What do you do if thoughts don't rise
To the surface of your mind, but float
Somewhere near the corner, barely visible.
When something inside is longing to escape
But a barrier rises like a black wave
That drowns all the meandering dreams.
You are shaking with the sheer effort
It takes to shatter the glass walls
That cage your transient sentiments.
Yet they seem to leave you vulnerable
To be seen by passers by or bystanders
Not so innocent, perhaps even voyeuristic.
Do you succumb and let yourself go
Without trying to gather your senses
So that you can see clearly, speak freely?
Or do you muster the raging rebellion inside
And strike with great force and anger?
Let the broken shards of the past lie around-
Just pick up the pieces of your self.
A contest entry
- Your BEST Prewrite! - For Mike [degarmo] - by Never Fall in Love.
950 points, ended October 29, 2007, 130 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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"Cuz there´s a hunger, a longing to escape, from the life I live, when I´m awake"
This poem reminded me of that quote...
I liked your word use in this poem and perhaps what you were saying always fits in with the types of writes that I like the most. But what I feel here is that you did a lot more telling than showing. It´s probably meant to be that way because of the point of view that you´ve used..
In my opinion, the last two lines were the best. Great ending.
Thank you for entering and Good Luck
NeveR ♥ -
Wow I really like this peice!
"Let the broken shards of the past lie around-
Just pick up the pieces of your self."
This is awsome. There is alot of depth here. Some times its hard to pick up the peices but we all must pull it together even if "float
Somewhere near the corner, barely visible."
Again awsome! Keep up the great writing!
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Beautiful
wow this is truly amazing
its got so much meaning
and feeling behind all these words
a story to be told thats between the lines
theres pain and realization in this poem
and it's refreshing yet sad
humm it's very interesting and thought provoking
good job this poem really makes you think
I really love it how you use the metaphor or water and walls inside your head in this poem
well GREAT job and I hope you enter this in as many contests as you can
~*Emmy*~
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And strike with great force and anger?
Let the broken shards of the past lie around-
Just pick up the pieces of your self.
Humm this is a wonderful roaming around the soul of yours..you are an amzing poet revealing the abstract through the solid immages and that is the strength of this write ..I love the way you have described the lose finding it in the journey of the poetic words here..This is a great write you did a wonderful job..welldone.
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nice choice of vocab, it really changes it up.
i love the feeling, its wonderful!
Pheonix:: -
This is amazing. Don't change it. I love it all. It is soo good. I love the very last line. Just pick up the pieces of yourself. that is so powerful. Excellent use of words. Outstanding job
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AWESOME
it's so powerful!!! I love it ALL!!! don't change one bit!!! line 12 is awesome. -
And strike with great force and anger?
Let the broken shards of the past lie around-
Just pick up the pieces of your self.
Well this is a picture of the modern fact of life where we all are false living objects in the world of lies and broken in pieces as well..this is a heartfelt write revealing the truth of life here..this is something very deep and touching the surface of the definate defination of pian but in any case very solid impact with ...well done
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Promise...sing
Variation on a theme hovering on the border between prose and poetry this could benefit from reformulation in some areas such as replacing you with one ?
In the sentence
"Yet they seem to leave you vulnerable"
should this mean to say :
Yet (or perhaps However) sharing them (seems to) leaves you (or perhaps one) vulnerable ... ?
for Or do you muster
Or may one muster ?
Hoping this comment is construed as constructive criticism ...
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You have expressed such truthful and raw emotion in this piece and asked amazing questions. i really enjoyed reading this. nice work
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Break Free (at the end)
rise float
visible escape
wave meandering
dreams effort
walls sentiments
vulnerable bystanders
voyeuristic go
senses freely
inside anger
around self.
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I really like this, it makes me think about writers block or when you are trying to think of something but you can't quiet seem to get it. Great piece! Bravo!
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Wow, what an interesting poem "Just pick up the pieces of yourself" That line is amazing and really ties the poem together I love it.
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A complex poem
This is a poignant, evocative poem that perhaps speaks of a hidden frustration that deeply troubles the narrator. The violence explicit in the image of "broken shards of the past..." implies a profound anger and your perception of people as "voyeuristic" is, I think, very interesting and significant. Has your trust been fragmented ? I like your poetry. camus
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to me this poem so well express the feeling of shyness...very cool
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