I place a wreath of love around you
around your heart to wrap it one with mine
one with mine for all of time eternal
for time eternal is not time enough
not time enough to show you the depth
the depth and the breath of a love like ours
that surely was written time ago among the stars
among the stars we both have lain
lain wondering what would have, could have done
could have done to bring a love so right
so as I lay down to sleep in darkest night
in darkest night I place a wreath of love around you.
A contest entry
- Write a Wreath by ea.
360 points, ended March 20, 2007, 10 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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Hi Glenda,
not sure if you are around much these days but have a look at my new column on the "wreath" when you get a chance and maybe you will be inspired to write one again for the upcoming holidays: http://allpoetry.com/column/2346469
All the best,
ea -
Just tweak it a little...
In line #5 you have a small typo. Other than this i would say to read it aloud and listen to how the words fall from your lips as you read, this will help improve your flow. Very beautiful concept, fix the typo and tweak it a little and you will do fine. it has much potential.
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There seem to be some typos that are interrupting the flow here like in line 5. "the" line 9. "what would could have done
" perhaps, what _we_ would _have_, could have done? Feel free to revise this. It has a good premise and is a lovely theme. For instance, I would suggest the second like could be "around your heart to wrap it one with mine." Thanks for entering and all the best.
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