Fire licks and teases
bark, rendering ochre
and tan to black.
With a crackle
it creeps.
In a list
A contest entry
- ... In 5lines or in 30 words ... by CianLOVES.
375 points, ended March 21, 2007, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please be honest, whilst stroking my ego is nice it does not help me grow as a writer. If you have any constructive criticism or positive suggestions on how to improve my work please let me know.
Comments
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Quite stirring
Poet (if replier didn't ripple it all away to who you are),
"Savour" seems to be rousing us to see how attractive something is isn't the whole test to any of the senses by quantum leaps.
It starts out a spark's pinch that can't be it appears for flee but regarded as a flea to a puppy, perhaps. So, video game action goes on the danger. The ouch of flame figured in the word "ochre" as afterwards was usefully subtle for the shock of catching on. It slows as to whether the "bark" is of growing dog since that color of the burning can have iron oxide hair analysis!
The charred spots on the oak hues swings us back and forth for certainty, if this is just fireplace hearth or accident that hurts.
The last leaves a limping feeling. You had suddenly seemed straightforward just previously with "crackle" typical of "fire," but now it it could be similar to the yelp of close pets. Maybe I read too much into contest Personal Sad Memories categories while yours is Nature but that can be the focus for such.
So, I think it's a wide poem for 5 lines. One that can be read as an article for sniffles if sensitive to deeper meaning than just feet by the scene. But pawa by the Pa maybe savouring without unaware vulnerable to an animal like young.
I hope you find me overboard then as my evaluating feelings fall on the side at least to spotlight this,
Carolyn -
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Wow, and I thought all I was writing about was fire! Your comments and evaluation are greatly appreciated.
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Short and succinct, just how I like it. "Ochre".. Good word.
Definitely needs a more creative title.
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Point taken, just being lazy. Changed title to Savour.
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