Relentless past faults
Surround her securely in sorrow
Peircing fear of the unpredictable future
Harshly caresses her broken thoguhts
Dated lies resume theyre darkening wrath
Posing as happiness
She grabs hold tight
Unforgettable experiences have left her forever afraid
Afraid of relationships
Those that will become
Teh core of her eternal confusion
Withholding this chaos
Seem to her
Something that must be done
For if she is to rely on strength
To pull her through
She must hide her building hate
Pride seems to be a far-fetched quality
Within view though never in reach
Presenting herself as a pertially stable being
Is a struggle she must forever survive
Too be open with these countless though significant emotions
Is considered a weakness of the worst kind
And to be considered weak
Is a fear that runs along side her
As she constantly flees her consuming unwanted fate.
A contest entry
- Calling all Poets for Poetry by Dark Whispers.
375 points, ended March 26, 2007, 19 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - a contest for poets with thick skin. by duke of balabamas.
300 points, ended April 14, 2007, 24 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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sorry these critiques are taking so long.
this piece was a little shaky.
i think that you tried to carry a thme through and ended up being a bit redundant and wordy. and before i move on, line 10 or 11 or so has a typo that im sure youll want to fix. "teh."
ok. the piece couldve been much stronger broken into stanzas. it wouldve helped you establish where you were going and where you had been. i think the subject tends to be a little jumpy. the little pride bit came out of nowhere and ended just as quickly. another typo. line 22 or so change "too."
i think the piece gets a little wordy, especially in the end. "As she constantly flees her consuming unwanted fate." its wordy and im not sure that constantly even works at all. just a bad word choice, in my opinion.
the last issue i have with this piece is its use of dark imagery. it seems like you were trying to establish a mood, but you too often fell into a cliche and really took me out of the piece.
overall, the piece is a little wordy and a bit too cliche, but not necessarily bad. the distracting typos were another factor giving this piece a 15/100.
DS -
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I appreciate the feedback...I agree that I couldve done much better, I guess I was trying to create an intense dark peice. I appreciate it greatly. Thank you for taking your time to comment on it. There should be more critiques like you out there
Take care
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