I live my life upside down
Always wearing a frown.
I laugh and have fun
With my friend,
But then shut my door,
I can not hold them in.
As I let the tears roll,
I will always be all alone
'Til that one day:
My mom sat beside me and said,
"So I know why you go to your room all alone.
Remember this:
It takes more of a man to let the tear fall
Then it does to hold it in."
From that day on
I let tears fall from my face
No matter who was around;
Tears show hurt and pain —
One day all the tears will be my gain.
Just thinking about my mom and this is what came up!!! I miss them all
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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excellent. there is nothing wrong with letting the tears flow. i hate it when people (especially when it comes to guys) say that tears show weakness... because they don't tears heal... no matter what anyone says... great poem
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LOVE
I LALA YOU -
Moving
"Tears show hurt and pain....." They also show humanity and feeling.
This is such a beautiful piece, very personal and heartfelt. You have captured a lot of emotion in this, and I think it flows rather well and draws you in as you read.
Oh, I just thought.....if you live your life upside down, then your frown will look like a smile !
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May I suggest fixing your errors in your piece. Beside pointing them all out line for line as I usually do, I'll just post the whole with the corrections, and if you wish you can copy/paste it or if not, leave it as it is.
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I live my life upside down
Always wearing a frown.
I laugh and have fun
With my friend,
But then shut my door,
I can not hold them in.
As I let the tears roll,
I will always be all alone
'Til that one day:
My mom sat beside me and said:
"So I know why you go to your room all alone.
Remember this:
It takes more of a man to let the tear fall
Then it does to hold it in."
From that day on
I let tears fall from my face
No matter who was around;
Tears show hurt and pain —
One day all the tears will be my gain.
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The punctuation may be off a tad however it's better than not having any at all. The flow works on the emotional standpoint, and the correct spelling and grammar (as best as I know, personally) helps in the telling.
The consensus is quite clear what it's about, but, editing is a good thing, especially if you wish your work to be published in a book/magazine/anthology etc., most editors today are lazy and want the writers to do all the work for them so if publication is what you want in the future, healthy critique is necessary.
It's a nice piece, nice sentiment but it could use additional work in regards to the rhyming - perhaps use free verse instead? Rhyming is usually used in lyrical and/or ballads. I feel beginner writers should start with free verse (non rhyming) and work their way up from there. Not start from rhyming. Rhyming is a tricky form and most do not pull it off well.
I hope you do not take my comment in a negative way - it's not meant to be.
-Nam -
wow
this was a very sad but good poem you are a great poet and your mom is right you know crying is not a sign of weakness if anything its a sign of stengh thanks for sharing i hope we can be friends and i can read more of your lovely poems great job thanks for sharing and god bless you and keep you forever and always dianna
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Yep . . .
have traveled the same road . . . thus, i recall my tears as i read your piece.
thanks for the memories of so long ago
when we boys were feeling as though
the world was a place we didn't belong
our world was that damnable bong
we emerged a bit broken and hurt
and after cleansing ourselves of the dirt
we used the one thing we had all learned well
it's no shame to of pain to tell
poet
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What a beautiful write!! Feel......... that's what those tears are for and in you writings I see many emotions coming from you. Keep up your writing you express well!!
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sweet
hey you did it agian
prove to be the one with heart
im proud of you and what you stand for dont ever give up even when you feel your drowning tred honey tred -
awesome! and your mom is right, it takes a real man to cry openly, and tears are feelins we can't put into words. this is an amazing piece.
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great
It was a great poem!!!! I really enjoy it!! You should alot of emoitons in your poem!! have a great day!! take care and keep on writting!!
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