I don't feel too deserving
since you've tossed my love aside.
So with this knife in hand
I'll attempt my suicide.
Please don't try to stop me,
for your wish will now come true.
I'll lay there, blood dripping, in the attic,
since I'm no good for you.
You said it yourself
I was desperate for attention.
Now you'll tell of my self-murder
and how you offered your affection.
I don't want your pity,
or your spiteful sarcasm either.
I'll be buried in the cemetary
before you even come home for Easter.
I'm useless and unwanted
so I'll just make this the end.
You could have saved me from this depression
but not a single hand would you lend.
Author notes
Words used: Knife, Suicide, Blood, Dripping, Attic, Desperate, Murder, Useless, Spiteful, Buried, Cemetary, Depression.
A contest entry
- my first word bank yeah by x Bright Eyes x.
450 points, ended April 5, 2007, 12 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - depressed by serenity silvermoon.
450 points, ended April 4, 2007, 39 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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i like it;;
I like it;;; it sounds like my thoughs so long ago, at the age of 14, when my brother stop me,bye coming in my room,, was close,, vary good job,,,
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I liked it...and very convincing. I really felt the anguish of the person experiencing this and wanting to end it all, mainly to get even with the other person.
This poem had good balance and rhyme, and usage of vocabulary. The title was effective and tied in perfectly with the written piece.
The first and last stanzas left me with the sense of futility...that one word of comfort from the person that contributed to this depression, would have prevented the suicide. A little manipulative...but aren't we all!?
The very last stanza was good, but a tiny bit awkward...
actually, the last two lines;
"You could have saved me from this depression
but not a single hand would you lend."
Maybe, take out the word "depression", (that's already obvious) and the word, "single" because it's not necessary.
Example:
"You could have saved me from this,
but not a hand hand would you lend."
Just a suggestion, and I thought the whole poem was great with a good flow to it! Good luck in the contest!!
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sad
this was very sad because it reminds me of the fact mine and my boyfriends 1 year anaversity is easter and i wont be with him because i'm going to stay with my brother and i only get to see him for christmas and easter and my boyfriends is suicidel i hope he doesnt do this to me thanks for sharing and God Bless DI
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hi i thought this was good and the flow was very good too thanks for entering and good luck in the contest
M
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good job for the words you were given.nice poem,like most of my friends,they write alot of emo poems.good luck in the contest
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This is really a sad, dark write. I can relate to this, as I have felt like this before. I like the use of "my self murder" interestng way to put it. Great write!!
Wyatt xoxox
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I like it, it's very dark and true to what everyone says about self harm
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Good flow, I like some of your re-aliterations such as "my self murder" Makes in interesting to read.
I also fully fathom your words, and the possibility of being saved, but it not coming through when you need it most.
"You could have saved from this depression" are you missing "me" from this?
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