a crack in time
we lie like yesterday
clumped
into a lover's knot
wonder at the miracle
that can forget
for a moment,
enjoy the dawn
with the careless hands
of an old love
made new again
......................
a crack in time
and we are laying like
yesterday clumped
into a lover's knot
wonder at the miracle
that can forget
for maybe
just a moment
and enjoy the dawn
with the careless hands
of an old love
made new again
Author notes
?
?
work-in-progress
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
-
Nice
I am never of much any help but I liked this poem and I found that the flow was good and not really forced like some poems I have read lately. I really enjoyed this poem with how it flowed and te words you chose were tastefully chosen. good work all round here Ms. Meli and kepe it up. you are a great poetress and you know it
*roase* Me
-
-
Sounds like these people are getting themselves tied up in the past - but, it's real cool. You can feel the quagmire - the good and bad of it. Happens in disastors, this kind of stuff - brings people together from far away places - whatever. I vote for the top one - all the way.
-
Firstly: I love this piece. I will attempt to be of some use though.
"into a lover's knot"
-I tripped over that a little.. the 'into a' seems a syllable too long. Perhaps 'clumped in a lovers knot'? I don't know..
I like the first version better, definitly the 'lie' not 'laying'
ALso, being in past tense .. it gives it an age, but also a timelessness. Definitly seperate the crack in time too- it isolates the crack.
Maybe 'wonder' should be wondering? It seems to flow a littl ebterr in my head, but I'm not sure about that one.
"that can forget
for maybe
just a moment"
Those lines felt a little.. disjointed, but that really worked.. it was almost like .. each syllable was weighed, and the tone seems to be huddled under the weight of all these stuttered sounds by the end-
Last stanza- stunning.
Hope that is of some help. If not, say 'thankyou very much, I will look at those' or'fuck off you small person'
SOrry I haven'tbeen around at all. So much work, and exams.. and etc. I was at school -again- today. On a saturday
-
Fantastic poem. The first one is the most recent draft, if I understand you correctly? It's a definite improvement, in particular 'we lie' works better than 'we are laying'.
Thanks for the enjoyable and thought-provoking read.
-
Yesterday's Lie is something we all continue to live sometimes. Another keeper.
-
That was so sweet!!! I love it!!!
-
Very nice sereies of poems you've got, looks like the beginnign of something very good. Well done.
-
Oh. This is a nice set of poems that you have here. I know I've read stuff by you before and I like the way that you write. You had the same poem twice but it looks like maybe you were experimenting with the way you spaced it or something? I'm not sure but I liked the way that it was arranged in the first one. I thought the poem was very gentle and it felt real. You did a good job.
-
-
thank you
LOL yeah, this is a series of drafts... the first one is the second draft. There will probably be more as I work on it.
-
-
Lovely lovely
Lovely image and a common experience rendered concrete.
I'm wondering if compression (dispensing with articles, prepositions, etc. when possible) and taking it out of the passive voice might make the experience happen rather than narrate it
I do like “crack in time” wonder if it might be a title – poems want titles I think
crack in time
we lie
like yesterday
clumped lover's knot
wonder at the miracle
forget
for maybe just a moment
and
enjoy the dawn
with careless hands
of old love made new
well that is an awful edit on my part, but maybe it makes the concept make sense.
The active verb also gets you that Shakespearean pun.
Peace.
-
-
ah, thank you.
yes, this needs a make-over, badly. I appreciate the suggestion... will definitely mull it over.
I do think 'crack in time' needs to be in a line by itself, maybe a title lead-in.
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 12 of 12
