In the middle of a lake
There's this single tree
Palm tree above me
A single large flower
On a long stem attatched to it.
And I'm just lying down
On the water on my back.
In the lake
And usually I just sink down
And stare at the flower opening
But this time
The lake began to drain
I sunk down with it
The single palm tree whithered
The flower, fell off the tree
Falling down toward me
Everything around me turned darkblue
Everything around me turned light red
Right before it touched me
The water came back over me
And everything returned to normal
Author notes
it may be about near death and sound dark, but when i think about that day i put a huge smile on my face because i was so peaceful
I had an experimental surgery(that my parents didn't know about) so I also had my wisdom teeth taken out at the same time, same place. And I died under the knife 2x in the 3 hour period. One of the times was almost perminate.
But I didn't die, dispite them giving me laughing gas rather than sleeping gas, and some idiot cut open my stomach rather than my lungs(i over heard the head doctor taking over at that point to sew me shut when his apprentice made that stupid mistake)
The imagry is what i see at my finest, when i am Ko'd
What you read, is what was going on in my mind when I was dying.
If you know of a way to make this more poetic, please don't hesitate to tell me.
In a list
A contest entry
- Calling all Poets for Poetry #2 (minamal pre-writes allowed) by Dark Whispers.
315 points, ended March 29, 2007, 10 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Come and See by celestial.
300 points, ended May 20, 2007, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - ALMOST Anything and Everything! Win Memberships! by kiwikrazi37.
369 points, ended August 14, 2007, 57 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - WRITE! by xorandomxo.
800 points, ended December 16, 2007, 20 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Insanity Is Sweet by Audie-Is-Healed.
800 points, ended February 6, 2008, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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Right before it touched me
The water came back over me
And everything returned to normal
so deep and feelingly
for this si something -
woah thats an awesome poem, I loved the imagery in this and it was an awesome write,
my favorite part would have to be:
But this time
The lake began to drain
I sunk down with it
The single palm tree whithered
The flower, fell off the tree
Falling down toward me
Everything around me turned darkblue
Everything around me turned light red
Right before it touched me
The water came back over me
And everything returned to normal
wow awesome, wasnt it scary to almost die 2x though?
but yea awesome write,
keep writing
~Ashley~<3 -
Isn't it great when life events inspire a poem? It all starts with an emotion that you can't start thinking about, so you write. I think you could have tried a more poetic form, and "darkblue" is actually two words, but great job. It was great.
~Anne
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It was more of you telling a story than writing a poem , I believe you cn turn it into a poem.Hope theres no permanant damage from that idiots mistake.
Good luck in the contest. -
i think it was lovely
you could use a few more descriptive words and make it more of a vivid scene instead of the breif flashes of imagery that i got in my head.
other that that it was a lovely poem and i shall look foreward to see if and what you do with it. send me a copy?
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oh wow. one of your best yet. the beginning was beautiful, and then it took that horrific turn.
beautiful write.
-
The story behind this piece is rather 'heavy' I mean, being given the wrong gas is bad enough, never mind having the wrong bit experimented on. Thats why I don't trust hospitals.
When I had (technically) major surgery on my mouth, I saw these really strange pictures in my head too. (I was chased by a giant eye) I don't think there is a way to make this any more poetic. It's amazing the way it is now. The way this surreal 'dream' is worded is, in my opinion, perfect.
really well done and I hope you're ok now.
luvvs
xxx
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