The moon casts our sorrowful dream till it fades away....
Our kiss brings pain and shame as quiet tears slide down your face watching my skin blister and burn as our heart breaks.
The gem of our future once brightly incandescent now cracked and dying its luster lost...
...and then undeniable it rises up, expecting sorrow and sadness hatred caught me unawares. It's hunger will not be denied. Unfeeling, uncaring, unwavering it falls, it falters.It's abyssal lust is sated for now......and i crack and fall like the empty shell that i now am.
Author notes
My girlfirend broke up with me like shortly before i wrote this or right after....i was a little sad and this just poped up in my head.and i wanted something to show true love.
A contest entry
- Prewrite Contest! (Show me your stuff) by BloodCrusted.
600 points, ended April 18, 2007, 97 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Give me your very best! by Carly Pop.
450 points, ended April 3, 2007, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - BRING ME INTO YOUR MIND by WhenWillsCollide.
300 points, ended March 30, 2007, 12 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - The Anything You Want Contest (Prewrites Allowed) by KittieLyyn.
350 points, ended April 1, 2007, 96 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Hit Me With Your Best Shot (Pre-writes allowed) by Dark Whispers.
315 points, ended April 2, 2007, 41 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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i can relate, dear. i can see through your eyes and feel what you feel. good job in the contest and good luck!
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AWESOME !
Another very intense write showing your raw emotions. Well done, and I hope it helped in the healing process. Keep writting. You have a way with words.
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excellent!
very good write but I am sorry about your girl friend!
thank you for entering your poem, I thought it was great! -
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thank you and it is ok now.me and her have started tlking again.(its been a few months since it happened.
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Wow, I really like this. Nice and deep. Thoughful. Full of your pain, which is what I like.
You obviously loved her. ALOT. It shows through quite well.
The only critism I can offer is that the structure is a little wacked up, but it's poetry. It's your choice on how it looks.
Nice write!
-System of Cyanide
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THANK YOU.and a/b full of pain...well this just shows you what you can do in a paroxysm of passion.the majorioty of my poetry is written in my head before i put it on paper...and the inside of my head is a bit twisted so im not suprised if something comes out a little wacked.
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heh... I suppose this is more in comment to your notes than your poem... but I just am amused when people link Romeo and Juliet with true love... Romeo and Juliet was hardly a true love... I always took it as Shakespeare's mockery of the concept of Love at first Site. But w/e, I suppose each is allowed his own interpretation...
The only dependable thing about the future is Uncertainty.
-Chaos -
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a comment is a comment and always welcome.but yes in fact i see what you mean (and in truth i believe that)but the majority of people i meet always say it was meant to be thought to be true love.but to answear your unkowningly ask question.yes everybody is allowed there own interpretationwhich is in fact there opinion and if we did not have it than this world would be dull and completly orderly.dont you think?do you think i should take it out?R&J?
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Hardly... just ranting my opnions... do with it as you want.
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i like this... expecially "Our kiss brings pain and shame as quiet tears slide down your face watching my skin blister and burn as our heart breaks."
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glad you liked it.as it says in the notes i had just broken up w/my gf(her Gd dad was beating her at the time and she had a mental break down)(i just found that out a few days ago)but i was really depressed.she actually accepted me for who i was and even encourged me to write poetry.i had just begun to think i loved her but then we were broken up and i was mislead and now theres nuthin i could do about it.
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awwwww... reminds me of seomthing im going through right now with soemone. hope everythings ok
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well than i hope you pull through with that person and if you are feeling anything reomotely like i did that you fight for them.and yes everything is ok.
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good. and sorry.
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Welcome to allpoetry
Very dark and sad indeed. You really capture the moment of pain and anger. I would suggest trying to make the line breaks shorter and more uniform. Its a little hard to follow with all the lines wrapping like that instead of short lines that give more impact to your words.
I will read more of your poems when I have more time. Just wanted to at least read and comment on one right now so you know I hadn't forgotten you.
I encourage you to keep writing to read and comment.
God Bless
Tammy
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