Friends
They are my family
The ones I turn to
When Life puts me down
I know where to frown
Not my momma
nor my daddy
But my friends
They are my family
I need them this I know
For my family I do not know
They are my everything
without them I am nothing
They hurt I hurt
I hurt they hurt
It's a never ending circle
it's what love is
Without them there is no love
for they are my family
They Love me for me
Not who they want me to be
They accept me for who I am
not for who I'm not
They love me more than I can
THEY ARE MY FAMILY
Author notes
It's like 1:30 in the morning and I'm tired but I've been thinking a lot about my friend vs my family and I realized they are my family. I couldn't live without them. Honestly they keep me alive...
A contest entry
- whatever the fuck you want III by Nam.
345 points, ended March 29, 2007, 23 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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I am not an expert on punctuation, and reading the first few lines I see that you're no expert either. If you're not, as it seems you're not then a good thing to do is use less or none at all.
Your first line would have a comma after it and I believe the second would have a semi-colon or a colon (perhaps a period). Either way, I think you should edit out all your punctuation and let it free-flow without the punctuation and then edit accordingly, or at least have someone who knows punctuation edit it for you.
Your 5th line is an obvious weak rhyme and frankly you should edit it out and re-write the line to make more sense in the structure you have. Your seventh line isn't capitalized yet every enjambment line before it is, doesn't make sense. This should be in stanzas, one constant flow doesn't work well with this, it's as if you're wanting the reader read it in one breath and for this sort of piece, it doesn't work so well.
You have too many filler words (a, I, do, it's etc.,)
This needs a major edit. It needs breaks, it needs work in grammar; you have too many repetitions of the same phrases and words, and I'm only at the beginning of the middle.
Your ending is just a great example of repetition that's not needed. It's been said, say it twice if need be but that's just too much. And too much most times is "too much".
The last line should be removed, and the one above should be taken out of caps and ended with a period or if you actually do remove all the punctuation then nothing.
This needs a considerable amount of work.
The message is clear: your friends love you, your friends know you - you and your family do not.
You can say all that in a simple 5-7 lines and I think it'd actually be better.
-Nam -
I feel the same way about my friends. My friends have been by my side through thick and thin and they are truly part of my family. I really liked this one.
Ro -
I am really not sure about what to say, but best of luck
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