Your spirit is sliding down a slope that gets longer
With each passing second. This feeling gets stronger
As I follow something I long ago lost,
Oh how I wish that our paths never crossed!
If I'd never loved you, would we still be friends?
Squabbling over our games of pretend
Gives no satisfaction. Contentment to me
Is something far off, drifting, unfettered, free
So I raise my net through the dead, stifled air,
The wind is tangling its fingers in my hair,
But happiness and love are far too far,
Grinning with pity from suspended stars
And what is omitted and should be there still shocks and appals,
Remember when I said "You are my sweetest downfall"?
Your heart now to me is just out of reach,
When once I stuck to it: a relentless leech
That now gets pulled off by the force of your flight,
And curls up, defiant of its once total might.
If I'd never kissed you, would we still acquaint
Each simple glance with flutterings faint
And foolish in that they sought a conclusion
In something that was not fact but allusion
To a greater love that we still have not found,
So now that you traverse a slope, not flat ground
I know I'll always regret the lost chance
I had for more than a futile romance,
And what was omitted and belonged there still shocks and appals,
Remember when I said "You are my sweetest downfall"?
Author notes
Based on "Samson" by Regina Spektor... contains the line "You are my sweetest downfall" from that song.
A contest entry
- Regina and a Story by bachelorette.
525 points, ended March 25, 2007, 5 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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thank you.
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The main reason why I always say "no rhyming couplets" in my contest rules is so that there is a less likely chance I will encounter inversion and an annoying sing-song rhythm in the entries. I didn't find the sing-song rhythm in your poem. You actually avoided rhythm rather well, which took the emphasis OFF of the rhyming couplets. So, except for "flutterings faint" in line 20, you did rather well with the rhyming couplets and it doesn't bother me. Your rhymes are also not always exact, which I always like.
The line you use from "Samson" should be just one line in YOUR poem. But, I let another entrant slide on that, so I'll let you as well.
Actually, the only thing I didn't like about your poem (except the inversion in line 20) is the use of the line from "Samson" (oh, and the "far too far" part). I was expecting someone to pick "you are my greatest downfall," and hoping they wouldn't. It's not so much the line, but how you place "Remember when I said" in front of it. There's probably a better way to include the line. Although, when this contest is over, you might just think about replacing it with your own words. Anyway, "Remember when I blah blah blah" is really trite, very overused.
So, other than those two (well... three) things, I really like this poem. I would be practically copying the entire piece by listing lines and bits I thought were great. Especially lines: 8, 10, 12, 13, 16, 18. I also like the repetition of lines 18 and 14. I kind of got the sense that there was a little bit of "Fidelity" in here, as well with the "If I'd never..." phrases. Very sneaky of you.
It can stay.
-K
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