Lowly victory,
Highlighted in the gentle hues of green
And black,
Strung along my veins like
Rebellion;
Self indulgence lost upon
Your monochrome rooms of
White.
Fire,
Lost within the burning ice
And daggers,
Left by traitorous gasps;
Cry
"I cannot breathe this out again,"
As crimson races
Out to meet the bleach
And ammonia
Beneath my palms.
But as I lay there lying,
I remember laying hands upon a belly
Filled with all pandora left behind,
The look in eyes
Too young to understand
The pain
Of self sacrifice,
And the way she looked into my eyes
To say
"I'll be with her again."
And so I rise once more to
race against the tide,
And shy away from doubt
Like rotting meat,
My hackles rising up to meet
Your authority,
And with the satisfying crunch
Of tearing cartilage,
And lives,
The irreverent flesh tears away,
Leaving nothing left to sheild my angry blood:
I will not fail.
Author notes
This is about another experience of mine, and a journey to find strength when there was nothing left.
please tell me how it makes you feel
S2
The Queen
option 1!
A contest entry
- Raven Qualifier - Dark: Anger, Angst and Goth by Raven Contest.
450 points, ended August 1, 2007, 124 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Ahhh.....
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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~Awesome~
I can truely say that you wrote with such creative-expression here! I really liked reading it the whole time through...and pondering the bold integrity sewn between the lines here. My favorite stanza/part was the last: [And so I rise once more to race against the tide, and shy away from doubt like rotting meat, my hackles rising up to meet your authority, and with the satisfying crunch of tearing cartilage, and lives, the irrelevant flesh tears away, leaving nothing left to sheild my angry blood....I will not fail.] spectacular.
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And lives,
The irreverent flesh tears away,
Leaving nothing left to sheild my angry blood:
I will not fail.
Well I love your peculiarity of the inner reaction about the situation you have described and made me to shiver with the instances and the reactions of yours..It is really very painful and very deep write to explain with...The structure and the word choice here is very effective and depicting the depth of the subject and the concept time and time again...The thought here is strongly representing your heart...Indeed a great work here...
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The image I received from this piece of work is one of an intense struggle, both physically and emotionally, through ill health and I think that struggle has been going on for a long time. It appeared to me as if there is a feeling of resignation in this poem, as if the person knows that treatment will take place over a long period so they have to accept that its going to happen, but they’re not sure that the treatment is worth the pain of going through it, hence the emotional struggle. However there is an element of defiance at the end which shows the persons strength of character which makes for a good conclusion to the poem. There is one word that needs correcting in the penultimate line, “sheild” should be shield.
Thank you for entering the Raven Contest 2007 and good luck with your entry! Your work may also be viewed by other Raven judges.
Northern Raven
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Heh... guess two for the price of one this week.
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"Filled with all pandora left behind," is my favorite reference in this piece. Not just because of how accessable it is, but also because of the connection you have drawn.. the use of the reference to describe an anticipated birth is a non-non-sequitor, artfully executed.
Overall, I have to say that I enjoyed the energetic defiance posted with such great energy in the passages. Thanks for a worthwhile promote.
~Das
P.S. - Check out the 2007 Raven Contest, currently running on Allpoetry.
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Thanks!
And I will check out that contest! From what I have briefly looked through it definently looks more than worthwhile! Thanks again!
S2
The Queen
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It makes me want to bench a bus, and I'll tell you why...
Honestly Alex, this poem doesn't even do justice to how strong a person you are. After hearing all about your life and how you met Dani and all the shit you've gone through, I feel honored just to know you. The emotion equivilant of what you have gone through would be the physical equilivant of bench-pressing a bus full of plus-size men. (The corrolation between the two may be a bit of a stretch, and an odd one at that, but it's the best I can manage right now.)
Other than that, I don't know shit about poetry at the moment, so I'm in no position to comment on the excellence of the poem itself. But it made me want to attempt to bench-press a bus. Usually, only stupid ideas from Victor make me want to do that.
Peace and Love, homesickle.
~Pudge
P.S> That's kinda my new nickname. I guess. Read Looking For Alaska. You'll understand.
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It might be because it is alliterative, or maybe just because it fits so well, but easily my favorite lines in this piece are:
"But as I lay there lying,
I remember laying hands upon a belly
Filled with all pandora left behind,"
The part that isn't alliterative, the reference to pandora following the half-reference to pregnancy is a piece of very inspired writing. I love it when I can isolate excellence in at least one part of a piece.
Best wishes in your future works.
~Das -
Whoa... are you okay?
This is amazing by the way... very powerful!! -
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HAHA! yeah, im more or less ok...
This goes back to Philly, and the treatment program I underwent there! I find that Im just now able to write about my experiences ther now...
"Faith: is about losing Kayzelee while I was there.
And "Hope" was inspired by all of my pregnant friends there!
Its all relative !
I miss you!
S2
Alex!
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