Light
Shines down
From the sky
Lighting the plain
In which I now stand
So bleak and desolate
But at least now I can see
I shall move forever forward
Keep trudging through this barren wasteland
Until I find what I've been searching for
A way back to the world of the living
There must be a rift or opening
That I could possibly sneak through
But it all still looks the same
In every direction
On the horizon
The sun now sets
The light fades
And then
Night
Author notes
This is option 1B. Just something I wrote for a contest. I wanted to try a new style and this one seemed interesting to me. I love forms that have to do with syllables.
A contest entry
- ~It Doesn't Get Any Easier Than This~ by -Ink Artist-.
525 points, ended April 13, 2007, 56 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Honest Critiques by Pollycheck.
450 points, ended May 14, 2007, 67 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Etheree Me Please (Contest) by Paloszoo.
625 points, ended October 6, 2008, 20 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
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Darn, please recount your syllables in every line. Sorry, I had to pull you from the finalists. Bummer! Still, this was great!
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Oh, I just love this. I can really relate to its deep metaphoric meaning. You've done well with this!! Thanks for entering my contest. I’m honored that you would show your work here. Keep up the great work!
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I read this as a metaphor for someone trying to break through grief or depression. It's a well sustained metaphor.
"But everything still looks the same" "everything" has at least 3 syllables, so this line has at least 8 syllables.
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Good Effort
The structure of this poem is very appealing to me, I am thinking about making a poem with a different structure and it is nice to see the creativity displyed here...s far as the poem goes, i think it is very dark but I hae to be honest i didn't really understand it...is the protaganist in the darkness trying to escape? I would really like to know...it is a very entertaining poem keep up the good work -
Thank you for subjecting yourself to my review. I like the subject matter of this poem, but I think that you may have messed up the syllable count in the following area:
A way back to the world of the living
There must be a rift or opening
That I could possibly sneak through
But everything still looks the same
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Nicely done Etheree. Your lines are rich with emotion. The presentation on the page is somewhat less structured than typically triangular design, but the syllable count was correct and the meaning translated quite well. Thanks for your entry!
~Lori -
Good!
Hello. I enjoyed your poem. The structure was very interesting as was the concept. Good job.
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Nice, I liked it, You've got an interesting depth, and for a first time writing this style I'd have to say you did an amazing job. Whats making me wonder is the interpritation behind this, This can be interprited many ways, what I got out of it, is that you feel like your spiritualy stuck, no matter which direction you go, you cannot find what your searching for, is so, what is releaced, is what is gained. Or you can interprit this more in an fantacy style, but the emotion behind it I believe rules out fantacy.
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Hello! This is an interesting poetry form, very cool to look at. The poem itself is interesting. I like how the beginning and the end rhyme and oppose each other. If the wandering sould walks long enough through the wasteland, maybe it will find a door. I hope it does !!
-Meg
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I hope it does too. I was actually thinking of adding to this sometime. It's a hard form to continue any further though. I shall try.
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Nioce....
Poor little soul...couldn't get back in...how sad. Well this poem is well written, and has good flow. I like the idea of a wondering soul, and I love that damn double etheree...so cool. Good Luck in the contest. Thanks for sharing. Love and Peace, Charlene. -
this ones pretty good. not too shabby for trying a different form. i love how things turn back to night at the end of the poem. nice touch.
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Nice awakening..that is what I felt while reading this poem...starting over..a new begining...well done, thanks for sharing
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oops! i have read this and did not mean to waste your points. i am sorry. viyanna rosemarie
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It's alright. Don't worry about it.
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i like the etheree form. it can be challenging. you have done well and i wish you the best of luck in this contest which you have entered. viyanna rosemarie
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Great visual and wonderful write.
Well said.
Well done.
Loved it.
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