On the shore of Lake St. Claire,
I waded at a boat landing.
Because I was six,
And could not swim,
The Captain said,
"Stay there."
A boy who was eight
Was allowed to swim
Just 20 feet away
And I watched him drown
Because I had been told,
"Stay there."
The men of the Post
Formed a circle around the dead boy,
While his mother screamed
And nobody noticed
That I had stayed
"Right there."
Author notes
This is a true account of an experience that has surfaced from long ago.
A contest entry
- YOUR MOST PAINFUL EXPERIENCE by bitter scarecrow.
750 points, ended April 3, 2007, 12 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Got something sad inside you? New or old. by Naridill.
450 points, ended June 13, 2007, 18 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - "I'm sad" POETRY :( by thelovesongwriter.
345 points, ended June 20, 2007, 96 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - REVELATIONS by -df-.
300 points, ended August 30, 2007, 7 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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This was written for a contest in which we were asked to write of our most painful experience. I don't see how it could be anything but confessional. The poem is indicated under "casual." I noticed your author's page and the frequent use of the 'F' word. Possibly I should have used this because this experience has haunted me throughout my life. Melodic? I don't think so.
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ok
the poem has great potential, really.
But I think it ends with to many consonants thus making many of the lines in the poem end abruptly.
Try changing the ends to vowels(if it is possible)
this will make a melodic poem.
Also, this sounds more like a confession of what had been witnessed rather than a poem. It is fine to write a confession I think, as long as it is done poetically.
was happy to read this piece, amongthe better half, even if it needs a touch of work. -
OMG
like... i feel so bad for you. i watched someone almost drown. my brother. so i can sort of relate
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that sounds pretty crazy. is it true? it's a good metaphor either way. i don't know why you put quotation marks around the last line, you don't need them unless it was something someone said, and if so, the reader doesn't know who it is.
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If you read the poem, even in a cursory way, you will see that a person gave that command. The poem hinges on that. It is a reference to the same command. I think it needs a quote; but that is my opinion only. Yes, this was a terrible moment, and still is. It happened at Selfridge Field, Michigan in 1939. I doubt that this ever made the newspapers at the time.
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Wow.
Almost painful to read, but in a good way,so sad..
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wow thats really crazy. it really seems scary... I can remember almost drowning one time, and it sucked a lot. This acutally shocked me emotionally for some reason, and I'm glad I chose to read it. Its crazy how many parents / guardians don't pay attention to their children enough.
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A very enjoyable read. I love the way it reflects a child's understandings, but speaks in an adults voice. Great and tragic story communicated with masterful phrasing. Leaves an image that will no doubt linger on my consciousness for days.
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I had some question about using this story. It became clear to me, only after reaching middle age. The reason was not that I witnessed a death but because I felt responsible for it. What a thing to carry around all these years. I would have drowned if I had tried to help, but still. His mother screamed. The men could not do anything to help. The boy had a St. Christopher medal on, and that had not saved him. Nobody said, "How do you feel about this?" That is why I write about it now.
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Excellent
Oh so very sad, I'm truly sorry you had to witness this event at such a young age, I watched my rabbit get mauled by a fox when i was 2, i know, nothing can compare, but it still scared the life outta me.
Beautifully written.
Good luck in my contest.
Zoe xxx -
Thank you for your entry.
Good luck in the contest.
-df-
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That is horrifying. To have watched this take place, simply because you followed an order. It is a memory that remains with us unfortunately. Thank you for your entry into the contest. *hug* Storm
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This sent shivers down my spine as I read this. Having done as you were told you seen devastation first hand at a young age. My spirit embraces you in this most difficult memory. Best of luck to you in the contest and remember you are who you are today because of lifes strifes and victories. Each one making you stronger. God bless....Dawn
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wow. this was so strong and emotional and i can only send my apologies for this horrid thing you had to encounter. you did as you were told like evry other small child does.
this was a sad write but best of luck in the contest
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Ah yes... I could imagine how something like this could surface even after a while... you stayed right there, and even though you feel bad for it, you may have died if you had gone out, too....
tramatic, yes; and it's something you'll never forget... nobody could forget something like this. Best of luck in the contest, Zach : -
so sad
Sad to know that this is your cross to bear in life, I bear my own cross as well, it's how we carry that cross that really matters, agreed? With strength, courage and conviction and a sprinkle of tenacity, or with heavy laden hearts unable to move forward in life without real progress. You have progress here this is quite clear. Warmly, Chrissy
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oh gosh, did this happen to you?! SO SORRY!
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so sad
congrats on the contest, this was an well crafted work on a most horrific experience.
my blessings to you for peace.
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I have no words, just a hug...
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Ouch!
Jim
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very nice piece
i love the feeling of helplessness in this poem, good job
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Oh my God.
When I started reading the poem, I thought it was going to be happy and suddenly with no frills, it just so deadpan said "I watched him drown." My heart dropped, the complete bluntness of that line is terrifying.
I'm so sorry that you witnessed such a thing.
Your poem is really well written in that it's concise and yet has such a deep impact of emotion on the reader. This is much better than if you had filled it with metaphors and imagery and what not, you simply put this out there and it's very very strong.
I hope you one day recover from this experience and also, nicely written poem. -
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The important thing is that this experience has not been lost in the fuzz repressed memory. I have worked and worked to remember every detail and exactly how I felt about it at the time. I do look away from young children when I swim, but I know that I did the right thing. I am pleased to receive supportive and encouraging thoughts from people like you.
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Wow.
I can't even pretend to fathom the torment such a memory could bring, even while you did exactly as you were supposed to do. I think I can feel part of the pain through thanks to this writing. Thanks for sharing it. -
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This is, indeed, a painful incident in my past. It came into focus a frame at a time over a period of fourty years. I had rationalized this with the thought that I had looked away and that he had gone ashore at that time. I always felt guilty, and I was secretly glad that I was not asked more closely about the details. This gave me the feeling that I had gotten away with something. One day, in a swimming pool, I saw a boy who liked like the one who drowned. My wife had to help me out of the pool because I realized that I had watched him go under. It will always be painful to me but thanks for sharing your thoughts. Had it not been for this contest, I would not have brought this up.
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I hope that you don't blame yourself
You were a child who could not swim and listened as you should have. If you had tried to save him you would have been dead as well. this is something very sad and painfulit is why children who are mediocre swimmers should wear lifejackets no matter how uncool they are. I hope that you could put this at least partially behind you. -
What a bewildering and terrifying experience for a child. A little oversight can have unforeseen, sometimes deadly consequences. Caution should always be taken when a life is in question. Age matters not so much as capability and experience.
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This is, indeed, a painful incident in my past. It came into focus a frame at a time over a period of fourty years. I had rationalized this with the thought that I had looked away and that he had gone ashore at that time. I always felt guilty, and I was secretly glad that I was not asked more closely about the details. This gave me the feeling that I had gotten away with something. One day, in a swimming pool, I saw a boy who liked like the one who drowned. My wife had to help me out of the pool because I realized that I had watched him go under. It will always be painful to me but thanks for sharing your thoughts. Had it not been for this contest, I would not have
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Poetry is sometimes the best way to puncture the festering wound of the past and draw the poison from our minds
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Wow that was so dep and very sad, youput your words togther so well. Th at must of been really ahrd to witness. Very nicely written.
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