It was a simple as breathing-
air filling your lungs
And crying was as easy as it was to speak
Eyelashes overlaped bloodshot eyes
but bangs covered those too
for to let anyone see traces of her pain
was just like letting herself die
Technically we should call this a suicide
but technically shes not dead-
-yet-
Colored braclets covered her tiny-teenage-wrists
showing no agony or hatred
Even though if you saw her without her cover upps
You'd know she cries
And if you ever see her cry
You'd see that everything isn't always happily ever after
-and blood is as valuable as dirt-
Author notes
sad.
its crappy.
about myself..or maybe someone else?
♥
A contest entry
- Stagger Me with Description by Ontarah.
550 points, ended March 25, 2007, 22 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - dirty pretty by iconoclast-.
303 points, ended April 19, 2007, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Anything. Just Impress Me. by I-Am-Custard.
900 points, ended April 13, 2007, 58 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - & At Least Things Aren't Worse ♥ Show Me Dirty Pretty Please |x| by xxRainbowDawnxx.
300 points, ended April 7, 2007, 29 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
-
Sounds a bit like me as well... Something I think a lot of people around our age can see in themselves and relate to. I feel I am fading and I am nothing and though many different things are going on, they all feel the same. Dragging me down to lowerness.
-
First, little typo errors: 'Overlapped', not overlaped, 'Bracelets', not braclets, 'Ups', not upps.
I didn't like the word 'bangs' in this, it's too conversational a word for your subject.
Other than those little bits I quite liked this, the breaks you used were quite nice and though I don't like the subject of suicide in poetry you dealt with it very well.
Thank you for entering -
i really liked this poem. the only problem i had with it wasn't even in the poem it was in your "Author Notes" when you said "it's crappy". sure the feelings might be crappy cause we'd all love to just be happy and never feel any pain, but as in talent wise i thought it was very well and shows you've got some talent here. i just don't like it when people say something is crap i think if you wrote it you should be proud of it. anyways a great poem and keep up the good work
Jonny
-
hey darling
oh, I like this one.
striking, sweetheart.
a few lines took my breath away.
such as:
'And if you ever see her cry
You'd see that everything isn't always happily ever after
-and blood is as valuable as dirt'
great piece
best of luck in the contest! -
I do like the idea that she isn't technically dead yet but she might as well be like she died on the inside a long time ago. I also like the idea of how much she does to try to hide her eyes to avoid anyone seeing her pain. And the "tiny-teenage wrists" bit also raises a subtle question. Is she on heroine or anorexic or just skinny? Who knows but it makes you wonder. Overall a nice write. Thanks for entering and good luck.
-
I love it! everything clicked with each other making it soo much better. and the topic, i just love, personally
. anyways, great job here. Love it all
-
Technically we should call this a suicide
but technically shes not dead-
-yet-
i absolutely adore that line.
♥
beautiful && sad.
&& that's why i like it.
-
"It was a simple as breathing-
carbon dioxide filling your lungs "
PERFECT beginning!
-
no no no, not crapp.y great. good job hunny, i like this alot.
-
this is not crappy
its FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC
Technically we should call this a suicide
but technically shes not dead-
-yet-
I love it<33333
♥
Adding your comment:
1 - 10 of 10
