Jesus doesn’t want you for a sun-beam
breathe— it is an acceptable day
to bomb your enemy. Oh,
the kindness of strangers when
the sky is blue, tearless and
shedding flakes of metal like
armour is no longer necessary.
They found her
a stone across her chest. She could
drown
all by herself; eyes plastered
and lips gob-jobbed to the bank
and the river refused to run
when it saw her dying-
.
.
.
A contest entry
- Image- 20 by Cat.
625 points, ended March 26, 2007, 7 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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Hmm, Ok, I hope that wasn't disturbing or detestable: I apologize if it was.
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Thankyou- although I admit reading this back now I haven't got the foggiest what it was about! I guess sometimes when you're absorbed in things they make perfect sense.. I'm obviously in a better place now lol. x
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The same thing happens to me lol. Though I suppose half of poetry is the readers interpretation, I am glad you are in a better place.=)
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You astound me: your poetry is ineffable, if only because of constant change and flow. I admit a bit of jealousy, but reading it is just as satisfying.
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i think this piece is pretty darn amazing- i like that you found this image from the image presented- i can see the death of this girl too-
an excellent moment in your poem is "They found her
a stone across her chest. She could
drown
all by herself; eyes plastered
and lips gob-jobbed to the bank"
this makes me wish i had written it- I would eliminate the final two lines- they are conclusionary and the reader doesn't need to be hit over the head that way- we get it without the poet saying- "in case you don't get it this is what it means" - i hope that makes sense..
i really like this piece a lot.
m
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Yes, you're right. The last two lines didn't quite fit - I often have ending lines that are unnecessary.
Thankyou very much for your comment.. xxx
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This is a grand piece of writing Jess... but i would have preferred to have seen something more sensual and erotic... it's amazed me how people have taken the image and used it.. as it has brought about some interesting writes...
I don't see her as death-like or even sad... or suicidal.... as the clingfilm denotes more BDSM rather than deep depression
doesn't deter from the fact you wrote a good piece and many thanks for entering our contest and good luck too
G.x -
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er, ok.. sorry.
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Brilliant as ever
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believe it or not ... my greatest fear is drowning ... and i have always suffered from sleep apnea (sp?) and i always know when i quit breathing when i'm sleeping because it is always when someone close to me is holding me underwater ... this is a piece taken right from dreams i have ... brilliant luv ...
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"and the river refused to run
when it saw her dying-
is that the point
when you give up the fight?"
you're amazin i love this. it was sad and gorgeous. and yes it is the point when you give up... about now i think.
i love you x
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just have my applause for now
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Okay. Fuck allpoetry and messing up losing my comments. It makes me want to scream and then I don't want to write a lot
"shedding flakes of metal like
armour is no longer necessary"
--I love this. If I had a great mind, I would be able to tell you how this is perfect and how you're a great writer.
Like the use of the old song/Vaselines/Nirvana whichever as the beginning (except the small changes). Neat.
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Your talent is God given...I get goosebumps when I see a young mind full of such brilliance. I can only hope that you will take this and run with it, sweet little Poet. You were born to write.
Love, Lane
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Aw, thankyou for such a lovely comment. Means a lot coming from such an amazing writer-
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