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cement is splitting in
unmapped directions
beneath my clichéd
footsteps
i prise open cracks
in primeval concrete
searching for reason
beyond truth
lip bitten, i step,
fingernails etching
skepticism into numb
crevasse walls
like fairy tale bread
crumbs just in case
i miss innocence
.
In a list
A contest entry
- Anything Contest by PrettyxoxPoison.
300 points, ended April 10, 2007, 43 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - ~It Doesn't Get Any Easier Than This~ by -Ink Artist-.
525 points, ended April 13, 2007, 56 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Critical comments are most welcome.
Comments
1 - 38 of 38
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WOW ..cool poem
wow dancing red...nice poem..this is good...keep writing!!!!!!...anyway i am happy i stopped by to read such a tremendous poem..keep this up yo..don't give up..this is COOL...i mean it when i say it..SUPER COOL!!!
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This was really good!
I don't have anything bad to say.
I expecially loved the frist part!!
Good luck in the contests!
peace to all ~flight
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awww this was a very powerfull write wow you are soo on my favorites hehe I really enjoyed reading this poem..You have talent my dear...anyways take care and keep writing cant wait to read more
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You'll go far in this life; in fact as far as you wish to go. As long as you keep asking your questions and searching for answers there'll be no limits to what you'll find!
As for your writing, wow!!! I'm incredibly impressed with the way you used the words like a master to transport the image in your mind to the reader.
Love, light & peace
Georgia
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Thanks a zillion.
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Wow This is a really good poem Great imagery here.
Thanks for your comment
Pozo
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Wow. A nice piece. Such powerful words in every stanza. I like how it's freeverse! Good job and keep writing!
Erin200 -
Every single stanza is packed with so much that just adds wonderfully to the poem... ounced with strength.. wonderful phrasing... Good Works!
~Ryan~
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"like fairy tale bread
crumbs just in case
i miss innocence"
wow..let me start by saying..I really like your AP name..im not sure why but it pounded from my tongue when I read it to myself..reminding me of some sort of heart with a mind of its own dancing under a street light with people gathered around watching it...but anyway....!
this poem altogether is ingenious.wordplay is the key to this poems greatness.the imagery has put my mind in headlock and taken my lunch money.I love it...its just...just great
"i prise open cracks
in primeval concrete"
wahoo...this line is...aggghhhh!!
brilliant..im so glad I have found another poet who's words I can come drown in because the rest of this poetry is mind numbing and lacking a lot of life..you would stand out in a room full of words and ideas..I can guarantee that.
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Striking and bold! You'd dare to step out of the bounds of cliche and bring a stark non-conformity of thought and action to this piece. Your imagery is compelling and brutally realistic. Brilliant work! Thanks for your entry!
~Lori -
Excellent!
Incredibly and very well written poem here all round. I really enjoyed how the portrayal of wording really oozes out at you through out this poem. I also enjoyed how the words just flow from line to line and the poem is just beautiful. excellent work all round and keep up the good work. Sincerely, Paul -
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Thanks ever so much!
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Very nice. I love the opening stanza of the poem. I especially like "cliched footsteps". That is a powerful image. It makes me think of the way we sometimes live life in a rut. Routine existences devoid of wonder, and passion. Yet in the midst of these routine travels there is something to notice just beneath our feet. Cracks in the pavement of our comfortable, numb, uneventful, notions of reality.
The search for "reason beyond truth" is insightful. The "why" that causes the "what". That concept resonates with me. To many who are introspective and contemplative by nature there is a desire to know. To know more of ourselves, of the universe, of God. A need to prise open the cracks and see what foundation or dark rich earth lies beneath the payment.
There is a sense of awakening in this poem. The awakening from a dull life (cliched footsteps) to an new awareness, a new inquire into the meaning of things. I love that. Yet, you also express the trepidation of this new experience ("lip bitten") as well as the caution taken ("like fairy tale bread just in case") in this new path.
I love the use of the word "prise" in the 4th line. It an unexpected word and as such fits perfectly to discribe the breaking from "cliched" ways of thinking. Perfect word choice.
The last stanza of the poem is particulary good. I love the way that it stands out, being only 3 lines as opposed to the other stanza's which are 4. This gives a visual cue to its importance. It also has the effect of leaving the reader with a since of expectation as if he/she were waiting for another line to complete the poem. That's perfect because that emotion or feeling relates so well to the thematic element of the poem. Namely, moving to some new period of discovery in your life, or standing on the edge of a revelation, waiting for it to unfold.
I also like the title of the poem. Titles are important to poems and I love it when they aren't cliched. Yours is not.
I don't see anyway to improve upon what you have here. Every word is chosen well. The poem flows and carries along the mind and heart of the reader without a hitch. There is mystery without obscurity. The imagery is vivid. The thoughts deep and meaningful. Great peice. Thanks for sharing it.
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Thanks ever so much for reading and leaving me with such an awesome comment. It means the world to me to know my poetry is appreciated.
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cement is splitting in
unmapped directions
beneath my clichéd
footsteps
and then
i prise open cracks
in primeval concrete
searching for reason
beyond truth
excellent piece this one! I find that it fits my taste really nicely...well done
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Thanks a million. Your comment and applause is much appreciated.
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People search for the meaning of life everywhere, nothing about it is ever cliched, it is real to each person who strives to find that extra something and the will to take an extra step when the world feels it is crumbling beneath their feet. I loved the final stanza for most they do gloss over things and miss the innocence, but a lot of us look just that little bit harder
I loved this.
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Thanks for your awesome comment and applause. Much appreciated.
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You have a lot going on within the lines here and you ssy it with the greatest of ease but without being cliche', I like that. You have a nice easy flow and rhythm going here that makes this even more of a pleasure to read. I also see a lot of depth in your words. They were well thought out.
♥ Touchof1der -
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Thanks ever so much for your comment.
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I don't think exactly as I would like to think, and I usually don't think the way everyone else is and with that I usually missinterpret things, like your poem. All i have to say is, if you step where your foot goes, and your hearts want you to. Theres nothing cliche about that.
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Thank you for your beautiful comment.
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The way you've put your words they flows together very nicely, and the imagery is painted so vivid. Very nicely done.
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Thanks for your lovely comment.
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"like fairy tale bread
crumbs just in case
i miss innocence"
I love this part. It really caught me, a perfect line to end on.
I really like the style and flow. The imagery is really good too.
I like the images of having to leave yourself directions back to your childhood. It really says something about how fragile innocence is. The message of your poem is really wonderful.
I really enjoyed the whole poem. I can't think of anything to tell you to change or improve on. Keep up the great work. -
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Thank you ever so much for leaving such a great comment.
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i almost think that you have more in this piece than you might realize ... sometimes when walking the streets of thought all that we have is the soft pressure of weight against pavement and our thoughts ... this has a delicate beauty ... for we all miss the innosence that's been lost when thoughts failed to dance ... very nice work
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Thanks a million for your lovely comment and applause.
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NICE
Step on a crack, break your mother's back. heehee Just playing with ya. I enjoyed reading and commenting on your thought provoking little gem you have penned here. sweet
POETDONTKNOWIT -
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Thank you ever so much for your lovely comment.
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wow. made me think. i loved the first stanza. really hits you.
cement is splitting in
unmapped directions
beneath my clichéd
footsteps
i loved it. great job. -
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Thanks a million for your comment.
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very thought provoking, it makes a lot of sense. the logic is presented in very clear imagery. my favorite part of this poem was the flow of the words, the rhythm and the way it all worked together, almost musically
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Thanks for your lovely comment.
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Interesting way to describe how someone is trying to break free from constraints of normality by "prising open cracks of primeval concrete" as you put it, hoping to find their promised land without sacrificing their innocence. very deep thought provoking write.
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Thank you ever so much!
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Deep
Emotions here. This was really a gr8 write and I enjoyed reading this. Looking 4ward 2 reading more from your page.
Ephiphany
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Thanks!
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