In the dark,
a razor, a knife or gun
it doesn't matter,
dead is dead
it doesn't matter
if the fire of hell is burning
brightly for all eternity
or
fluffy white clouds
with angel choirs
singing Hosannas
either or neither
could be home
what matters is
inside a tortured mind
chaos has a deep hold
like roots of a tree
tangling past, present and future
not knowing if
a strike has been called
where each drop of rain becomes
a tear of reality slipping away
a flame of light grows dim as
a noose of ermine slowly
chokes life from the mind
stars mark the grave
where thorns now grow
an empty grave
for an empty mind
In a list
A contest entry
- Dark Pictures & Words by silent bee.
525 points, ended April 3, 2007, 7 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Tired of HM's (X) by PatheticKt.
550 points, ended August 26, 2008, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 27 of 27
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inside a tortured mind
chaos has a deep hold
these two lines sprang out at me learing towards me, i like the again the simpleness but also so powerfully worded it creates a great image in the mind and your choice of words here dark and creative
where each drop of rain becomes
a tear of reality slipping away
nice symbalism here
very well wrote and loved the last two lines
well done on this
abigail
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Merry meet,
Thanks for reading my work. I'm glad that you like this.
Amythest
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Ahh, good write you got here and love the touch of heaven and hell comparison for the theme to be written quite in justice
Not much to say here other than some awkward linebreaks and how the impact wasn't that powerful although the tone made up for it ^^
Overall, this is a good write ~ -
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Merry meet,
Thank you for commenting. The idea was that we bring heaven and hell to ourselves within our mind.
Thank you again.
Amythest
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Blah. Stereotypical depressesd-kid poem. Your language was better than the subject deserved. Pour yourself into something happier. Poetry comes easily when you're writing about dark stuff because it's getting it out of your head. It's a release. That's good for you, but it's common.
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Merry meet,
Thank you for taking the time to comment. I have a lot of "happy" poetry, if you cared to look, besides it's just a poem based on a word bank. Writing dark poetry does not come easy for me. Thank you for stopping by.
Amythest
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Well, the imagery was nice and dark; Uhm, the topic is cliche. The structure is fine, I guess. We'll see what Liberation of Sense has to say. (Sorry this comment sucks, there's just not much for me to critique)
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just wanted to say how much I love this again!!
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wow!!!
I LOVE THIS!!! This is an amazing write, but then again, what poem of yours isn't? I found this poem to be one that I really, really like and I love how dark it is.
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Merry meet Crystal,
Aw, shucks girl, your praise is appreciated. Thank you for your applause too.
Amythest
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An ermine noose almost makes you feel sorry for the little creature. Most dark pieces seem cliched now having the same images used over and over but this piece breaths new life into the genre. The more you think about the images the darker they become. I love they way you used thorns it shows that even emptiness can bring pain.
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Merry meet Sapphire,
Thank you very much for your enthusiatic applause and for taking the time to comment on my work. The idea of the ermine noose was the expensive treatments and luxuries that can kill just as easily as a gun, knife, ect...thank you again.
Amythest
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So I definately liked this poem ALOT.
It made you think, and it pretty much spoke the truth.
I like how you made it mysterious, and creepy, and still made it sound awesomely awesome.
Keep up the good work!
I'll be looking forward to seeing more!
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I like it it was enjoyable. You used your words in a good way. Always smile- and keep writing!
aleXOX -
great write. such power in this piece. thank you so much for entering the contest and best of luck to you. i really enjoyed reading this!
~bee -
w.o.w
It was just wow. makes you think. The title is amazing. the first stanze punches you in the face.
i loved this part
what matters is
inside a tortured mind
chaos has a deep hold
like roots of a tree
tangling past, present and future
not knowing if
a strike has been called
great job. -
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Merry meet Crimson,
Thank you for taking the time to comment on my work. I appreciate that immensely.
Amythest
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amazing
i really liked this because it manages to be a sad poem without being angst-y or pathetic or resorting to pointless format and sentimentality.
well done -
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Merry meet Hermit,
Thank you for taking the time to comment on my work. I appreciate this. I am glad that you did not think the poem had angst or was pathetic. I was trying to get the point across without that and it seems that I succeeded. Thank you again.
Amythest
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Wow the contrasting is poem is doen very nicely, this is also very deep and full of emotions, nicely written.
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Merry meet Mrs. Poetic,
Thank you very much for your applause and compliments.
Amythest
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I like the constrast between the part of your poem before the or and after the or, i like how you go from describing a hell image to the typical angelic image. good job =]
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Merry meet girl,
Thank you for applause and for taking the time to comment on my work. I really appreciate that.
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no green cap
THE verse reminds me of an old maxim
" an idle man's brain is a devils work shop"
when mind furrows into waste lands it can never raise green crops to cap it all. -
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Merry meet Purush,
Thank you for taking the time to comment on my poetry. I really appreciate that. Funny, I don't think I was channeling that...
but I might have been, it was something my Great Grandmother used to say.
Amythest
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Wow, this was very intense. A definete bright shining star in the darkness of this poem. It was hauntingly beautiful, and still very endearing to the reader. Thank you for sharing this with us
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Merry meet witch,
Thank you very much for commenting on my poem. It did come out intense didn't it.
Amythest
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