Pride:
To thee I succumb to sin,
a sin of ostentatious display,
for the Heavens defile our love,
with their pristine virtue.
The petals of a flower,
a beautiful rose,
of white or red,
the flowers of acacia,
whose scents linger abound the forest bed,
to float gingerly across the breezy skies,
or a field of flowers ‘fore the ocean bluffs,
mixing the sea with land in luscious aroma.
The flowers hide not their beauty,
a palette of vibrant colors,
though hidden through the pulchritude
of the gentle flowers that embellish the Earth,
the stamen and carpal veil their maturation,
yet till the flowers bloom to spring forth life.
The flowers hold not their pride beneath,
but show the world their awesome beauty.
Nor the cardinals or blue jays,
an innocent glow radiant of crimson and azure,
their voices compose the orchestra of nature,
to drown the screams and sobs.
Thou hast stolen mine heart,
my love for thee boasts pride,
I descend one step towards Hell,
whose steps evince but 7,
there stand six below.
Avarice:
To thee I succumb to sin,
a sin of desire beyond reason,
for the Heavens defile our love,
with their pristine virtue.
It matters not the wish of God,
for I shall betray his every trust,
as my heart desires your bliss,
I endeavor the wealth of happiness.
‘Tis nature that deems a mother’s instincts,
that even animals must abide her law,
the bear whose life she’d give to save her young,
whose strength and ferocity shrills down man’s spines,
determination and endurance to save what they hold dear,
the tigers that risks life to feed their progeny,
whose agility and power roar through nature’s ear,
leaving not their loves to hunger.
Then it is nature that grants my love unto thee,
to witness not thy suffering from poverty,
mayhap Mother Nature stands with me,
to endow you with every wish.
Thou hast stolen mine heart,
my love for thee boasts avarice,
I descend one step towards Hell,
whose steps evince but 7,
there stand five below.
Envy:
To thee I succumb to sin,
a sin of resent towards others’,
for the Heavens defile our love,
with their pristine virtue.
Others that affect not their love
with the seven deadly sins,
living for the moment that their lips would touch,
under the branches of a weeping willow,
surrounded by the aroma of flora,
to their ears float gentle words of adulation.
‘O how fair their touch and kiss,
envy does writhe within mine core,
that I may not feel her amorous embrace,
of flesh or lip nor depth in her eyes,
the envy of our time apart.
Thou hast stolen mine heart,
my love for thee boasts envy,
I descend one step towards Hell,
whose steps evince but 7,
there stand four below.
Anger:
To thee I succumb to sin,
a sin of hatred towards those whose minds are closed,
for the Heavens defile our love,
with their pristine virtue.
Brought of ill-wrought men,
our love transcends the mortal realm,
for that is the sole place where it may thrive,
this reality brings but severe abhorrence.
‘Twas not celestial divination keeping us afar,
as man himself embraced the sin
of envy that I embrace myself,
and though my pride may swell,
their law keeps our love obscure.
From atop two separate balconies,
staring wistfully t’wards the moon,
a full moonscape with barren seas,
effulgent with an orange glow,
with light it stole from the sun,
to abase us with her rays,
even after her abandonment.
Here our hearts may link,
mine eyes of hazel and yours of azure,
I see your eyes within the Sea of Fertility
from where our tears may replenish the Maria.
To those who keep our love cislunar,
a fury whose apparent magnitude dims the sun
revels within my soul.
Thou hast stolen mine heart,
my love for thee boasts anger,
I descend one step towards Hell,
whose steps evince but 7,
there stand three below.
Sloth:
To thee I succumb to sin,
a sin to dream of eternal youth,
for the Heavens defile our love,
with their pristine virtue.
To listen to the wind fly gently above the lake,
to watch the gentle ripples that form from our feet,
while the clouds cover the crepuscular sky,
dotting the water’s surface with lonely stars,
as precious nuggets of gold one can never acquire,
for their wealth lies not in our hands,
but within our eyes.
There as our fingers interlock,
the cadence of your laughter
the smile upon your face,
the water cleansing our minds,
what a moment we’d not want end.
Next to the sin I stand,
wishing to do naught,
wishing for naught to happen,
as to cosset the time we have.
Thou hast stolen mine heart,
my love for thee boasts sloth,
I descend one step towards Hell,
whose steps evince but 7,
there stand two below.
Gluttony:
To thee I succumb to sin,
a sin to devour all joy,
for the Heavens defile our love,
with their pristine virtue.
‘Tis to no lament that I must admit,
a desire to consume all euphoria,
yet not to digest so wastefully,
to vitalize my life which ululates sincere deprivation.
To travel the town with a hunger so great,
a normal man would shriek ‘fore death crept,
sapping the world of its irresistible desires,
of eternal elation.
Thou hast stolen mine heart,
my love for thee boasts gluttony,
I descend one step towards Hell,
whose steps evince but 7,
there stands one below.
Lust:
To thee I succumb to sin,
a sin that drives my insanity,
for the Heavens defile our love,
with their pristine virtue.
Upon thy body my eyes do rest,
there is no greater beauty nature could create,
to thine eyes and countenance of youthful perfection,
their value alone surpasses a king’s wealth,
as the most precious jewels I could see,
deep as the ocean and vast as space.
Thine slender shoulders
hold ev’ry gown with elegance,
faultless thy breasts exalt every fabric,
rising as spheres the planets would envy,
slight hips that thy feminine posture arise,
tender legs that walk with grace.
Thy hair refined like strands of silk,
gilded by the beauty of the moon,
endlessly woven past thy collar,
below thy luscious breast.
Mine eyes reflect autumnal fires,
gazing upon this magnificent creation,
my love builds strongly for,
besieging my attraction for thee.
Thou hast stolen mine heart,
my love for thee boasts lust,
I descend one step towards Hell,
whose steps evince but 7,
there stand but zero below.
And here together,
the sins decide,
my damnation to hell,
for my love,
of you.
Author notes
Ah… what a severely odd poem from me to write, as I follow not the virtues of Christianity. Though I am agnostic, I felt compelled to write this. Though very much based off of experience, I chose the view of a rejected poet in olden times. Mm… many times, it feels less like a poem and more of collection of notes. I do also apologize for the apparent angst the poem has, but there’s not a love on Earth not begrimed with sorrow. Critique.
As for the new contest I entered, this is likely my longest, though not by far. While "religious" it is actually mocking religion. I, NickBlaze, of course, think it to by one of my better poems.
A contest entry
- Love Vs. Religion by Walking In pAiN.
450 points, ended April 3, 2007, 11 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Options...with a challenge. by Jai Guru Deva.
450 points, ended May 9, 2007, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - I Need a Medieval 'fix' II - Prewrites only!! by Jadon.
600 points, ended June 4, 2007, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Two entries. All prewrite. by morgana raven.
400 points, ended February 23, 123 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - ANYTHING GOES by VerminVomit.
1300 points, ended March 9, 146 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - round one; your best prewrite. by August Starlight.
765 points, ended March 21, 93 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - I'll Have To Warn You; This Is Going To Hurt, Really Hurt. by SarahEatsAirplane.
1750 points, ended March 21, 69 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Whispers of the Muse by SubKitten.
3045 points, ended May 19, 156 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Best Prewrites! by movedon.
1750 points, ended May 8, 363 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Critique.
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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I like your repetition of the first and last stanza with each sin. It helps to connect them together.
I do feel, however, that writing each stanza as one long sentence really throws off the flow of the piece overall. Also, ending every line with a , places some very awkward pauses for the reader. Not every line needs punctuation at the end of it, and some are actually better without it. Changing up the punctuation in places for a different effect, and dropping it entirely in others might really help this piece flow better.
Pride:
I like the way you wrote this piece, using all the beautiful imagery. However, you don't express the feeling of Pride until the end, and I think it could due with a bit more recognition through the piece as a whole.
Avarice:
Again, you use some very effective imagery, but I don't see any connection between what you mention in the stanzas and Greed. All of the things you describe are selfless acts, and not acts of Greed.
Envy:
This piece is wonderfully written. The connection to Envy is clear from the beginning, and it holds a lot of emotion and desire in the words.
Anger:
Very good imagery and description in this piece, though the tone feels almost too light for Anger. At the end, when you make the connection more apparent, the tone seems to get a bit darker, but I think it may work better if you can find a way to incorporate that into the rest of the stanza.
Sloth:
I love the way this piece was presented. It feels relaxed and lazy, and really suits the sin of Sloth.
Gluttony:
Another very well piece. The way you wrote this takes an interesting look at another side of Gluttony that we don't really consider. I like that you did that.
Lust:
This is probably my favorite of the pieces you wrote here. It captures the very essence of Lust from the beginning, and makes it very clear which sin you're focusing on.
Overall, this was an extremely well written piece, and a very interesting and unique take on the Seven Deadly Sins.
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i love poems about the seven deadly sins having written one myself i think yours is much better than mine
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i'm speechless after reading this. you put your point across so well.
good job.
good luck. -
You word things excellently and you've written a great take on the Seven Deadly Sins. Thanks for entering and good luck.
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when i saw that this was like 230 lines i really didn't wanna read it, but when i started reading it, time went by rather quickly
phenomenal imagery.
"a sin to devour all joy," i seem to really like this line for some reason. it goes well with gluttony and it makes the sin sound more figurative
awesome write.
thank you so much for entering -
Wow I could never write this much, this is amazing. I LOVVVVVE imagery and this poem is full of it! I love how each of the parts are based on each deadly sin, everything about this was brilliant. You picked a great non-cliche subject which is hard to do [and wrote it well]. Thanks for entering, and good luck!
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Let me just start by congratulating you on allowing the poem to let you know when it was complete.
I like how at the end of each vice description we are led further down to Hell as we embrace our vices (sins) Your sins do not seem sins to me. That is not a criticism but an observation (ie "hatred toward those whose minds are closed"," no greater beauty nature could create"(lust)...) which after all is your intention
You use words I appreciate and would see used more often (ie "cosset")
Perhaps because I am thinking in a medieval mood I would change the "zero" following the last step to "none"
The movement steadily down to Hell is one that I wish to read again and allow my mind to further explore what you have developed.
Unique, though a word I have used before today in my comments definitely applies here and I see why you brought it to this contest. Thank you for bringing your write forward. All the best Jadon
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does this even fall into any of my contest's categories? what option is this? it's a good poem and obviously it took a lot of work, but why even bother entering it in my contest? sorry but i have to DQ you unless you comment me back with the option number and explain how this fits into my contest.
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I re-read this and will again, there is so much richness and so many layers, this is very thoughtful, the layout is part of what expresses the message. As a critique, "pulchritude" stopped the flow of that line, maybe a synonym would be more lyrical. The lushness is outstanding. Thanks for the entry. Well done.
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pefect..i'm speachless!!!
thank you for entering and i wish you the best of luck.
Ashley -
Completely fantastic.
Well, this piece was completely amazing. It's great how you could truly relate love to every deadly sin, even sloth and gluttony.
"as precious nuggets of gold one can never acquire,
for their wealth lies not in our hands,
but within our eyes." I especially liked this little line, though it wasn't the biggest part of the poem.
You were able to use repetition well, and the image of a a person slowly descending to hell for love of someone is a strong one. I suppose the angst was apparent, but life isn't all smiles and sunshine, and this piece used angst for the better rather than the worse.
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Wow. This is some poem that you have going on in here.
I was reading this and thinking that you really must have put a lot of time and energy into this one because you made sure to really cover all your bases and develop out your thoughts. Lestway it seemed that way to me. I thought that you did a good job of expressing yourself here. 
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Worth the time to read !
I needed to think about this a bit but... When we love, we ( at times) separate ourselves from sanity and will do anything to keep what we think we have even at the expense of our souls. Now, I am a Christian.. but I have walked this line in the past. You did an excellent job with this. It read like a dream. Your use of metaphore was perfect and I could feel the angst. It was well worth the time it took to read and think and comment. -
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Thank you. Though I hate how you can "feel the angst" I suppose it was unavoidable. May I ask what you think may be improved upon?
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I would be hard pressed to find something to improve upon as I am not one to pick apart a piece this well written. The only think I would change really is not the poem but the orange pattern against the pink font. lol.. Sort of is distracting.
There was a little inbalance in the lines ( meter ) .. but not enough to notice unless you read it several times like I did now..lol. I hope I was of some help. This was stunning work. Blessings. Debby
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