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She is Not You

 

 


I think too much on worthless days,
unable to crawl through this maze.
I’m tainted, wasted, hollowed out
filled to brimming with tears of doubt.

Your voice, on phone, rings so sweetly
and I am blind, crushed completely
in whispered, wilted, treasures kept
mangled, demented, while I slept.

Fractured pictures of you with her
when I know it’s me, you’d prefer.
Perishing in a grave of lies
bestowed on me with azure eyes.

Truth of variegated grief

leaving wisps of disbelief
foretold when you whispered, taboo:
“The problem is, she is not you.”

And I in true form, out of spite
said, “Darling, no.  That is not right.
The problem is, will always be
you are still you, and I’m still me...”

 

 

 



 

 

 

 

 

Author notes

Option 3 Word Bank
Used these words or forms of them:

Wilted
Perish (Perishing)
Fractured
Foretold
Worthless
Demented
Tainted
Hollow (Hollowed)
Whispers (Whispered)
Grave
Bestow (Bestowed)

In a list

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

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Comments

1 - 9 of 9

  • c e ll a r . d oo r
    November 3, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    i loved the vocabulary, the rhythm, the flow, & the sad yet strong & angry emotions it evoked ♥

  • OurxBeginning
    April 21, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    this was a great write
    the rhythm, flow were all perfect
    and it was really easy to read
    i enjoyed reading this
    well deserved of the trophy
    I hope things get better for you
    either way
    its a great poem
    Keep it up

    ~Miraculous~


  • kareneisenlord gold member
    April 2, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    You used the vocabulary list and more. Excellent work here and the emotion, thought and imagery were very well portrayed. Your poem opened beautifully, drawing me in;

    "I think too much on worthless days,
    unable to crawl through this maze.
    I’m tainted, wasted, hollowed out
    filled to brimming with tears of doubt.",

    and I liked this one toward the end, that tied in nicely with the title and the content of your poem;

    "Truth of variegated grief
    leaving wisps of disbelief
    foretold when you whispered, taboo:
    “The problem is, she is not you.”

    Good luck in the contest! Nice poem...


  • Never Fall in Love
    March 28, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Nope .. I have no idea who this is
    lol, just clicked it from your page
    and as reading this .. I was wondering if you're trying to use the same type of words like me
    Cuz You're doing great!
    You're gonna me it harder for me and Manic to judge this
    But that's a good thing
    I was surprised to see this in my contest

    Here's one thing I want you to hear
    This poem is excellent
    If nothing, this triggers alot of memories for me
    just ask George
    He asked how I am... and I seriously don't have a clue right now

    Fractured pictures of you with her
    when I know it’s me, you’d prefer.
    Perishing in a grave of lies
    bestowed on me with azure eyes

    And that is my favourite stanza
    Nowadays I seem to like anything dealing with lies
    If there is one tiny thing I can suggest
    it would be :

    Truth of variegated sadness
    with wisps of bleak, trance-like madness

    The rhyme is good, the syllable count is good
    It isn't forced .. but for some vague reason
    It really broke my flow in reading
    Try using something else instead of sadness
    (hint: synonym = misery )

    Other than that
    An extremely well done job
    keep it up
    and good luck in my contest

    NeveR ♥


    • trista gold member
      March 29, 2007

      Edit | Reply
      Hi NeveR

      I've always liked this style of writing, do it every now and again. I think it's one reason I like your writing so much. And yes...your word bank made it easy to write in a similar way that you do. No worries about the judging, I really just wanted to write something I hoped you'd like and enjoy. And although it is a personal write, I thought it might be something you could relate to.

      I looked at the stanza you mentioned, and I agree that it read a bit awkward. I've edited and I think (hope) it's somewhat improved. Thank you so much for pointing that out, as I always appreciate constructive criticism.

      Good luck with your contest and take care!

      ~J.

      • Never Fall in Love
        March 29, 2007

        Edit | Reply
        I like the change
        I just one of the words had to go
        but thats not really a prob
        oh, and one more thing
        thanx for bringing me back to this page
        I swear I put u in the preliminary finalist list


  • Death of the Author
    March 28, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Wow, this is quite simply awesome, well done, I loved every word ^^ Good luck in the contest, I hope you do well! x take care and keep writing x


  • debilynn gold member
    March 25, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    word banks always look hard but you make this look so easy. reads so smoothly. wonderful job you did with this. keep writing! God bless you always


  • Endeavor gold member
    March 25, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    Excellent

    This one I do get

    and it is quite good

    I live the ending

    this

    And I in true form, out of spite
    said, “Darling, no. That is not right.
    The problem is, will always be
    you are still you, and I’m still me...”

    CooL

    Rick

1 - 9 of 9