Shallow as the summer’s frost,
I may wonder but I am not lost.
I seek the love within our hate,
But have I sought too late?
The grass is harsh and the wind grows cold,
Enlies the problem- our truths enfold.
As swiftly as the blackbird flies,
Our hearts are filled with too many lies.
We chase, in vain, a nameless foe,
Life transcends our lives of woe.
Upon the heels of fleeing deer,
“Luck overseen,” a prophecy unclear.
Iron wrought and death betrothed,
Life be mangled, pain be loathed.
The night means more to those who hide,
As wars are waged and wills collide.
Blinded with greed and crippled by sorrow,
Many now fear for the sake of tomorrow.
[Greens and yellows and browns there were,
In the springs past.
Nay, they shan’t be again,
For winter approaches fast.]
The fires of man will spread to all the forest green,
Burning as they go- leaving nothing worthy to be seen.
The trees will whither and the skies will darken,
Signs of warning that we did not hearken.
Troublesome have been my thoughts of late,
I’ve dreamt of only darkness and hate.
Seeing shadows cast over what no longer is whole,
Surely our lives will be spent as the toll.
The rivers run dry and the mountain tops shatter,
All because “We didn’t think it would matter.”
Author notes
IT NEEEDS TO BE ENTERED AGAIN!
A contest entry
- Anything. Just Impress Me. by I-Am-Custard.
900 points, ended April 13, 2007, 58 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - 14 and Under: Form Poetry by Max Ritvo.
375 points, ended April 21, 2007, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Show, Don't Tell! by loveisthemoment.
330 points, ended April 11, 2007, 17 entries
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600 points, ended April 18, 2007, 97 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Heartwoods by Golden Guardian.
700 points, ended May 5, 2007, 14 entries
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375 points, ended April 9, 2007, 27 entries
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541 points, ended April 10, 2007, 63 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Give me your absolute best poem by Gypsy-at-Heart.
850 points, ended May 2, 2007, 13 entries
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600 points, ended April 30, 2007, 29 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Anything goes by Beating.
450 points, ended May 1, 2007, 61 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - in need of an ap family! Prewrites allowed (points will rise) by Gasp.
600 points, ended May 9, 2007, 14 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - biggest contest in allpoetry history! (i hope) need 1,000 entries!! by Gasp.
1300 points, ended July 11, 2007, 649 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Be My Muse by Artemis Gem.
1298 points, ended May 23, 2007, 29 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Raven Qualifier - General: Free Verse, Rhyme and Everything Else by Raven Contest.
450 points, ended August 1, 2007, 140 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 22 of 22
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I found this poem quite light to read even though it is about a sad, dark topic, and for me this was brought about by the poem being presented in couplets and the inference of summers light frost in the first line. I think in the second line you might have meant ‘wander’ rather than wonder but if that’s the case then it is an easy mistake to have made and also put right. As I started to read, I thought this was a love poem and was quite surprised to see it unfold as something completely different and so opposite of my first impression.
The thing that struck me most in this poem as being good is the rhyme, which is clean and easy in manner. The story is backed up quite attractively by the use of good imagery in such lines as “Upon the heels of fleeing deer” and “The fires of man will spread to all the forest green” and in general this happens throughout the entire work.
In my opinion, the one area that could use a little work is the flow. As I read the piece out loud I found that some couplets contained a long line followed by a shorter one which tripped me up a little. I’m not a stickler for syllable count as often a particular sentence will sound right without being precise, but with some manipulation the lines could be improved upon. The second thing I noticed about the couplets is that they get longer as the poem proceeds and I feel that lengthening the former ones, rather than shortening the latter ones would be the way to go.
The language used in this piece of work is clear and focused which makes it easy to read and follow, so I didn’t have to waste time looking for hidden meanings in overly complicated and cluttered text. I personally find that a good quality.
Thank you for entering the Raven Contest 2007 and good luck with your entry! Your work may also be viewed by other Raven judges.
Northern Raven
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nicely done! very beautiful
keep it up!
pegleg
I seek the love within our hate,
But have I sought too late?
The grass is harsh and the wind grows cold,
Enlies the problem- our truths enfold.
As swiftly as the blackbird flies,
Our hearts are filled with too many lies.
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love the flow this was great stuf
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...wow! this is amazing! i lvoe this!! the rhyming is amazing! great word usage =p tyvm for entering!!
~!~keep writing~!~
~crazy~ -
It's amazing how some people are just gifted with rhyming. I myself suck at it, because while looking for rhyming words, I loose my insperation and forget what it was I wanted to say. Ha
You did really good in this. I especially love the lines:
"Blinded with greed and crippled by sorrow,
Many now fear for the sake of tomorrow."
I just love those, they are in pure harmony with each other.
The way you ended this poem is just perfect. "All because “We didn’t think it would matter.”". Perfect way of ending, because it leaves the reader with a certain feeling. -
This is a great write, and made me shiver reading it. It flowed for the most part, and was an interesting and captivating read. However, in my opinion, in the second couplet, the length of the second line doesn't quite match the first, and I feel it would benefit a slight change. A little suggestion could be:
"I seek the love within our hate,
But have I sought this love too late?"
All in all a great write. (please could you IM me with your penname please, as it was mentioned in my contest you might not be eligible for a prize otherwise, and i appreciate it might not be possible to put it in the authors comments.) Thanks, and keep penning. take care XxX
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This was a really interesting piece. I liked the story it told and felt that the word choice was done well to create drama and an almost tense atmosphere.
However I did have a problem with the rhythm, and felt that some of the couplets didn't flow as well as some of the others. For example:
"Shallow as the summer’s frost,
I may wonder but I am not lost."
To me when I read that out loud it felt that the second line didn't have the same rhythm as the first and it kind of threw it.
Other than that I thought the poem was very thought and feeling provoking and dramatic. Well done
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hey this was a great poem..it was full of emotion and pain as well..it flowed beautifully and i loved the ending of the poem it was absolutely beautiful
keep writting your talented
~Chrissy~ -
Nice job. Thanks so much for entering and good luck!
Love always,
~musicangel -
Nay, they shan’t be again,
For winter approaches fast.]
You have a lot of talent, that part inparticular did not appeal to me. thank you for entering. whisper -
Deep full of imagrey and emotion. The flow is good and the poem itself was a overall great write. I do not agree that poetry needs to have sylabol counts and rhyming flow and all those rules I really enjoyed the poem
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awesome poem
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Content very deep and filled with excellent imagery. Good luck...mal
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Iron wrought and death betrothed,
Life be mangled, pain be loathed.
I liked those lines alot. No idea why. They just.. set the scene of pain?
As everyone says, the pattern is weird, but it's still nicely done!
Thank you for the entry, and good luck in the contest!
-System of Cyanide
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There is something slightly off with this piece as the flow seems to be jagged in places. The overall feel of the piece is however very strong and the last 2 lines tie the whole thing together perfectly. Thank you for your inspiring entry to my contest and good luck with future writes.
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Those last two lines stood out the most to me; very powerful wording.
I think everything has a nice consistency. There was one line way out of whack with the rest of the stanza, "Greens and yellows and browns there were", but as for the rest of it I don't see a problem with the flow. The rhymes didn't seem forced, nor tedious in my opinion. I think the whole piece was evenly pinned so most of the lines matched each other.
I do feel that if you're going to do a couplets poem, you shouldn't break that structure near the end with a quadruplet-verse. But that's neither here nor there; I don't think it's life or death for the piece.
I loved the wording; it added an air of depth to the poem. Nice structure and phrasing; thank you for entering.
And good luck in all the other contests.
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You need to watch your syllable counts, poetry as steadily rhyming as this needs them to match every time, at least almost.
'Greens and yellows and browns there were,
In the springs past.
Nay, they shan’t be again,
For winter approaches fast.'
I don't know where this stanza came from but it's damaged the poem quite a lot with it's sudden break from pattern, and to no end, since it has no gret windfall or revelation to justify it.
I don't like the way it's set out very much either, I feel those couplet should be grouped, because they seem too stark as they are.
Thankyou for entering.
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awesome write up. I loved the rhythm, rhyme and flow. I usually like to annotate the meanings of the poetry I read, but I just can't with this - for I just enjoyed it too much to do so.
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This was great. I really enjoyed it. The rhyme did not seem forced at all, so it worked here. Good luck in the contest. I love the last two lines because they are amazing and they sum up the poem so well.
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Good write about the unrepairable environmental damage that man has caused and will continue to cause as they spread as locusts across the land. How long we can last will depend on how soon we put a stop to our greed. Good points made in your write and good central images on your theme. Thanks for sharing and good luck in the contest.
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great job. thank you for entering and good luck.
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there is always something about you poems that just gets to me, i like this one but man, keep it flowing
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