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she

all that chokes away sight
all that clenches in the throat
all that banishes touch
        to distant reaches of the aether
that which flattens the curves
that which shouts down the symphony
that which incarcerates the scent
        within tightly sealed falsehood
her grace permeated these
her glow raced up my spine
her essence quenched the empty
        warm and soft as her skin
and my confusion abated
and i knew nothing but this
and i was dreaming while lucid
        for her hair is the cosmos
we live in wind and in stars
we wash ashore as the tides
we are one with the fabric
        she is i am and we are

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Author notes

Love.

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think [Reward: double points]

    I plan to revise this poem, please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 44 of 44

  • ariazephyrzoe gold member
    September 22

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    she is i am and we are

    love this last line
    cause everything all boils down to it
    the wholeness of three personality.


    • JustBe gold member
      September 24
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      Thank you

      for saying so! That is also my favorite line in the poem, and it sounds like we understand it the same way.

  • second-born
    April 1
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    this is so amazing...love in its purest and highest form...thank you for sharing this piece!
  • more like war
    January 21

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    This is very beautiful. It seemed very sad to me, too, though. I cried, actually. I think it probably has more to do with my own situation rather than the poem. But still.

  • Loveprevails
    January 4
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    This is beautiful! Thank you for entering and good luck


  • sleepingINblackRain
    December 23, 2007
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    Sweet and beautiful

  • Nam
    October 23, 2007
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    I like the use of repetition in words. Most writers can't write in repetition of words without overdoing it, but, I don't feel that way about this one. It's a short poem, so, it's not overdone in such regard, and it keeps it simple.

    A nice poem that you have written here.


  • jantastic gold member
    September 30, 2007

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    you know this is simple and yet enhanced with some nice use of language and some mechanisms that add interest such as the repetitions at the beginnings of lines

    a softer voice than we usually hear from you


  • twisted butterfly
    September 8, 2007
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    I still love this. I think its one of my favourites of yours.

    Hope youre well.

    Lisa x

  • ixtli
    September 8, 2007
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    The first three lines are my favorite. It flows very well.
  • atty-poet
    June 20, 2007

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    Really love the structure of this write, especially these lines:
    her grace permeated these
    her glow raced up my spine
    her essence quenched the empty
    warm and soft as her skin

    although it took me a couple of seconds to grasp "warm and soft as her skin" modifies "essence", right?
    excellent pairing of the senses and nature, lyrical in an almost anaphoric (whitman-esque) way. well done.


  • FunnelWaxFate
    June 7, 2007

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    Incredible write! This is written with such vivid eloquence and soul! The intensity of emotion and feeling in this poem is so profound. I can leap right into the atmosphere and soul of this piece, and feel it with absolute tangibility. The form and delicate prose really add to the effect of the poem, making it somehow more real, or personal, perhaps. It breathes; it seems to come to life. A truly fascinating, gorgeous write with superb language and a poignancy of deep and profound love. Such a beautiful write!!!

  • theredcatjazzoflove gold member
    May 27, 2007
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    A Different Lil Twist Read....

    For me but i really grasp and ws heart touched by every word and love your style


    • JustBe gold member
      May 27, 2007
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      Thanks! Yes, this has always been a love it/"Huh?" write. It's very real for me, and I'm glad you found something in it you relate to. Thanks for reading.

  • Redstormy gold member
    May 3, 2007
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    delightful write I love the way you concluded

  • vampireblood
    May 3, 2007

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    This was a very meaningful poem. It was full of such imagery and beauty. I enjoyed reading it. I see you entered it into a contest, so best of luck to you, its an amazing poem.
    ~~~Vampy~~~

  • Roaddog Wolf gold member
    May 3, 2007
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    WORTH THE CONTEMPLATION

    i HAD TROUBLE GATHERING THE MEANING THE FIRST 8 LINES THEN i FOUND THE POEM TO BECOME MORE MEANINGFUL . REALLY LIKED THE CLOSING STANZA. Oops sorry for the caps! Had to reread it to gather the meaning of the first part but then again I am a bit slow at times. Alot of work you put into this I enjoyed it good write thanks

    . Rewarded 6


  • Uckerhead
    May 3, 2007

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    "she is i am and we are", I would add punctuation to this line: she is, i am and we are. had to read it twice to get it. but the flow is great the content as well. Enjoyed this read.


  • Pretty Little Thing
    May 3, 2007

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    excellent imagery

    Very well done. I loved the semirepetitive form you used, it really lent itself well to the accentuations rather than detracting from the content. Great job!

  • ImmaculateDesire
    May 3, 2007

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    This poem evokes many emotions. I was stirred by its descriptions. Very good job. I enjoyed reading this one. Good luck in the contest. You will place well. Let me know how it turns out. Take care and keep penning my friend.

    . Rewarded 4

  • ajalee
    May 3, 2007

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    I loved the last stanza:

    for her hair is the cosmos
    we live in wind and in stars
    we wash ashore as the tides
    we are one with the fabric
    she is i am and we are

    Very powerful, mystical even...well done!

  • twisted butterfly
    May 3, 2007
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    I think this deserves to be up in lights.

    ^^

    Lisa x

  • twisted butterfly
    April 23, 2007

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    The title evoked feelings of romance... must be that Elvis Costello song in Notting Hill that does that! (If youve not heard it you should)

    But once I started to read the feeling was quite cold and devoid of emotion. Almost clinical. At least for the first eight lines that is. Then we get an insight into the feelings that are deeper within. There is a sense of the person looking through rose coloured glasses.. seeing all the faults but allowing them to be papered over.

    By line 12 its no longer cold, its beautifully warm and its making me smile.

    By line 13 its building and keeps on building to the last line which is an absolute crescendo.

    A very skillful mix of emotions in this one Morgan. Im not sure I could manage to mix such a kalaidascope of emotions and make it work, as you have.

    I think this one will get better the more its read. It deserves to be pondered over.

    For what its worth.. I like it.

    Nice to see one of yours I hadnt read.

    Lisa x


    • JustBe gold member
      May 1, 2007
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      Thanks for reading and understanding this one. It's an oldie, and perhaps the most emotionally raw thing I've posted here. Some folks have taken this for my best shot at being mysteriously over-complicated, but this came out quick, and I've not really edited it; it just happened this way. I can close my eyes and see this poem.

      I love you to death for reading my stuff.

  • PerfectImperfection
    April 22, 2007

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    A very different, and well composed piece Morgan. Beauty captured in extraordinary rhythm of thought and purpose. Love, that which runs it's life through your veins and into your heart. Best wishes!


  • BeautifulSecret
    April 21, 2007

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    Wonderful

    "her glow raced up my spine" this one line seems to make so much sense. I feel as though I have experienced this myself with both sexes...not in a lesbian way but in a way that makes me think I know this person. I do like the whole piece but it was truly that one line that jumped out at me. Very nice piece and I wish you all the luck in winning the prize, although from what I have read of you, you do not write for prize but for pleasure
  • m o n k i e lover
    April 19, 2007
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    this is beautifully written
  • unexpected
    April 15, 2007

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    you have beautiful diction, perfect words... but i wonder if you could use line spacing, and punctuation to really have the reader read your piece the way you intended it to be read. Where shall I pause, etc.
    i see how you have intentionally not included punctuation, but i feel like maybe a period or two would strengthen and isolate some of your great lines.

    • JustBe gold member
      April 15, 2007
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      Thanks

      for the criticism. I have to beg for that these days. I'll admit most people don't seem to get this poem. For me punctuation is an all-or-nothing affair, but spacing is something else entirely. Do you see pauses at places other than ends of lines? The poem reads like it felt to me, so I have no insight into how others would read it. I do love suggestions, however.

  • cardiphonia
    April 10, 2007
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    thank you for entering!

    Um.. nice background but the text colour makes it hard to read at times. I respect that you have explored the use of many complex types of descriptions, but personally I feel that in doing so the poem has lost a sense of purity and honesty. However this is my personal opinion...great try!

    • JustBe gold member
      April 10, 2007
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      Thank you for reading my poem. Agree about the background. Do you have anything to say about the actual writing? I'll show up first in line if someone wants to offer up negative criticism; it's the most useful kind, and I'm basically impossible to offend that way. I want to learn how to write better. What I don't want is to be told what to write. I don't know what people mean when they talk about the honesty of poetry they did not write themselves. Seems silly to me, since no two people write the same way, and only one person knows how it felt to begin with.

      This is purely an exploration of feeling, and one of the simplest poems I've ever written. It contains no allusion, no double entendres, no rhyme, no big words, and no extended metaphor, and it is written exclusively from first-person perspective. It is also unique among all my works in that it was preceded by no forethought whatsoever, but has nonetheless been edited a total of zero times. My average is around 100 edits for poems I call "finished."

      I'll agree that this is not gritty prose, but I'm no beatnik anyway and this could not be more honest. I'd love to hear your thoughts on the writing itself.

      • cardiphonia
        April 10, 2007

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        hmmn okay

        Perhaps some of it got lost in translation. Different poems speak, and thank you for clarifying it's honesty. I know how it can be sometimes when someone gets that reaction, I wrote a very personal poem once and someone commented that the raw feeling didn't come through...even though, to me it came from the rawest emotion inside of me. However since you have asked, I will comment in more detail in the poem itself.
        'that which incarcerates the scent
        within tightly sealed falsehood'
        what does that mean exactly? It becomes a whole lot clearer now that you have explained that it is an exploration....however the first 8 lines they boggle me...the feeling coming through to me personally is very vague and confused. After that though, it gets meatier and your last few lines are wonderfully constructed. Perhaps this is the feeling you are trying to evoke, I'm not sure...and this is just my opinion. Perhaps it is only me that is confused! I'm a simple-minded gal, I think in some cases, you could have simplified a sentence so it had that little bit more oomph. Anyway rant over, sorry I can't be much more help.

        • JustBe gold member
          April 10, 2007
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          Thank you.

          The first 8 lines are basically a metaphorical list of the ways the senses can be dulled and confused. If scent is incarcerated within falsehood, then that sense gives no valid information; my sense of smell is a lie. I was pretty zoned-out until I fell in love ... would not let people in. It was sublimely confusing experience that ultimately left me feeling more whole and real. Swept me away: "I have a place in this universe afterall."

  • kathy1967
    March 19, 2007

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    SPECTACULAR!!

    This is a SPECTACULAR piece of writting! I love
    every single line in this! The picture is AWESOME!
    and the words just set it off. Thank You for a Brillant piece of writting!!


    • JustBe gold member
      March 19, 2007
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      I really appreciate your saying that. Thanks.
      ~Morgan

  • Hulali
    March 18, 2007

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    Have you read the cummings poem that ends, "For love are in you am in i are in we?" Judging my your use of i, I would guess yes. It is one of my favorites, and you evoked it in your last line. Definitely a more whimsical side to you that I've not seen before.

    I keep wanting to say "lucid while dreaming" instead of the other way around, also the line about hair being the cosmos seemed a little over the top and not entirely necessary.

    I love the way these words go together,
    "that which incarcerates the scent
    within tightly sealed falsehood."
    Incarcerates, scent, sealed; nice.

    For my part, I see something other than a woman. Womanly, maybe, but not one that could walk down the street or drink a beer or something.

    • JustBe gold member
      March 19, 2007
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      Wow, reading my comment just now ... that must have sounded really snarky. What I was trying to say was:

      Bummer, wish my poem had the same effect for everyone else that it has for me (since that's a reasonable expectation ). I think the 'hair' line is awkward, but not misplaced. Maybe I will write something new.

      You know what? I don't think the "hair" line is misplaced, but it is a little awkward. Perhaps I'll try and write something new. Perhaps.

      • Hulali
        March 19, 2007
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        No, not snarky at all. I definitely got the goddess vibe just as neurosine did. Perhaps it didn't translate well as I described it, but really, I don't picture Maya or Gaia or any of them walking down the street with a beer, lol.

    • JustBe gold member
      March 19, 2007
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      Definitely dreaming while lucid, and the hair line, for me at least, is necessary. Without it, "fabric" becomes a nebulous idea. Maybe this poem will have a whole different effect for women. Makes perfect sense, I guess. I read this and I feel safer, less alone in a more magical place. neurosine pretty much nailed it. Hm. I will try harder.

  • neurosine gold member
    March 18, 2007

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    Maya is the goddess which dances before man and holds him in hypnotic sway while his life passes by. There's almost a message: all that her and we. Or maybe not.
  • Zayra Yves gold member
    March 18, 2007
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    lovely

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