Before the sun ceased to give it's light
And the black cloud formed above my head
There was a field of flowers and butterflies
And to happiness, the winding path led
No monsters would come from the closet
No guilt would haunt me at night
There was no pain or suffering
No one ever felt the need to cry
It all seemed so perfect
No burdens weighed on our hearts
Then came the angel of death
And tore our castle apart
The flowers began to wither
The doves turned to crows
Smiles became only a memory
When the sadness started to grow
Searching for a way
To take back my mistake
I knew it was me to blame
For these tears and heartbreak
And so I sat beside my bed
Upon the floor my knees laid
I folded my hands together
And to the Lord I prayed
"I'm sorry for what I made her feel
The position I put her in
I realize the truth about the person I was
And the person that I have been"
"I didn't mean to make her sad, God
To abandon her that way
And I hope that you will tell her
That I wish she would have stayed"
"I know she is in Heaven now
Free of woe and sin
And I hope that one day I will meet her there
In Jesus name, Amen"
Author notes
Jadis Blade (my username)
A contest entry
- ~Go for the Gold~ by -Ink Artist-.
525 points, ended April 1, 2007, 13 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
-
This is a well written piece. I am brought to an emotive climax as the story unfolds. I think you have a very strong piece here, that with just the slightest polishing, would become even better.
Beginning lines 2 & 4 with the word 'and' hinders the quality. Simply omit that word and it adds to the presentation of this write. More times than not, 'and' is of little significance. Read through that stanza again without it and see that nothing is lacking from it not being there.
The lines 5 & 6 in the second stanza, the repetition of the word 'no' is also just a bit much. You could edit the word out by changing it to something like:
Monsters (won't or don't) come from the closet
Guilt (wouldn't or doesn't) haunt me at night
Truly, other than those few things, I don't have much of anything critical to say about this piece. It has a poignancy within that captures the reader. The flow is smooth, Your ending is gripping and strong. Thanks for your entry!
~Lori
Adding your comment:
