She was beautiful, an angel with dark shiny hair.
I loved to hold and cuddle her, of time I was not aware.
Yet suddenly it became to much and I didn't have a clue.
Being only 18 old don't help, that much I can tell you.
I went and asked for help one day cause I was feeling low.
The doctor said, go home, be a mum and take it really slow.
So I thought that I just had to deal and a failure I was to be,
No-one could see the deep depression that lived inside of me.
P.N.D they call it, makes you do all wierd things.
Made me feel insane and unable to cope with what life brings.
One day I needed to curl up and die cause the baby wouldn't stop crying
I really couldn't shift the thought that they'd be better of with me dying.
My husband beat me yet again cause she cried all bloody night,
'SORRY' I screamed it not my fault I just can't get it right.
He hated that we had a girl cause he wanted a little boy.
He only held her when people were there, just like a little toy.
One day I went out for a little break and soon returned back home,
my husband, the baby and some of her things were gone, so I picked up the phone!
Soon he was there with the CID and social workers too,
he lied and told them I hit her and that I had lost a screw.
They took my beautiful precious girl, gone for ever you see.
I did have access twice a week to show that a mum I could be.
They didn't like my tattooed arms and my coping skills in life.
I had been abused as a kid you see and was never taught what's right.
After a few months of visits they said it was best she stay there.
So a new mum and dad my daughter got, I got a lock of hair.
Every day I have mourned for her and my heart is broke it two.
But 17 years later worse was to come, it's all just gone askew!
My daughter that they took from me cause I was 'a bad mum'
cuts her arms and drinks a lot and causes her self harm.
They have made her hate me and twisted up her head,
instead of telling her the truth, they lied to her instead!
I found her accidently on a place called deviant art,
they think that I had traced her, but I'm not that bloody smart.
We talked a few times on that site, then I realised who she was,
I didn't mean to scare her, but they all made such a fuss.
They told her I was dangerous and mean and spiteful too,
but I'll tell you now, they don't know me or even what is true!
If I was who they said I was, would I not have played a game?
carried on talking to her and pretended, just for my own gain!
I know her life would be better if she chose to know me now,
I am not the person I used to be, I want to make it up, but how?
I know that times a healer and one day she may make that call,
Until then I am broken hearted and no-one cares at all.
Author notes
This is about my baby girl. I was 18 when I had her and I really couldn't cope. I had a violent husband who slept around and I know I had Post Natal Depression!
I asked for help and it all got used against me. When they took her I had an awful time, they wanted something from me, but no-one would tell me what. The only parental skills we ever have are the ones used on us, which at that age I still thought was the norm!!
Anyway, i tried to change and do what they wanted and nothing made a difference.
In the end they decided that she should stay with the foster family that wanted to adopt her. I do have records that say this is the 'ONLY' reason that she should be adopted cause these people had fostered her for 10 months.
So that was that!!
She is now 17, I think about her every day, EVERY DAY!!
I always light a candle on her birthday, and I now have 3 other kids!! which if I was who they say I was, then I would not have them!
When I was on deviant art trying to find people from the UK I came across a few people and talked to them all. Then after a few days I read their profiles cause it seemed more important to find out about them if we were going to be friends and I saw her name!!!
I told her straight away who I was as I didnt want to lie, I wanted her to have a choice. So she chose to tell me to leave her alone and that I was an inconvenience in her life!! I guess that should have hurt, but a part of me is being told that it wasn't her writing those words!
I wish she knew the truth... I have dreams that my girl hurts herself and is very unhappy. I was told by someone who knows her that she has been told I am dangerous and horrible. Why would someone abuse their adopted child by making them hate the place that they come from, hate the blood that flows through her veins. All thats happened here is that back then things were different. Social services had a quota to fill, I became a part of that and lost my daughter. There is nothing dangerous about that.
God I have done counselling and I am writting a book. I am a jewellery designer and I help everyone I meet!!
I am spiritual and live by firm beliefs (not religious). I am an animal rights activist and a veggie. I have 3 wonderful kids and all are healthy and happy. The only reason I am dangerous is because I have the truth.
The good thing is I know who I am and so do the people that love me!! All i have EVER wanted is for my daughter to meet me so she has a FULL picture of who she is so that she never has to feel broken!!
Maybe she doesn't want to hurt her 'mum', I would do it in secret if she wanted to hurt no-one!!
OH WELL!!! What can I do? all I know is that the truth comes out in the end!! I just hope that the courts got it right and I hope they didn't mess her up!
I would never put her mother down. That is her mum, I know that. I would always respect her realtionship with her mum. I would never want her to be afraid to find me, but I know that isn't returned.
I just know with the core of my soul, that her life would be better with me in it!!
A contest entry
- *** Untitled Contest *** by Hebz.
425 points, ended September 21, 2007, 74 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Anything and Everything!!! Having Writers Block!!!! by Xxdeepdarkcradlexx.
380 points, ended October 25, 2007, 16 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 43 of 43
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wow really deep i loved the whole thing. What a cruel man your husband was how could he have done that i think he was matter than a hat Keep on hoping and one day it will come she will come see her real mum remeber keep hope you know who you are you are not all those horrible things and if ppl cant se that forget them just keep hoping and praying she will come to learn on her own that you love her and miss her she will come home
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excellent write
terribly painful.
maybe you should send her your story? maybe she will understand at some point in her life
excuse her for not getting it now. you were also not so aware when you were young and postnatal. she just feels lost. give her time. don't push. life has a tendency to work itself out sometimes. i hope at least.
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Oh my and Wow what a write this is and I've always say the true raw life always makes the best reads I was entangled in this write I must be honest I don't read long writes but this had me from the start and I can only say I hope and wish the best for both of you this really tugged at the heartstrings many peace and blessings for you
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Awww, that is so sad! I can tell you put your heart into this, and that you took time to show the reader how much you cared. I can clearly tell that it isn't your fault about what happened. Maybe someday your daughter will see this and realize that the lies aren't true. Great work!
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Wow, I loved it
this is a fantastic write and you can tell it comes from the heart, you are a loving mother and even though she may not know you, she knows she is loved by you. One day you will be reunited with your daugter and im sorry you had to go through all that. thanks for your entry and best of luck x x
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Thankyou so much for your kind words. It means a lot.
~K~
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So Emotional
Wow, such a great write. I'm so sorry for all you've been through and how people have made you something your not. I wish you all the best and hope that you and your daughter are reunited one day.
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Thankyou so much for your kind words. I really appreciate it. I hope she will want to know the truth oneday.
~K~ xxx
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U R a GR8 MOM
Wow!! Great write!!
Thnx for entering & best of luck
GloriousGift
Heba -
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Thankyou so much for your kind words.
Much appreciated.
~K~ xx
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WOW
this is an amazing poem!Defintly one of my favorite i have ever read! I am soo sorry! This touched me so much! I think that one day she'll come and meet you and realize how great you are! This is a wonderful, heart-touching poem! Please keep writing! -
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Thnkyou so much for taking the time to read. I appreciate it. I hope she does come to meet me. ~K~
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that was beautiful...my mom has to read this story...I appreciate her a thousand times more now...reading your story makes me want to get to know you...and it makes me love my mom that much more...I'm adding this to my favorites list...please, if you get this comment send me a message...I really want to get to know you...You have such a way with words...and you have the emotion and a great story to tell...well done...not just for the poem...
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Hey there thanku for the comment. I appreciate it very much. Glad it touched you ... Feel free to message me any time.
~K~
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what a journey and what a story...
i don't think i blinked once...I
applaud your courage and the strength
it must take to wear your shoes...
we'll say a little prayer...
Lane
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Thanku so much for your comment I appreciate it very much ~K~
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i loved your poem very sad and good. and im sorry for what happend, and i hope everything gets better for you.. goodluck :-)
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Thankyou for your comment I appreciate it. Many Thanks
Kat x
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beautiful and so sad
what a sad story...i am so sorry for your situation. Maybe when she is a little older or has a child of her own, she will come around. I loved your poem...keep writing
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Thankyou for your comment and sorry for my delay in replyint. I appreciate your kind words.
Kat x
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I really liked your poem, it was very very moving.
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Thankyou so much for reading and commenting on my poem.
I appreciate it.
K xx
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Wow this was incredibly intense. Knowing it came from personal hurt and sadness makes it all that more poignant. Thank you for sharing this. I lost a daughter but not by means such as this but the hurt and pain of still not having that child cuts through a body like a knife on a daily basis when I hear someone with her name, or see a newborn baby that i think looked like her. Again Thank you.
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Firstly I am sorry for your loss and yess its cuts so deep for ever!!
I have 3 kids now and It makes me miss her more, knowing I missed out!!
Thank you for your comment. I really appreciate it!!
K xx
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Oh gosh.
Oh gosh, this is beautifully rhymed and written yet so sad. I hope everything works out for you and please comment on my poem.
Thanks,
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Thankyou so much for your wonderful comment!!
I glad you liked it. I loved your poem.
K xx
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This is fantastic, certainly shows adoption from the other side of the story. Too many adoptees, myself included, tend to think the worst about the reasons why, and many ARE lied to. Luckily, I wasn't one of them, any details of it were just not discussed with me and I never really felt the need to ask.
DeviantArt...now there is a site I haven't been on in a long time...
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Thankyou for your comment, sorry I didn't rely before, so many comments...
I appreciate it much.
Kat x
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This is so so so so sad. Like with my girlfriend, she knows what happened to her, like you, but she at least read her records and she knows her mum and dad would not have behaved like that unless they had problems. Do you think your daughter read her records?? Are you in the UK??
WOW I hope you find your daughter again and I hope she wants to know you. Just this alone should let someone know you love them. The system was crap until the new laws came out in 1991 and by then for my GF it was too late.
Good luck.
Pho xx -
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Hello thankyou for your comment. I dont know if she ever read her records, but I can tell you it will say I was mouthy and violent!! I was 18 and a survivour of abuse!! This matters a lot. I just hope she meets me before she ever meets my family, cause I dont talk to them because they never believed that I was abused! So I left my home town and am moving on!! sad but true.
I hate what they did, but I cannot change it or make my daughter see the truth!!
Thanks again.
xxx
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breathtaking...im speechless
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Thankyou so much for your comments I really do appreciate it.
Kat x
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*shakes her head bawling* what's her name on deviantart? i'm not going to do anything....i just wanna know. kat...i would take her place for you but...it's not the same and you probably don't want me anyway. but, if it was the same, i'd let u be my mom. i want u to but that wont help at all and i know that. just so you know, I love you. I love you a lot. Probably more than you think or know...but i do love you a lot. you've helped me a lot and saved me. and I love you for it. *hugs you* and i'm so sorry....
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Hunny I would have you as my daughter in a heart beat.. I really would. I love you, your a very very special young lady. You got dealt a terrible blow, but I know your going to survive.
You are a shinning star, dont ever forget that.
Love and Hugs
Kat xx -
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I wish i could be but i cant cuz...i have a family...kinda.
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I feel for you , this poem made me cry. Don't give up hope maybe someday she will come around, when she grows up a little more and starts living life on her own, I'm sure she will begin to wonder about her real mother. Curiosity is human nature and it may give you your daughter back and I hope it does. Good Luck
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Thankyou so so much for your comment. I hope she comes back to me soon. It hurts without her and I KNOW i can make a difference in her life.
Thankyou for your kind thoughts
Kat x
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That's so sad. I hate stories like that, it reminds me of one of my friends but she doesn't hate her mom. She distrusts social workers, just like so many of my friends do, and I have my own reasons. I'm sorry to hear she didn't want to talk to you and she believed the stories, but I'm sure one day she'll decide to contact you again. Maybe when she's older and has a kid of her own and finally begins to understand.
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Thankyou so much for your kind words.. It eats me up, I love my kids, more than life itself... I just want her to meet me once and follow her heart about who I am..
Her parents say I am dangerous, I am dangerous cause I hold the truth!!!
Anyways thanks for reading and your kind comment.
KAt x
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Wow thats so sad, so ful of deep emotions and feeling, my heardt goes out to you and your daughter. Im so sorry you have to deal with such a awful thing.
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Many Thanks for your comment it is much appreciated, Thankyou for reading.
Kat x
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Oh, that is so sad! I'm sorry that you had to go through something so awful... I will keep you and your daughter in my prayers.
God bless,
Laura -
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Thankyou so much for your kind comments and your prayers.
Much appreciated.
Kat x
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