From the river flows silver streams
Cool, refreshing plasmas of graceful water
Bringing with it rolling sounds of peace
And a taste of purity and calm
Sitting on the shore of this blue, beauty stricken body
Thinking of the aquatic, gilled children skiming in the weeds
Diving to the depths of the dark based water
Touching the sand and rocks, they're lodged between my nails
Looking over the hills I'll see the ocean
With a crimson horizon and violet edged shores
Calmly you glide with the tides of the sea
Your waves lap up on the shores of rocky sands
~Kaitlin
A contest entry
- Elements -- 4 Round Contest by Ryno.
300 points, ended March 28, 2007, 12 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
-
"Of cool, refreshing plasmas of graceful water"
The double usage of 'of' should be fixed in this line.
This is good, but I would try experimenting with line breaking.
For example;
"Sitting on the shore of this blue, beauty stricken body
Thinking of the aquatic, gilled children skiming in the weeds"
turned into
"Sitting on the shore of this
blue, beauty-stricken
body.
Thinking of the aquatic-gilled c
hildren,
skimming in the weeds"
It would add so much to your poem.
I thought this was interesting, but enjoyable, and I Thank-You for entering my contest. I wish you good luck.
~Ryan~ -
ok!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i love nature it is so mysterious.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.! -
interestin' Kaitlin... with all your poems you always have this deep message.... u didnt disappoint me with this one
-
love.love it
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