Today is the day you moved away
from me to a new place so far
from here to somewhere where there is
sand and sun, alligators
and sin these are the places
that you are now within.
You left me behind in the
cold north promising to
return but did you care?
did you no, you never
came back, never came home
to claim what was yours.
The me I use to be instead
of the woman I have now become
I learn to be the soulless one
that you would no longer recognize
dark and dreary lost and alone
drained of all emotion of all fear
of all hope and all cares now
I am the deepest darkest part of
you and your the reason I became
what I am now at deaths door.
Author notes
I kind of just freewrote whatever came to mind hope you like it cuz I think it suxs but yeah well there it is.
In a list
A contest entry
- Ready for # 6? by poetryality.
925 points, ended March 20, 2007, 17 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
-
Tragic
It was from the heart! I know this was probably from a love that left you behind...but it reminded me of the first time I was abandoned in my life-by my father when I was three years old. That was my first love, and it felt very similar to this:
"you left me behind in the
cold north promising to
return but did you care
did you no you never
came back never came home
to claim what was yours,"
and I became like this:
"I learn to be the soulless one
that you would no longer recognize
dark and dreary lost and alone
drained of all emotion of all fear"
Thank you, dear one for sharing this moving piece and being so truthful and forthcoming with such raw feeling! This spoke from the depths of the soul...
Just polish it up a little...the spelling, etc. (minor things), AND IT IS A MASTERPIECE.
-
This poem doesn't suck but it does need some editing. For instance;
"Today is the day you moved away from me
to a new place so far from here
[]where there is sand and sun, alligators and sin
[T]hese are the places that you are now within
[Y]ou left me behind in the cold north
promising to return but did you care
[D]id you
[N]o you never came back
never came home to claim what was yours
the me I use to be
[I]nstead of the woman I have now become
I learn[ed] to be the soul-less one
that you would no longer recognize
[D]ark and dreary lost and alone
drained of all emotion of all fear
of all hope and all cares
[N]ow I am the deepest darkest part of you
and you['re] the reason I became
what I am now
at deaths door"
Try to be consistent. Even when writing in free-write find a way to edit. If you are going to use punctuation do that throughout. If not, don't use it anywhere except possibly commas within sentences.
I felt your sentiments. The elements of a sorrowful existence is well defined in this work. My only discouragement was the run on sentences. Even in free verse we must be aware of where the line breaks should occur.
Thanks for the time spent to enter my challenge. I wish you well.
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This is a very good write. You've expressed your emotions very well. Wishing you all the best in the contest. Great job.
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