looking into my heart
you came into my life
you made me feel so free
loving me so tender
open me, take the key
looking into my heart
the day that you found me
it will last forever
you only make me smile
you’re my heart’s endeavor
looking into my heart
you taught me how to love
the wonder of your touch
loving and so tender
I need your love so much
looking into my heart
watching it beat for you
drifting, I close my eyes
feeling your loving arms
beneath the starlit skies
Author notes
Monchielle
A Monchielle is a poem in a new style created by Jim Tage Henriksen . The rules are as follows: first line repeats in each stanza, it consist four stanzas in total, each stanza consists of five lines, each line consists of six syllables, and lines three and five rhyme.
The pattern is "Abcdc Aefgf Ahiji Aklml".
In a list
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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Hmm. . .what to say. . . This is a good example of the form and it's well done. Reads somewhat like free verse but not. And so sweet.
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First impression: Sweet and tender poem. Now for the extended comment:
Good points:
- The poem has a sweet, serene feel to it that suits the subject matter
- You work well within the Monchielle form
- It is entirely isosyllabic and has great flow as a result.
Bad points:
- The last stanza has a lot of -ing words. Four in merely five lines. It would be stronger if you used stronger verbs, for example: Looking into my heart, I watch it beat for you.
- Here and there it seems like loose flards of feeling. There could be some more coherence, especially in the third stanza. I'm reluctant to make suggestions, but the last stanza seems to have the coherence I'm referring to.
- The poem would be stronger if it would be 'You looked into my heart' or 'You look into my heart'. In the last stanza it appears like 'I' is the subject of looking, however. Perhaps it could be rephrased so that it is 'you'.
If this were my poem I would:
- Find a way to get rid of the many -ing words.
- Change a few lines to increase coherence.
- Use capitals and punctuation, but that's a matter of taste.
Final words:
This was a lovely read. -
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What a wonderful critique... so refreshing to have a real poet read my work. Thank you.
Love,
Amera
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Perfect
poem and perfect Monchielle, Amera! Absolutely stunning! You have mastered the form, and written a wonderful love poem here. Could hardly have written it better myself, to tell the truth. I wondered which of my poems you read to be inspired to use the form, and/or write this poem. You have three full applauses from me, with a standing ovation!
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Never mind your beauty with style. You have penned beauty for a loved one, no matter the form. This is awe inspiring and so loving.
Deep and tender, soft flow makes it feel as if you are softly caressing that love as you read it.
Beauty in it's self.
Thank you for always writing with such love and flare.
A pleasure!
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New style i like, but im illiterate when it comes to style. This is really good, i like it a lot.
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Amera, a wonder Monchielle you have given us all to enjoy. Your writes are always a pleasure to read. I enjoyed this as I enjoy them all. Thank you for sharing this one.
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Wow that was a lovely poem, written so beautifuly, I never heard of seen this sytl before but you seem to really know your stlyes. It a very interestign style. Nice work.
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This was stunning..pure perfection..Not even going to mention the style..you never cease to amaze me with your knowledge of those.
This was done with such love, that the reader could feel almost immediately. The picture is awesome.
Soulful Woman
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Amera, This is a lovely monchielle that you have penned and shared with all of us. Love flowing softly from the page to my heart. The rhythm and rhyme are perfect and I floated on air as I read each line. It was wonderful from the start to the very last word. I am very happy that you enjoyed the form which my AP brother created. They are a wonderful form. Love and God bless, Joyce
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Nicely written. It is the epitome of a modern love poem, complete with heart, love, and starlit skies. Three bunnies for this!!! You may want to invest in a crosscut saw before your next date. Jus sayin.
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How touchingly tender, especially for whom it is written for
People who love you do not just ‘happen’ in your life but
Are ‘purposeful’ and required for one’s proper heart beat
Many folks, even adults, still equate lust with love, yet
When one learns to distinguish one’s wants, from one’s needs,
True love falls into place in one’s life.
And, if one is lucky, two can appear overlapping in time and space
Which is fine as god gave no one a “Quota’ on how many
One could truly Love and Adore at one time.
Besides, if God grants one the opportunity to have two loves,
“Who” are #WE# to say ‘no’?
dad
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