Within this sphere
where light can't reflect itself
anymore;
emptier than earth's core,
darker than the midnight
hour,
a stillness engulfs quiet echoes
where somber strains
fill the hollow cold.
This silence can't endure
the stretch of hours
wasted on nothing.
Into the fluid sleeping solace
of memory,
souls fly to meet their fate.
The face of God is slate-grey and meaningless
as mercury depths
where eternity flees from itself.
Bleak, bleak
like stars burning
into infinity.
In a list
A contest entry
- black by Cat.
375 points, ended March 24, 2007, 8 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 25 of 25
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So pensively your piece sways my blank pages, and so many wonderful worded lines. Such a wonderful piece!
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For what purpose would the stars burn then if not to only have a constant but temporary illusion within the light they radiate?....Would the star know that its finite fuel resides within an infinite space?...ummmmm.....not all the time I read something that stirs me into pondering more and more until all I find is an endless thread I'd rather not stumble too much upon. I had a dream the other day (of a 2004 noon), that a whole galaxy exploded from inside of me, and my remains were carried away through all the dust and spheres of ight that spread with so much force and speed, yet in total silence....We never see what really is our universe, all around is constant ilussion again, for what you see is what has happened a long time ago, we see the shadows or the image travelling for eons finally reaching our eyes, but the stars and objects are no longer there right now....intersting to ponder...heehee..
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yes indeed.
I am always thinking about things like these, things which seem infinitely unreachable. it's both interesting and frustrating. but it makes life worthwhile, I think.
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Excellent use of language - I especially love the last two stanzas, though the imagery is wonderful throughout the entire piece.
Thanks for your kind comment on my work - I look forward to reading more of yours.
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Quite a bleek picture you painted here. Well done.
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I meant that it being bleak was an understatement, not about it being well done. ok I'll shut up now.
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haha I suppose that is an understatement.
sometimes, or rather most of the time, I have no idea what the hell I am saying till it is all done. I call it automatic writing (jokingly of course) but I feel as if I am not writing at all. my cousin used to laugh at me for this.
cheers!
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oh crap- i had a nice long comment almost done.. the cat jumped across the keyboard and the rest is history- so here i will try the abridged version -
love some of the lines in this-
"the face of god is slate grey - i love that line- but the depths of mercury has no solid visual to it- it sounds good- but i can't wrap my minds eye around it-
i would have stopped with
the face of god is slate grey
and meaningless.
Your hook in the line is the first- let the hook stand solid as is- its a brilliant line.
anyhow- lots or really nice moments in this piece- that would make me want to seek out your writing-
i do think there is some fat wrapped around the meat still- but a good solid base and a find in this contest
m -
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Thank you for your in depth comment. That is what can be so annoying about cats.
I like them a lot, but when in the past I have had one, they always manage to do some maddening things at times.
I do understand where you are coming from, though I think that is mainly from a minimalist perspective. Which is not a bad perspective, of course, but is only one perspective.
I am wondering, however, if you thought I should incorporate the rest of that stanza in some other way or leave it out? I mean the part which comes immediately after "where eternity
flees from itself."
Thanks again, and enjoy your contest.
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yes, i am generally a minimalist- but more than that i am someone who just reads for the pure enjoyment of reading- i write minimally but some of my favorites are wordy and lengthy and sweep me away with imagery- a good example of a favorite on the site would be grm- but when he takes us on long wordy journeys they tend to lead somewhere-
i am not saying yours didn't - but i don't think the mercury line had a meaning... it seemed almost to say what it said to sound pretty.. but i think it actually detracts-
i would segue to the bleak, bleak- a clear image
Sorry if i seem maddening- i am nothing if not thoughtful - i used to do contests and just tell everyone how much i liked their stuff and thank them.. and one day when someone i had said that to got mad because they didnt place- i thought it was more my duty to explain ahead of time what i was thinking while i was judging.. also, because my fairness has been called into question because my favorites often win- i felt a need to say "i have solid reasons for my choices"-
so maddening or not- you hear the truth.. and the truth is that i can tell you are a thoughtful poet- but i think this piece could use some tightening- i also think it shows some fine talent and can not be ruled out in contention -
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actually I never said you or your comments were maddening; I said that about the things that cats do.
I had no problem at all with your comment. rather, I thanked you for it. I merely wanted to express my own thoughts as well, and to also ask you the question about what you thought as to the ening of that stanza. I am still waiting to hear your opinion...
thanks
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again... i would segue to the bleak, bleak
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on second thought, I don't know how that could work.
The face of God
is slate-grey
and meaningless.
Bleak, bleak
like stars burning
into infinity.
seems disconnnected to me
again I understand where you are coming from but at the same time it seems something is missing this way as well...
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eliminate a bleak
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I rather prefer the repitition there. I was thinking more along the lines of connecting the two. I suppose we all just think differently. thanks for the input...
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i just went to your page- onerios is another wonderful example of the anti minimalist but her poetry's images are strong, solid bodies- not having read more of your work.. it could be just this one poem- it is obvious you work with your craft and
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yeah, my main point is that in my opinion you should use more solid images through out- you have some wonderful lines but perhaps too many fillers which sound like they are trying to sound poetic but add nothing to the poem-
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I know what you are trying to say. I just think that to some degree it is subjective and a matter of taste.
I am also familiar with onerios' work and like it.
thanks
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yeah, i saw that on your page - she is wonderful-
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ok. sorry I missed that before.
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lol
haha i wish! :b Now for the comment:
Black, yes of course, very apparent in this poem. Very good beggining, The word "sphere" entraps the reader; "where the lights cannot reflect itself," sets the whole idea of the poem: blackness.
"a stillness engulfs" this phrase, for me, exudes some kind of mental soundness in the dark..."sleeping solace" connects the whole stanza, very soporic to the soul, consoling. warm, in the darker sense.
The ending was marvelous and astonishing. It wraps the whole poem in a wuthering setting.
All the luck in the contest!!!!
<3
Mhyko
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aww...
now i know i wont be entering anymore! lol! This should place something 4 sure! I'll update in a lil while, currently eating a ginormous subway.
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oh and btw I meant to say before, you are crazy if you think you don't have a chance in the contest... your writing is better than mine most of the time.
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oooh you are eh? is there a Jimmy John's around there? their subs are the best. especially the beach club and the italian night club. I highly recommend them!
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I could almost hear an echo
this is very powerful and makes one think of the whys and wheres in our small existence
well written
best wishes
Peace Muddy
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