I dreamt your illusion
{In voyeuristic colours.}
Bedded down the rust
of wizen memories
{sun dried.}
Laid harvest moon
upon devils night;
drank vacuous images
it produced.
In the saw-teeth bracelet,
I read another epitaph
{and learned your name.}
A bible, sewn to your heart,
Kerouac’s roman candle
burned bright,
{not a tiger in sight.}
Yet you always purred,
so loud.
I watched as you
overflowed,
drenching the thirst
of arid admirers.
{Laughing at drunken egos.}
That frown you dropped,
landed upside down.
I watched as you picked
up a smile,
then wonder who the madman was.
{It was always you.}
Macadam was missing
(in)sanity that you threw
at empty spaces,
while trying to hide,
{in between raindrops.}
At least in tomorrow’s birth
we can douse explanations.
Author notes
You tell me what you think this is about
A contest entry
- ~It Doesn't Get Any Easier Than This~ by -Ink Artist-.
525 points, ended April 13, 2007, 56 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Power, Placement, Perspective by JM Kenyon.
900 points, ended May 11, 2007, 34 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Abstract. Be different. by Trent plus pen.
650 points, ended July 3, 2007, 38 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - I AM NOT SIMON by Swan song.
800 points, ended September 8, 2007, 26 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Your Favourite Poem (for prewrites only) by Seeking Peace.
450 points, ended September 8, 2007, 61 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Turn that Silver into Gold by whispernthedark.
400 points, ended February 2, 2008, 30 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 28 of 28
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I wouldn’t change a think here, this is superb. The tone was very eerie and seductive at the same time. I thought the structure was wonderful as well. GREAT JOB!
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the lay out of this poem fits the poem
the words themself flow for the most part
the lines that are off to the side with the ()
have there own part in the poem
but might throw most off balance
Riftkin -
I love the way in which this is written... yet I still don't know what this is about.... great write anyway
Thank you for taking the time to enter your favourite prewrite in this contest, I wish you the very best of luck
Karen -
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I am enjoying tis contest because of lovely poems like this. They are not easy to criticize. I would say this poem is a bit rough in flow. If I were an editor I might want you to scoot lines 2,5,12,16,23,29,34
and take off these things () Other than that and that is being really picky this is a very good poem and you should be proud I sure liked it!
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awesome
I love the layout of thie poem, and thats pretty big from me haha. I usually hate poems with writting all over the page in brackets and stuff.
But the way you do it is really clever and intriguing. Its one of those poems where you wanna drink in the words and read it all the way through.
Great write, one of my finalists!
trento. -
I like a lot about this, phrasings, wording, but I don't like that it doesn't really connect with the reader. It seems to be mostly a train of thought meant only for the one who thinks it. Perhaps you could be a little clearer - that way your images would also seem less like scraps taken from a photo album of a random person you don't know - if you know what I mean. Nevertheless, I think this is quite good. Thank you for entering.
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Hi,
Thank you for your comment but I really don't see how I can change this, the poem is meant to be abstract and is basically an observation of ones alter ego.
I'm sorry if it doesn't meet the criteria for you contest.
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intriguing
Personally, I would not dare to give my own interpretation on such a write. It can morph itself to fit each reader's imagination. I will say it has massive depths, persuasive wording, and constant flow of interesting perspective. Thank-you for sharing it! Blue -
Thank you for subjecting yourself to my review. I have trouble reading abstract poetry. I think my mind is wired differently than many people. But I will try to be objective, because I don't undertstand it. I can see talent in your writing. This is evident by the different imagery that you have painted within this poem. I did especially like the frown stanza.
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I've found abstract poems in this contest already. However, I am sure, as with most aspects of poetry, that different people have different ideas about what is a good abstract poem
My opinion is that THIS Is a good abstract poem, because I don't need to know you, don't need to have studied your work of life or personality to get something from reading the write. I personally find it very disappointing to read poems only to realize I am a total outsider and that the metaphors are based on things I don't and can not know...
Love this write!
s and best wishes ~Genie~
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Ooh, Grendyl I was hoping you would enter. I'll give a full comment when I judge. =D
Good luck
-Shirley -
I pesonal think theirs a deeper messege within its core meaning , maybe one day I will discover it. thanks for entering
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Hmmm...I recognize this piece You know that I loved it the first time I read it and I love it still. Your style is easy to spot even if I hadn't already viewed this piece. Excellent work!
~Lori -
The "frown" verse, didn't like. Seemed too cliché. The rest, however, I did like.
-Nam -
Alright, where to start...I'm floored! This is not only intriguing, but such an abstract look within, that I'm not sure what to say! Man, you're blowing me away with the growth and expansion of your talent, my friend! I feel the brackets work phenomenally well within this piece, like a retrospection of each line they follow, not as description, only reflection of thought. This piece is undeniably strong. I loved it!
~Lori
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Thank you my friend, it's good to know that people who I have known for some time can see that I am trying to progress as a poet.
You neve know I may one day reach your heights.
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You
The legend in your own mind could only be you. -
some dimensions here
the brackets act as a running commentary or punch line to the stanzas and quite effective..I read it twice to catch some of the inuendo on Kerouac and the tiger burning bright... this is very well done, creative, and let's the reader make some choices too...excellent...PK
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Intriguing! My first impression was that you were speaking of someone you watched from afar, who knew not you were watching . . . then I cheated and read your response to someone else's comment. Your poem has very dreamy flow to it, and my only complaint was that I had to go back and re-read certain lines to make sure I understood them.
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Excellent writing. There is definite power here, and great flow, and good (free)form. I have no idea what it's about, but then I seem to be bad at figuring out these things, even in my own poetry. Great job.
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a very powerful poem, wonderfully crafted.
your use of brakes is excellent, it adds character to the poem, and emphasises certain parts
im not entirely sure what this is about, i have my ideas but i dont want to seem stupid by saying what they are. it is an excellent poem, one of my favourites i have read today, and i would love to be enlightened to the true meaning behind it
i wish you best of luck in the contest, and in further writing
lucy
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Ok I'll say what I meant it to be about, just two words ... Alter Ego.
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after further review, that was pretty quick eh?, ive decided to put this one in the top 10, but im not sure how long itll stay there. good luck. and great writing.
DS -
wow! i really enjoyed this piece. i just dont know if its going to fit into the top 10. im goingto come back and take another look at it. this was really powerful, and i dont want to cheat it out of a spot in the top 10 if it merits one.
DS -
Really quite an amazing assortment of words you have chosen to write this poem with - interesting way to show another side to this write in {}.
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AMAZING!
I am actually speechless...(and that isn't easy to accomplish)...
This is one of those poems that pulls you in and has your eyes glued to the very last word, then leaves you yearning for more.....
I could have kept reading because I didn't want it to end...I could not choose favorite lines because I loved every line....every word, but then, as you know, I am a huge fan of Grendyl..
Bravo!
Lynda
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I see reincarnation or the rebirth of a soul being noted by another. This can be expounded in so many ways with the different beliefs. In your {...} some of the gerunds could be excised. I like the flow that moves like the tides in this piece.
~*Starr*~ XXX
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