You spoke of lyrics forgotten in time;
how could I be so naïve?
They never meant anything
the hollow words.
You sang me a song of a broken heart
as if it was your own.
I never saw the truth behind
the hollow words.
You kept repeating I was your very own
in this shallow world.
I believed all that as true,
the hollow words.
But now that time has passed me by
there are no more lyrics.
No more song to sing or
the hollow words.
Only me in the corner of your lost soul,
singing my own song.
I was the song you wrote
with hollow words.
© Jay H.
March 18, 2007
Author notes
#7. Entry in the contest:
"WOW Me 2" by Lactar Wolfgang
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#6. Entry in the contest:
"a contest for poets with thick skin." by Drunk on Starlight
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#5. Entry in the contest:
"Round Contest!! Anything goes this first round." by FightOffYourDemons
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#4. Entry in the contest:
"LUCKY # 7" by poetryality
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#3. Entry in the contest:
"Give Me Your Personal Best #4 (Prewrites Allowed)" by aGent Lemon
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#2. Entry in the contest:
"when passion is enough" by KeeperOfTheNight
--> Gold trophy winner
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#1. Entry in the contest:
"One Day Duel" by MuddyKing
--> Bronze trophy winner
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A contest entry
- One Day Duel by MuddyKing.
300 points, ended March 19, 2007, 9 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - when passion is enough by KeeperOfTheNight.
600 points, ended March 28, 2007, 15 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Give Me Your Personal Best #4 (Prewrites Allowed) by aGent Lemon.
360 points, ended March 26, 2007, 33 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - LUCKY # 7 by poetryality.
1000 points, ended March 24, 2007, 21 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Round Contest!! Anything goes this first round. by FightOffYourDemons.
300 points, ended April 7, 2007, 47 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - a contest for poets with thick skin. by duke of balabamas.
300 points, ended April 14, 2007, 24 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - WOW Me 2 by Lactar Wolfgang.
425 points, ended April 1, 2007, 16 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Tell me what you think and be truthful; I don't break.
Comments
1 - 24 of 24
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you filled those hollow words full with many thoughts and much emotion to fill the mind of the reader...really enjoyed it
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I'm glad that you enjoyed it. Hollow words can be filled with a lot of things if you listen careful enough. Thanks for your words and the comment; they mean a lot to me.
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Wonderful write
I find myself asking how much of what we are is really us and how much is something we have adopted because we wish it were a part of us.
This is very thought provoking.
Good write.
CaliOkie.
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You're really good at picking the poems that aren't my usual self... lol
And you're right. I guess we just take the things our surroundings have to offer and make them a part of ourselves. But the true us, it's always hidden somewhere in between. It's a talen to find that part.
Thanks again for your words and the comment; they really do mean a lot to me!
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I am not very good at free verse, although I am not even sure if this is how you would describe your work. But anyway, I think this one is a masterpiece. I enjoyed reading it so much. Well done
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I'm very glad you like it. There are a few things I'd like to change in it but I like it the way it is now. Thank you for your kind words and the comment; they mean a lot ot me!
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"Only me in the corner of your lost soul,
singing my own song.
I was the song you wrote
with hollow words."
Many can write songs for us, but the most important song, the truth of who we are, is our own song. Excellent write, poet! Gold and bronze were well deserved!
...JustBreathe
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I agree. It's our own songs that matter the most because only we know for sure what we want to hear in those songs.
Thank you for your kind words and the applause. This is a rahter "old" poem from the ones I've written so it was fun reading it again... There's still things that could be done better but I guess I'll settle with this now.
Thank you for your words; they mean a lot to me!
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ill go ahead and jump too it.
the content was fine. nothing spectacular, but you chose an interesting idea to pen. i really would have liked to see the emotion more than just hear you tell me about it.
imagery was very very lacking. you relied on your musical central image, and it was a lot weaker than it could have been. the danger of a poem that works around one central image is that the image has to have punch or the poem bombs.
be careful about your beginning lines for stanzas. as soon as i opened this, i saw "you...you...you." if you choose to start off each stanza like that, it needs to be consistent throughout.
the main problem i have with the piece is its overall wordiness. not only are the first lines all much longer than the later ones, but lines like "You kept repeating I was your very own" could be simplified into: you repeated i was yours, and be much more effective. the lines were made too complicated. direct lines work much much better in short pieces. you need to get to the point.
overall, the poem was not bad, but it could be called a poorly executed old idea, earning a 35/100.
DS -
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I appreciate your honesty greatly. I know I still have a lot to learn when it comes to poetry and I am learning by each day. I appreciate people like you who tell me straight what you think; it gives me an idea what I should learn better. I'm fairly new into free verse writing, as I mainly write with rhymes so this didn't become as good as it could've; I agree with you on that. But unfortunately, there are only so little things a person can learn at one sitting. Maybe one day, when I have more experience in the world of poetry. Until that day, I can only listen to people like you and take in as much as I can.
Thank you for your truthful comment; it means the world to me
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I like this poem it flowed nicely. The repeated lines works in this poem. This wa a great write thank you for entering the contest
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I'm glad you liked this piece. Thank you for your kinds words; they mean a lot to me.
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Often repeated lines make me lose focus in a poem but these worked well. I like the feeling of this writ. It seemed to spill over from a hurting but sincere heart. Well written and effortlessly fluid flow here poet. Thank you for the time spent to enter my challenge. I wish you the very best.
Much Love ♥
Renee
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I'm very glad you like this piece. Thank you for your kind words; they do mean a lot
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thank you for entering my conest i appreciate the time and effort put into this.
this poem is amazing thank you so much for allowing me to read this. -
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Thank you
I'm very glad you like this piece. Thank you for your kind words; they mean a lot to me
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Definitely a winner; the repeating line was very effective! Congratulations!
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Thank you
I'm very glad that you like this piece. I'm glad that the trie with the repeat worked, as it bothered me at first. I worked hard to make it flow and I'm glad I managed in that.
Thank you for your words and your comment, it means a lot to me
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this one made me read it over and over...loved the repetitive line and the meaning behind it
contender
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Thank you
I'm glad you liked it. Thank you for your kinds words, they mean a lot to me
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So Sad
A tangled web of lies that leaves a heart broken.Lyrics without a tune.An emotional write, written from the heart, Ros -
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smile
Thank you for your kinds words. I'm glad this piece came out as I was hoping it to.
Thanks again for your kind words and your comment; they mean a lot to me.
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I really like this.. much better than mine..lol.
Great write and good luck!!
Angie -
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Thank you
I'm glad you like this piece. I still have to say I liked yours better but I guess that's a battle we might take on for a long time.
Thank you again, your words mean a lot to me.
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