After the Terrible Wars,
God was dead:
driven through the dirt
with an ashen stake
Now the people are borne
to leisure;
the children crow with the booty that they stole,
against the incoming don of invisible hate
and the distance 'cross the plains was great.
Wild industries formed,
then re-formed,
amongst the mal-forming
of nuclear waste.
After the Terrible Wars,
Icons celebrate;
looting to the future through a suture,
and lining up to kiss the hands of Kate
sipping champagne through an open grate
denies the friction
in a bubbling sea,
toxic with the policy of folly;
the full story's inside.
After the Terrible Wars,
twisted bellies writhe
across madeevil landscapes,
dressed in nu-goth, and 50's be-bob.
Now the women can be free to take somebody!
Us and them, men,
we are one with the stars
we'll desecrate and rake
the hot-hot breeze.
After the Terrible Wars,
wrapped enemies in cellophane
threw away the key;
now we prance on their graves
This is what hell sounds like! A perfect 8
singing songs from another time,
doing dances reminicent of the Gays:
'ripped and torn'. Hiding sores
underneath lace bought from dog-food.
We did run with the pack, then
it's true. When we removed
the wolves from the door
and the butterflies from our hearts.
Lament a sad tune, and call it fate.
A contest entry
- Ghost towns, Gunfighters, Train robbers... by kidwithgun.
675 points, ended February 6, 2008, 10 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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i found this to be very interesting and i did enjoy reading it. it is a very well written poem, i totally understand the point of it and i love the style, however it's not exactly what i'm looking for in this contest.
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well. i reviewed this and my comp decided to kick me out. ill try it again, a bit abbreviated.
the piece's message kind of overshadows the artistic merit of it. i feel like im moving from message to mesage rather than stanza to stanza, which may not be a bad thing. it just depends on what you wanted from the piece.
the tie-ins to the "After the Terrible Wars," lines are loose and not entirely related to the message those lines give.
scattered unrelatable imagery like "underneath lace bought from dog-food." poses a bit of a distraction to the audience. the coherence of the piece suffers to a little poor wording and a few odd images.
the internal rhyme works quite well for the flow of the piece, but doesnt serve the poems primary purpose of pusing forward the message. again, internal rhyme was enjoyable but not necessarily the most effective tool.
another quick point: watch your tense usage. its a bit distracting to a harsher judge, not necessarily to your common reader, though.
overall, an adequately executed, effectively stylized piece that suffers for its unrelatable images and a bit too forceful message, putting it at about a 60/100.
DS
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thanks!
the 'loose coherence' is noted---I'd like to say at this point that I'm imagining an apocalyptic world here, where the cultural references have been mixed-up, and re-applied...incoherently.
I'd like you to give me an example on my tense usage---I was under the impression that it was good, if a bit all over the place! heheh.
I'll admit, I used dog food as currency here because it gave me an excuse to say 'we did run with the pack then', but I thought it could be buying lace from future dog food---killing your business associates type thing...
anyhoo, thanks for your critique, and the rating! I'll think some more about what you've said.
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