Woken abruptly
and dragged from bed,
you packed us into the car.
Confused tears
dampened our cheeks,
dripped on to our nightgowns.
Chilled by the night air,
we resumed our interrupted sleep
under our blankets in the backseat.
You drove, alert eyes
darted down side streets
probed the darkness,
searched for her.
You were convinced we would find her
in another house
in another bed
in another's arms
so you drove, suspicious
of every Blazer parked
and unoccupied. Your jealous eyes
hunted for proof of her treachery,
while we slept, unaffected,
our dreams undisturbed.
Author notes
Note about the ending. I pondered where I wanted to take it, especially after your comment about how I must have been affected because I wrote this poem. However, at the time it happened, I didn't even know what was going on. So, after much thought, I decided to keep the ending the same because, it affects me now that I am old enough to understand what was going on, but then, I truly was unaffected. Hmmm...maybe I will add a follow up stanza at the end or write a companion piece that discusses my feelings now versus then. This edit may not be my final one yet...
In a list
A contest entry
- Enter poems you genuinely want to improve by Danna Hobart.
415 points, ended April 27, 2007, 11 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 18 of 18
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Good Writing
True events make good poems.
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wow
girl this is one of your best work yet you keep it up girl and you made it seem like that this happend to you
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Very unique write, I love the subject and the way you tell a little story. It made me shiver just a tad. Very interesting piece. I enjoyed it thoroughly. I acutally like the ending the way it is, its like, you fell asleep at the end and the poem ends in sudden drop off. If anything, maybe add a stanza about a dream that one would be having on such a drive. Wonderful job on this.
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Honestly, I think the end is fine. you should leave it, it's very effective.
Amazing write. -
Honestly, I think the end is fine. you should leave it, it's very effective.
Amazing write. -
i can see why this won a trophy... shoulda been gold in my opinion
you showed a child's innocence and a man's obsession... all in one short poem. that's pretty durn good
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You did a really good job here..
I can only imagine the bleary scenery as you slept in nightgowns in a car, simply due to jealousy of a parent..
-Danneh<3 -
SUCH A SAD WRITE!!!
It is so sad that the people in the world today are like this. I for one cannot do anything like this. It is these kinds of things that cause so much hurt in the world.
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I love the contrast here as well.
The only moment that seemed a bit off was" "we resumed our interrupted sleep
under our blankets in the backseat."
Great write.. -
Great job on the rework of this piece, I now feel hoe frntic the driver (your Dad) is. Congrats on your silver trophy!
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I have read some of your poems and believe you have real talent. This one is effective since the striking contrast between the hysteria of the driver(dad ?)and the innocent apathy of the kids heightens the dramatic expectation that pulses throughout your poem. The title is symbolic and metaphoric, relating subtly to your tone and theme. camus
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Okay, well, to begin with, I will tell you a little bit about how I critique.
Every time I critique, it is with the idea of making the piece publishable. I base my idea of “publishable” on the things I have learned in college, through independent reading, and through submitting my own work for publication. Your goal may not be to publish though, so take that into consideration when you read the critique. Take what works for you and ignore the rest.
Okay, well, what is going on is perfectly clear. Mom didn’t come home, so Dad packed up the kids, (so they would not be left home alone) and drove around looking for her. It doesn’t sound like he found her.
This is just heartbreaking, and even though I never experienced anything like this as a child, I have driven around looking for some ex-boyfriends, so this really hit me deeply.
We were packed into the car,
resumed our interrupted sleep… Okay, I have had to wake children and pack them into the car before, and it is not usually a pretty scene. They start crying because they are so tired.
We were packed into the car,
cheeks wet with tired tears
but the motion soon lulled us back to sleep
under our blankets in the backseat. … Here is one example of how to show it.
You drove frantically through darkness,… instead of using the adverb “frantically,” can you show it? What does someone who is driving frantically look like? What kinds of movements do they make? Here is an example:
You drove, peering through darkness
into every driveway,
making sudden turns
down strange streets
I am sure you can do better than that. It is just an example.
searched for her.
You were convinced we would find her
in another house
in another bed
in another's arms … I like the way this builds.
so you drove, suspicious
of every Blazer parked
and unoccupied. Your jealous eyes
hunted for proof of her … the way you cut the word treachery off the end of this line ruins the impact of it.
treachery, while we slept, unaffected,
our dreams undisturbed…. were you really unaffected? It made enough of an impression for you to write about it. Can you show the reader what you felt as a child in this situation? I think that is going to be your best bet to really drive the poem home.
Someone I know lived this scene, minus the kids. She got a call from a man who said that her husband was with his wife again, and that he had found his wife’s car, so she met him, and together they waited for her husband to bring the man’s wife back to his car. She was 9 months pregnant. Well, the scene was not a pretty one when the cheating pair was confronted. She went into labor and delivered the baby that night. What an unhappy situation to bring a baby into.
You may consider what would have happened if he had found her. The children definitely would not have continued to sleep peacefully in the back unaffected.
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yes children get involved
in the tragedies of their families unavoidably. many of us have nascent memories of the stresses that we really didn't understand at the time...an impressive write here...depth and intelligence in the writing...PK
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So easy to read so hard to phatom someone taking the kids out trying to find another family member - be it the mother or sister. Kids would take this an an outing, exciting, yet becauase they slept, unafected by the father's anger and distraught. Life goes on, sentiments well expressed in these lines.
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This was nicely done. If I'm right this seems to be about a father with his children in the back, driving and searching for his wife who he suspects of cheating on him. If so, you protayed that nicely. Wonderfully written. Keep on writing. God Bless!
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Nicely written --- forceful
Lady Dragonwyck
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I agree with November, this is a very profound piece while being so juxtaposed between the sleeping children and the jealousy that it comes across quite chillingly and slightly disturbing. But it creates this effect, that can't help but leave you feeling with a sense of serenity- stemming, i think especially from the last lines...treachery, while we slept, unaffected,
our dreams undisturbed.
Brilliant!
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This is sad, and yet almost disturbing...that jealousy would push someone to take their children on such a chase; that the children would not be affected...It happens all the time (perhaps that's what makes it more profound) Well done!
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