) Good luck with it!
~blessings~
~rora
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Oh man, Rora, you're one of the few people keeping me writing. Without your commentary on my work, I'm not sure it would feel as...well, right.
This is very real. Moreso than almost any poetry I've written in the past. It felt so good to write a poem so genuinely brought about by my own emotions, instead of writing about someone else (the cameraman, the ephebe), or some abstract thing.
I've been experimenting with stream of consciousness a little bit here and there; I'm so glad you like it! I'll have to let you see the rest of it sometime.
I only have one little qualm with this piece, and that's the word sacrilege. I'm not sure it's quite the word I was looking for; he and I did something completely against our morals, anything we would ever have expected to do on a first date, and yet we're both perfectly okay with it. I was trying to express that feeling, and I don't feel like sacrilege is the right word to do that with. What do you think?
<3<3<3<3<3timesinfinity -
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I guess when I read the word "sacrilege", I thought of it as temptation, something alluring, but not necessarily "sinful". Are you worried that some people may see it that way? I'm not a religious person really, so I may not interpret it like others. I can definately see why it's a little finicky for you, though. Hmm. I know by "sacrilege" I dont think you mean anything religious by it, but I know it can be a religious term. I think its a good word that some could misinterpret...but isnt that what poetry is all about? lol.
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Well yeah, that's exactly my concern. The misinterpretation worries me. But Cody won't take it religiously, and that's what really matters.
<3 Thanks!
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