In the dark
Walking with the arch
Reaper , Him wanting to take me deeper
In hell
To imprison me in a cell
To never let me atone
For the sins I have done
To never let me see the sun
And the only one
That can help is you
The one who
Uses his pens to fight
And bring to dens all fright
The one who brightens up the night
The one who is my master
Who saved me from my big disaster
And all I can give him is praise
At least this is the first phase
To show my love for him in case
That he doesn't trust that I'm his
And when his eyes start to give out spark
All I can say is :
"Happy birthday Master , RAVEN DARK !! "
Author notes
Please Read this poem as RAP .. or else it wouldn't be nice
Yeah !! SO .. do you like IT ?!
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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I like it
Good Writing
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This part
In the dark
Walking with the arch
Reaper , Him wanting to take me deeper
In hell
To imprison me in a cell
To never let me atone
For the sins I have done
To never let me see the sun
And the only one
That can help is you
The one who --
Is fantastic...realy a work of art, and could be put to music just like that.
Y'see.. the reason behind its magnifecince is it's unstoppable flow, its flawless structure, smoothly steeping down and up, short and wide, with no abomination found....truly superb..
The second part though, is still needing for a modifying:
- And bring to dens all fright -- is too (mobtazala), and requires a rephrase, if you still wish to keep a rhyme.
- The one who is my master ( you know my opinion, and please change that title)
Other than that, some words are added when they could be best chopped out for example:
Who saved me from disaster,
all I give is praise
to him who shapes a phrase
of love.
And just in case he
doesn't know i'm his
his eyes will start to spark..
Good day dear Raven Dark..??
Always remember that Rap binds beats to its structure and to its lines, so you'll have to bend metre and rhyme a little bit in this delightful twist which I can see clearly that you'd excel at (judging from your outstanding first paragraph)..
One more thing..
In future Rap songs (ISA)..
try to make them longer, challenge yourself with this, and plan a rather complicated idea, or a dramatic story..
Rap is all about life, give that ot, and you'll have a Rap song.
Be well, Lad of the pen.
RD -
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Well ..
I did write another rap poem called "LET'S PARTY" and it's a cool one but it is still a blue print and i didn't edit it or revise it yet , however it was kinda short and when i read ur comment i decided to make it longer , anyway .. ok ya man i won't call u master from now on and i would change the title and some parts later .. c ya
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very good
i dont listen to rap but with lyrics like these i might have to eat my words.i substituted waiting for wanting in line three.if you were to use an aggresive beat this wolud make it,um how do you say it....more of a sense of doom thereby makeing it seam like raven is a bigger hero to you (from what i got you do look up to him as a gero indeed)these are just a few thought comeing from my head though and you might not even take heed of them.
H. -
this poem reminds me of the master blaster super soaker squirt gun. for some reason.
to show my love for him in case
that he doesn't trust that i'm his
i liked those lines, that seems to encapsulate love more then just saying "i'm his forever and alway's" or something cliche like that. -
a very interesting piece....i too am noones master ha. Tis was a great read, well detailed. Thanks for sharing best wishes to you dear one.
Vsutton -
*claaaaaaps*
*Applaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaause*..
I am no one's master my friend and lad...
You're your own.
This is a great Rap-poem, and I am sure it would do a nice tone of beats once sung by a talent like yours.
I loved the beginning, showed true maturation and elegant choice of words..
It's indeed another step for your improvement, (one large step if you ask me).
Yours,
Rami. (El 3agooz).
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Thank Ya Man ..
Thanks ya man .. i knew u would love it , and hey , don't be sad , u r not that old u no .. anyway there is another poem before this one i wanted u to see , ok man HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! -
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I will
You be well as well..
(we wil ya wil)..h3h3..
RD.
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i love it great joc Raven Dark
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