I am lost within your world
You carried me forward
Offering me the riches of your realm
Giving splendour to our sensations
We created perfection...
Feasting on the meat of satisfaction
I yearn for more
For, your world can not justify my cravings
Nor, feed the desires of my soul
I need, to exhume my being from the clutches of your heart
Run free without contaminating your kingdom
whilst admiring the lust of my fantasies
Giving birth once again
whilst
Obliterating, my transparent soul
A contest entry
- Original Tears by I-Am-Custard.
600 points, ended April 22, 2007, 18 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 32 of 32
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beautifully written with imagery and emotion. your words flowed beautifully on the page. well done and congrats on the bronze
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this was really pretty...i liked the imagery and the bold feelings put forth in this write...great job
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ooo this is a good write and yay another shiny lol. this is a pretty poem whilst some parts dont seem to work well it still creates a fantastic image in my mind. and i love the pic you have with this
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Beautifully written, strong ending, great flow...I have nothing but compliments for this piece. Congrats on your bronze trophy but I think it deserved so much more!
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Congratulations on Bronze
Makes me think of the movie City of Angels while reading this write.You have penned it so well.Your write makes the picture strong and powerful.
Blessings
~Cheryl~
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I see this has already deservedly won a trophy, I like it a lot, not usually a fan of free verse but this is excellent, your vocabulary and flow is pretty much spot on...so well done. Thank you for entering and, of course, good luck! x take care x
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Congratulations on the bronze. I love the other worldly atmosphere and the strong emotions you convey with you words. The last line is particularly powerful.
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Much better and a lot more consistent now, thank you.
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Nice use of freeverse here, very well formed with a nice rhythm to carry the poem. The title 'lost' is a bit of a cliche, perhaps something mroe original, maybe a line from the poem itself, would draw the readers in, maybe 'We created Perfection' or 'Admiring the Lust'... those were both lovely lines by the way.
I didn't like the last 2 lines though, you have a lovely vocabulary and a way of describing things, but those lines were too simple and lacked impact, perhaps something more emotive than 'I am lost'?
Thank you for entering. -
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title has been changed and last 2 lines replaced.. hope this reads better for you xxx
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Sorry Laura I meant to say 'engaging poem that fuels the imagination not engages - A good read.
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A touch of individuality and flair - Well Done!!!
A simple but very reflective and engaging poem that engages the imagination - The structure and shape forces you to pause at the end of each line without the need for the appropriate punctuation that would overwise force those rests of pauses. Laura - Jay777
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Nice emotions spent here poet. I can feel the remorse. Very simple but in-depth. Thank you ever so much for the time spent to enter my challenge. I wish you all the best!
Much Love ♥
Renee
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Very nice
Very nice...sad but a great write...loved it
JB
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thanks love xxx
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orrhh thanks glad you liked xxx
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Thats sad, that poor doggy all alone! In the snow too!
I read this as if the dog is writing the poem and the owner has gone, I felt the dogs pain.
I had in my mind that the owner had a heart attack in the snow and died and the dog, being a faithful creature, sits waiting in the snow with its lead in its mouth.
Great poem, made me feel sad, but its that precise skill, to make someone feel emotion, that is the sign of a poem well written.
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thanks love glad you liked xxx
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Excellent
There is so much implied in the writing
I have read 4 times and still having other thoughts revealed
This is a gift in crafting Verse
Much said in few words, Love the yearning
Rick
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thanks love xxx
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Lovely write from you indeed.
All the best to you with this
Gaylene
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lol cheers love cute isnt he xxxx
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Nawr that doggy is so cute, goes well with the poem as well. Nicely written and awesome poem.
Good luck in the contest u entered. -
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yeah great pic isnt it lol and thanks love xxx
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This is awesome! I love the picture. Excellent work on this one. Good luck in the contest!
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thank you so much love xxx
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I like this as a whole. My favorite part is the 2nd stanza. I read it as taking in life together, sharing as one, and then releasing it as love. I get a lot of meaning from the lines you write. Thanks for sharing this.
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thanks xxxxxxxx
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ENDEARING
This is so very Beautifully written. The darkening
scares me as I wait for you. POWERUL!! I love it!!
written by a Beautiful Person. Thank You
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nooo thank you xxx
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This is an emotional piece laura... moving some what, but beautifuly presented... passionatly expressed. I hope all is cool for you laura. This is a great write laura... good luck in the contest.
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orhhh thanks sweetheart xx
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