like if we know everything
we rule the world
like if we can't be harmed
we destroy the earth
as the waves
cover the ocean
the safe place
where humans
are lost
as the depth
confuse our consciousness
the ocean
a mystery
for our minds
like if we are in control
we ignore the facts
like if we are the conquerors
we believe we own the world
as the blue
fool our trust
it swallows
the weapons
we make
as if life
were made by
humans
a simple mistake
in reality
when the ocean
shows its powers
the reality
will break
we need to
surrender
Author notes
wrote it as an entery when it was about "ocean". But it show my point of view on our (the humans... guess I'm one of them...) society
A contest entry
- Open Tonight by .
300 points, ended March 18, 2007, 7 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Give Me Your Best...Quickie :) by Heavenly Angel.
475 points, ended November 12, 2007, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Silver Prewrites by Aussie Gypsy.
550 points, ended September 18, 32 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 19 of 19
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I really enjoyed this read - though I was a little confused in some parts. I thought the ending was strong, particularly the last stanza. For some reason I've always liked the word 'surrender', and I really like that it sits there on it's own. The formatting of this piece was also interesting; swelling from hurried longer lines to drawn out shorter ones... almost rolling like the waves of the ocean. I thought that was clever. Thanks for sharing!
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Puzzling
There are many non-sequiturs and it's difficult to see them all as metaphors. I'd be interested in seeing how some commenters interpret them. Obscurity doesn't make for significance, and I feel some commenters mistake portentousness for meaning.
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Amazing! This is so well written! I really love the connections to society and the ocean, very original and beautiful work. So true. Everyone needs to read this!
Keep writing
x -
I always admire the courage of those who choose to ignore the rules of grammar and punctuation totally and utterly - such is your choice and prerogative. Yes indeed.
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This is so well written, it is interesting to look at life from different angles sometimes. best to you in the contest
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I love your portrayal as the ocean being sentient and patiently waiting. The whole thing was so vivid, and I loved where you ended the lines. It was abrupt, but not jarringly so.
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'as the blue
fool our trust
it swallows
the weapons
we make'
beautifully phrased. You have opened this piece up nicely and from the prompt ~wow~ what inspiration you have drawn. Nicely penned, indeed.
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Transcend All
I felt a bon fire slam of ideas and vision. Sitting in her presence with our intimate world of friends and family, pondering the ideas and beliefs of man to date, pondering change. I like where it took me, the path I was meant to feel at that moment. Groovy write, thank you for the experience.
Namaste'
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Intriguing. Very philosphical though which gives it a plus. Stanza seven however seems a little awkward. Fix it up and it will be great
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This says so much about the human condition and the fragility of society. I loved it - thanks for enlightening me with your words. Will have to check out more of your work x
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Well done! A truly fine piece! Thank you so much for sharing this! I wish you the very best in this contest!
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I could not have said that any better. You were on point about everything. Especially about ignoring the facts. I love how the last line is spaced away from the poem itself. Like a realization of sorts. Great job on this poem.
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conserving the planet earth is the greatest gift we can ultimately ever give ourselves! i am with you every step of the way with this powerful and provocatived poetry you have so well expressed and penned!
for me, this is a very enjoyable write that has spoken on so many different and compelling levels that it completely leaves me humble!!
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People think they know everything and find they know nothing of the world. Congratulatrions ion ytour siover trophy. It is well deserved.
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Just Lovely!
I like the imagery you use and your style variance flows beautifully...well done! -
great write more of a comparison than a duality... a juxtaposition even... well good luck in the contest and good luck in all of your future writes
when the ocean
shows its powers
the reality
will break
we need to
surrender
great way to end this writ -
This is a nice piece I like two parts in particular which I think kinda stand out from the piece itself... I like "Like if we can't be harmed, we destroy the earth" I don't know just very true... sometimes we strongly believe that we humans are the best and in reality we do so many bad things that destroy ourselves... and I also liked "Like if we are the conquerors we believe we own the world" Yep most of us are conquerors of nature, thoughts, and our bodies... nice work... oh and I see a silver trophy winner... Indeed a good work... congratz
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This one is very deep, I love it. It has actually left me a bit speechless, so my apologies for a lesser elaboration. =)
Congrats, though, on your second place trophy. You deserved it greatly.
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were humans >> where humans
maybe thats what you mean
I love your easy voice in your poetry another terrific job
~Ryan~
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