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i am tired,
exhaustion leaking around the edges of
these butterfly-tipped windows,
colors draining into gray pools splattering across the ground.
i am wilting,
panting, groping the air for a bit of oxygen (or something)
only to inhale ashes and empty moonlight,
my face purpling along with my bones.
how is it that these parallel thoughts run in circles,
bruising the eye sockets as they go?
abrasions leaf through my flesh--
ripping the words into individual letters and lines.
i am tired,
soft in my long sleeves and saliva and
balled on the floor after rising one too many times,
just to come back down as glimmershitsparkles,
dust-rolled:
just another little girl with a few crocodile tears
x
Author notes
just blah.emo.crap.etcetera, but I still want to know what you think :]
3/28/07-- I can't express how much everyone's comments on this have meant to me. It helps. A lot
3/30- I've gotten some mixed feedback on "glimmershitsparkles," if someone would mind being a little specific about it, it'd be greatly appreciated.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 33 of 33
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Sweet :)
great poem
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This is beautiful. I especially love the lines : "how is it that these parallel thoughts run in circles" and "exhaustion leaking around the edges of these butterfly-tipped windows". They inspire such great emotions...Great job!
Blessed be...
Lizzy
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amazing imagery through word usage. i'm impressed by this poem. it's freakin' good. i really don't know what to say. it is one i can relate to on an eerie level. it brought tears to my eyes. felt it in my throat, hard to swallow. wow. i haven't read a poem that envoked this kind of physical response from me in a long time. fantastic.
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i am tired,
soft in my long sleeves and saliva and
balled on the floor after rising one to many times,
i love this part...it is as tough i'm saying it for myself!..relating to my experience, very emotional write, and i do understand how does that feel when everything is all crammed up inside the head and it feels like bursting but there's just too many holes of it breaking out...
chill...take a good nights' rest, sleep over it and yeah, start the coming days with full excitement for u don't know what is ahead of u nor what surprises awaits u...
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Really liked it! Very often I feel what I think your expressing. I think that the imagery of one so worn and exhausted and with nothing more to give, however having those who still want to take more...... It was great.
Found this easy to relate to.
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I think you are trying to use form to transcend the relative ordinariness of the actual text in this piece. I can give you credit there, as you are experimenting in the dissemination of ideas... a worthwhile enterprise.
I can say one other positive thing; you understand how blasè the sentiment really is, and that comes across in your work.
If I could offer one piece of advice it would be to approach this subject from a different angle. Apply a lateral thinking process and see where you come out in the end. That, plus your use of form should add up to a piece that exponentially more worthwhile.
Best wishes in your future works.
~Das -
I absolutely love "how is it that these parallel thoughts run in circles, bruising the eye sockets as they go?"-so stunning the imagery here. I can make a couple of small suggestions:
"abrasions leaf through my flesh" to "abrasions skip through my flesh" (as the imagery you use seems to be a lesson in tiny touches that wound deeply and "leaf" just doesn't do it for me as well as the other verbage you have chosen)
and of course the obvious: capitalize the i's...
But really, this one flys at you with nails extended but the raking is one unfelt by the skin and kept by the heart. Blue
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The lowercase "i"s are a just a personal style thing- I do see what you mean about "leaf," though; I'll change it. :]
Thank you!
.:Marie:. -
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Marie, you are very welcome....
I thought that made have been the case with the lower I's.
We all need to add personal touches...
I like to capitalize certain words to give them more power or ones I feel relate to magic or the Elements in some way.
I have been questioned on that also. So glad you take the time to defend these stylings and not change them for someone else...so as to lose your signatures! Blue
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I liked the flow (other than the glimmershitsparkles which seemes a bit out of place)but it isn't really my kind of poetry
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Oh so pretty. Keep it up.
xoxo,
Anni -
Not sure what you mean by this "just to come back down as glimmershitsparkles" but the rest of the poem is full of energy and vivid images that stick in your mind. well done.
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this was just gawjus. i loved this part
i am tired,
exhaustion leaking around the edges of
these butterfly-tipped windows,
colors draining into gray pools splattering across the ground.
i am wilting,
panting, groping the air for a bit of oxygen (or something)
only to inhale ashes and empty moonlight,
my face purpling along with my bones.
amazing -
Well I'm sorry but it did nothing for me.
God bless -
Excellent
Thought it was very good at describing the emotion/inability and conjuring up that within you with the metaphors. The imagery worked really well, and the metaphors conveyed their points to really create a more universal undestanding, an impressive feat. being a mathematican, I have a problem with 'parralell thoughts' running in circles, and nothing is really conjured up with that, sounds a little cliche, im not sure if that's intentional. Other than that, very excellent, thumbs up.
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This is a really good piece I really enjoyed it very much. It was very well written. Thank you for sharing this with us.
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Glimmershitsparkles...love it..what an imagination..I know tired..and this fits well...I find a bit of someone tired of more then just being tired...well done..thanks for sharing
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this is really good. the imagry is the best and well thought out. you did a really wonderful job. the use of words that you chose were used well... not to big and overwhelming but nice and understanding so that people will actually want to read the poem. "ripping the words into individual letters and line." very wonderful. keep up the very good work.--- i hope to see more from you
---je -
this is really good. the imagry is the best and well thought out. you did a really wonderful job. the use of words that you chose were used well... not to big and overwhelming but nice and understanding so that people will actually want to read the poem. "ripping the words into individual letters and line." very wonderful. keep up the very good work.--- i hope to see more from you
---je -
lots of imagery... a bit strange but there is nothing wrong with that....
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I loved this . . . hard hitting imagery that speaks to what many of us experience . . . crap? I think not, your poetic voice shows much talent, Marie . . . so keep the fluidity of your pen flowing . . .
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thank you so much- it means a lot
.:Marie:.
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wow that is a very interesting poem. it is really well written and you use some out of the ordinary symbolism but it all ties together. it iswell done
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Excellent
This piece of writting is filled with so
much raw emotions I love every single line
in this powerfully real and true piece of
wwritting. so vivid with the imagery thank
you for such a Awesome read.
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Thank you so much!
.:Marie:.
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I like that
i like that
i like that
ALOTTT.
<33 -
I am sure many people can relate to this poem,I know I can, it flows really well, I can feel the emotions in this poem it is really good!!!!!well done
exhaustion leaking around the edges of
these butterfly-tipped windows, colors draining into gray pools splattering across the ground. i am wilting,panting, groping the air for a bit of oxygen (or something) only to inhale ashes and empty moonlight, my face purpling along with my bones.
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I really like the last stanza!
"balled on the floor after rising one to many times,
just to come back down as glimmershitsparkles,
dust-rolled,
and just another little girl with a few crocodile tears"
Maybe your tiered, you still did a good job writing! It has feelings to it! -
wow! so much emotion flowing throughout this entire piece. Great job in really getting across to the reader a real sense of desperation. I wish for you nothing but the best. Keep your chin up! thanks for sharing. peace and light always in all ways, kp
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this is how i feel during an anxiety attack
very creative, powerful emotion. and the imagery really grabs the reader, in my opinion at least. a magnificent write.
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you can get down with the entire length of the line. everything has a beginning and an end?
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I have no idea what you just tried to say little bro
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if you are going to indent all these different lengths in, line length becomes an issue. just visual dynamics of the poem. but on second look i maybe see a pattern?
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