In Basilisks' Temple
scavangers hold rituals
propaganda and death
praying to plastic Gods
Blood oozes from walls
make-believe artwork
Images of a perfect society
of one-race ideas
Blasphemic existence brings sacrifice
and slaughter
Lambs herded into concentration catacombs
after long bedlam marches
Gassed
in purgatorial transgressions
Thrown into coffins of
godless damnation
Lying naked,
stripped of dreams
Drenched in darkness
Poisoned with lies
The Bible said 2+2=5
when read backwards
by the hologram priest
Maggots crawl over walls
stained in
karma
superstitions
Trying to escape
hells
death chambers
Rancid flesh burns
sermons of fire swallow
the world in distorted
resurrection
Killers preach blitzkrieg lies
Sheep slaughtered
by tyrants
wearing robes
of sacrilege and nightmares
Lying
crucified
in surrows temple
Bodies tossed in gallows
below floorboards
with dug trenches of catastrophe
Furnaces burning dormant prayers
Psalms and alms, nomads waiting for
redemption
and rapture
in the broken temple
yet lie
scattered refugees
in feeble hopes of salvation
Rotting prayers
Faith lost
as if it never mattered
Alas the fire rises
in macabre
revelations
and
there is
nothing
Author notes
Option 5 for the contest by Snow White Queen.
FizzyPop round 3: So for this round we had to select a nation and choose a specific cultural aspect from that nation. The cultural aspect had to be metaphorical for something deeper. I chose Israel and used religion as my form of culture. I used religion to describe the holocaust, which I used to describe internal struggle, since the piece had to be personal as well. The metaphor of religion is used to describe internal struggle, while also comparing religious practices and farces to the Holocaust.
A contest entry
- Give Me Your Personal Best #5 (Prewrites Allowed) by aGent Lemon.
360 points, ended April 2, 2007, 31 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - whatever the fuck you want III by Nam.
345 points, ended March 29, 2007, 23 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - In the Lake of Darkened Despair and Sorrowful Hate by crystallynnbradford.
300 points, ended March 29, 2007, 10 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Choices by Beating.
450 points, ended March 30, 2007, 31 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - a contest for poets with thick skin. by duke of balabamas.
300 points, ended April 14, 2007, 24 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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ive read this piece a couple of times now, and i feel that i have a bit of a grasp on it.
i particularly liked the length of the piece. i thought it would be distracting and redundant, but it really needed a lot of what you said.
in terms of the form you used, theres nothing really to comment on. its broken up into the seperate messages and images and done effectively. it kind of teetered out at the end, and i know you were trying to hit the point in hard, but it ended up sounding like a lot of stuff thats out there.
images were brooding and accusatory, leaving the audience embraced in your idea. the images really flowed well in general, and didnt stray too far out into the abstract.
the weakness of the piece lies in the fact that it is a tedious read. its effective, and well-executed, but it really needed something powerful to keep the reader's attention.
overall the piece demostrated thorough and complete analysis and fairly well refined instruments of language, but suffers a 70/100 because it slips back and forth between being a gripping and a demanding one.
DS
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Wow
this was really good. Thanks for entering and good luck in the contest -
I liked it up to the 5th part then after that it just seemed to drivel on and on about things that seemed to be uninteresting the scheme of the piece. It seemed a tad trying. But before the 5th part, I liked it. Liked where it was going, and wished it would delve more into the depths of that.
-Nam -
60
corrected score above.
what hurt your score a lot was the personal level being left out, as that was 15 of the hundred points. -
58
When reading this, I had a thought that seemed a bit true as this went along. I felt that a lot of what you wrote was spoon fed as opposed to progressive? Do you understand what I mean by that? I wasn't exactly taken anywhere, but just told something. I would have liked a little bit of a punch to that.
This isn't my favorite work by you. I think you did the right thing as far as stanzas are concerned, and for the most part your placing. In the end, I didn't see the personal quality that I had wanted with this.
That said, I still wish you luck in the judging of this round.
J -
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Thank you
Tragically...I have so far received the lowest score, and probably will have the lowest score if you are not yet finished reading.
That means, I will probably be going home.
So, thank you for a wonderful contest. -
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There's still plenty of time. I have more than half of the entries left, and thus far your team may even be winning. I'm not sure yet.
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Well done...very discriptive, with alot of imagination...sad...but good...thanks for sharing
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This is excellent, I have read your revisions as you have done them - read the first one as well. This has a more compact feel, it is concise while still punching the reader in the stomach.
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Good
Very nice read and very dark write. Good poem. Good luck in the contest.
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damn lol wow you have blown me away lol keep penning
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Stunning
This is a beautiful poem, well constucted and wonderfully flowing. A really nice write. I found the lines "Gassed in purgatorial salvation...Lying naked, stripped of dreams...Drenched in darkness" particularly captivating, for some reason their balance really stood out to me. Caesura is a wonderful thing, and you've used it to magnificent effect. Well done.
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I think this one is much better than the last. I'm in class, so I can't critique.
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"The Bible said 2+2=5
when read backwards by
the hologram priest. . ." What does that mean?
Amazing poem, by the way. The first in this contest that I found I actually wanted to read. This was brilliant.
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